2 Jokes

Racing News..

Shock today at the 3.30 at Lingfield.Clocker's Dream was romping home,3 lengths clear of the field when what was believed to be a champagne bottle came from the crowd,hitting the horse squarely on the nose.This was swiftly followed by a knife and fork,pork pie and ham sandwich.Distracted and confused,the horse slowed and eventually came in second.

Afterwards the jockey complained to the stewards,saying he'd been hampered.
 
A man strides confidently into a bar to meet up with his two mates.

Man: Ah, last night was the best night of my life!

Mate 1: What happened?

Man: Well, yesterday i was driving along minding my own business, when i pass over a bridge. Well, i look down onto the rail tracks and see a beautiful woman tied to the tracks. So i go down there, and manage to untie her just before a train comes along. We chatted a bit and got along famously. So, we come back to my place and end up having sex all night! it was brilliant!

Mate 2: What was her name?

Man: Oh, I don't know, couldn't find the head.
 
ExRayTed said:
Racing News..

Shock today at the 3.30 at Lingfield.Clocker's Dream was romping home,3 lengths clear of the field when what was believed to be a champagne bottle came from the crowd,hitting the horse squarely on the nose.This was swiftly followed by a knife and fork,pork pie and ham sandwich.Distracted and confused,the horse slowed and eventually came in second.

Afterwards the jockey complained to the stewards,saying he'd been hampered.
Click to expand...
Give that man a cigar :D
 
homerio said:
"It's OK now," argues Justin, "I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed. I've seen Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian!"
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Could tell it was a religious joke from the beginning, still quality though :p
 
A woman had been cheating on her husband for a long time with a black man. She charms the black man into bed with chocolate biscuits and every time she asks him to do something, he says "only for a chocolate biscuit", and then receives a chocolate biscuit.

One day whilst her husband is at work, she invites the black man over. Little did she know her husband had forgot something for work and came back home to get it. She heard his car pull up and and told the black man to quickly hide in the wardrobe, he says "only for a chocolate biscuit" so she gives him a biscuit and of he goes and hides in the wardrobe. The husband comes into the room and sees a used condom on the floor. Furious, he shouts "where the hell has that come from! That's not mine!?". He questions her why it's there and she can't think of an excuse and admits that she had been cheating on him.

Her husband didn't take lightly to this and wanted to punish her, "I'm going to pluck every one of your pubic hairs out, one by one" he says "you need to be taught a lesson". After a long time of plucking he gets to the last one and just can't seem to get it out. He tries once again but fails and then shouts, "Come out you black bugger", only to hear "Only for a chocolate biscuit", come from his wardrobe".
 
Justin said:
A woman had been cheating on her husband for a long time with a black man. She charms the black man into bed with chocolate biscuits and every time she asks him to do something, he says "only for a chocolate biscuit", and then receives a chocolate biscuit.

One day whilst her husband is at work, she invites the black man over. Little did she know her husband had forgot something for work and came back home to get it. She heard his car pull up and and told the black man to quickly hide in the wardrobe, he says "only for a chocolate biscuit" so she gives him a biscuit and of he goes and hides in the wardrobe. The husband comes into the room and sees a used condom on the floor. Furious, he shouts "where the hell has that come from! That's not mine!?". He questions her why it's there and she can't think of an excuse and admits that she had been cheating on him.

Her husband didn't take lightly to this and wanted to punish her, "I'm going to pluck every one of your pubic hairs out, one by one" he says "you need to be taught a lesson". After a long time of plucking he gets to the last one and just can't seem to get it out. He tries once again but fails and then shouts, "Come out you black bugger", only to hear "Only for a chocolate biscuit", come from his wardrobe".
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LOL heard it before. A less 'family friendly' version however :p
 
$loth said:
I don't get the chocolate biscuit one :(
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Lol.

Ok, ok. Here we go:

The guy (who's being cheated on) says "Come on out you black bugger"
The guy in the wardrobe is black and obviously thought the guy was talking to him. So the black guy in the wardrobe replies "only for a choclate biscuit" because he only does things for biscuits.
 
A young girl goes round to see her recently widowed grandmother
After a while they begin to talk about her grandfathers death
"How did he die?" she asks
"He died when we were having sex" replies the grandmother
"What!? Surely you must have known it was dangerous at your age"
"Well we did" says the grandmother "but the doctor told us it would be ok if we could find a good rythm to move to. So we decided to go by the sound of the town hall bells, in with the ding and out with the dong, nice and slow"
The girl is confused "Ok so you were having sex, slowly, that dosnt explain how he died"
"Well he'd still be alive it wasnt for that damn ice cream van!" shouted the gran

----

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

----

How did the pimp put out the fire?
with his hoes
 
An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman were driving through the desert when they're jeep broke down. After many attempts to get it going, they give up and decide to carry on by foot. They each decide to take one item from the jeep that'll be useful. The englishman takes the water, the scotsman takes the food and the irishman takes the jeep door. Puzzled by this the other two ask him why....."Its so when i get too hot, i can wind the window down"


And another

Englishman and irishman are walking through the forest, when the irishman falls down a hole. The englishman shouts down "is it dark down there", and the irishman replies with "i dont know, i cant see"

:D
 
theDave said:
A young girl goes round to see her recently widowed grandmother
After a while they begin to talk about her grandfathers death
"How did he die?" she asks
"He died when we were having sex" replies the grandmother
"What!? Surely you must have known it was dangerous at your age"
"Well we did" says the grandmother "but the doctor told us it would be ok if we could find a good rythm to move to. So we decided to go by the sound of the town hall bells, in with the ding and out with the dong, nice and slow"
The girl is confused "Ok so you were having sex, slowly, that dosnt explain how he died"
"Well he'd still be alive it wasnt for that damn ice cream van!" shouted the gran

----

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse

----

How did the pimp put out the fire?
with his hoes
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HAHAHA :p winn0r
 
Bri said:
Funniest post in this thread by a country mile :D
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Talking of miles.......

there was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette stuck on an island 20 miles from the mainland. the brunette decided she would try to swim for it. she made it 5 miles before getting tired, and drowned at 7 miles. the redhead, being more athletic than the brunette, decides to try her luck. 5 miles, fine...7 miles, starts to tire...drowns 10 miles from the island shore. the blonde now attemps to swim the 20 miles. 5 miles, great...7, fine, 10 alright, she gets to 19 miles from the island, and starts to fatigue...so she swims back to the island

--------------------------------------------------

A blonde who had been unemployed for
several months got a job with Public
Works. She was to paint lines down the
center of a rural road. The supervisor
told her that she was on probation and
that she must stay at or above the set
average of 2 miles per day to remain
employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and
starts right away. The supervisor checking
up at the end of the day, found that the
blonde had completed 4 miles on her first
day, double the average! "Great," he told
her, "I think you're really going to work
out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed
to find that the blonde only accomplished
2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well
she's still at the average and I don't
want to discourage her, so I'll just keep
quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one
mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk
to her before this gets any worse." The
boss pulled the new employee in and says,
"You were doing so great. The first day
you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles,
but yesterday you only did one mile. Why?
Is there a problem? An injury, equipment
failure? What's keeping you from meeting
the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep
getting farther and farther away
from the bucket."
 
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