2 Jokes

number41 said:
A blonde who had been unemployed for
several months got a job with Public
Works. She was to paint lines down the
center of a rural road. The supervisor
told her that she was on probation and
that she must stay at or above the set
average of 2 miles per day to remain
employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and
starts right away. The supervisor checking
up at the end of the day, found that the
blonde had completed 4 miles on her first
day, double the average! "Great," he told
her, "I think you're really going to work
out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed
to find that the blonde only accomplished
2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well
she's still at the average and I don't
want to discourage her, so I'll just keep
quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one
mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk
to her before this gets any worse." The
boss pulled the new employee in and says,
"You were doing so great. The first day
you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles,
but yesterday you only did one mile. Why?
Is there a problem? An injury, equipment
failure? What's keeping you from meeting
the 2 mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep
getting farther and farther away
from the bucket."
Click to expand...

A good unpredictable blond joke! :)


Six6siX said:
LOL she thinks she's going on holiday but he's actually telling her to get lost! :D
Click to expand...

Just had to explain/lie to my boss why I've been laughing so much!
 
I like scuzis Paisley joke lol made me laugh along with the potato joke!!

This thread wins.


The Irish prize for ingenuity goes to Paddy Mc Fearlon for his glass hammer.
 
MarcLister said:
No R Kelly was accused sleeping with an underage girl.

And cracking thread. Best jokes thread on here ever surely!:D
Click to expand...


not accused. DID!

BUT O/T this thread RULES, finally decent jokes
 
super man, spider man and an intelligent blonde are in a lift when a £5 note falls to the floor, who picks it up first?







none of them, they don't exist :rolleyes:

genuinely shocked at the people who don't get the jokes in this thread, seriously, get a sense of humor transplant, i hear they come on the NHS now (but if you want your baby delivered fat chance).

and i'm not joking :/
 
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Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says
"Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint Please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says 'A premature ejaculation'
'What?' says the woman
The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

A seal walks into a club...
 
A young woman goes to the machine at work to get coffee the same time every day

Every day the man behind her says to her "your hair smells lovely"

Every day the same man, same thing happens, "your hair smells lovely"

After a few months of this the young woman decides she's had enough and takes this up with her employer.

her boss looks at her in disbelief as she claims sexual harassment.

"how can a man telling you your hair smells lovely be sexual harassment?, who exactly is this man" her boss says.

"keith the midget" replies the young woman
 
Scuzi said:
Ian Paisley goes into a coma. After twenty years he regains consciousness. The first person he sets eyes on is Unionist Peter Robinson.
Paisley, desperate to find out how the situation in the north turned out grabs hold of Robinson and says "Peter, what have I missed over the last 20 years? Did we win, did we lose? You've gotta tell me"
Robinson replies "Well Ian, I've got some good news and some bad news. Do you want the good or the bad first?"
Paisley thinks about it for a minute and say "Gimme the bad news first"
Robinson: "Well the bad news is that Gerry Adams is the new president of the United Ireland"
Paisley is shocked but enquires further "So what's the good news then?"
Robinson: "Rangers are beating Celtic in the cup final" Paisley is delighted by this and asks "What score is it?"
Robinson: "3-14 to 1-11"
Click to expand...

Just a little too parochial for us I feel.
 
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.
It was a shitzu.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

bdm tchh :D
 
Got to be one of the best joke threads I have seen EVER in here ;o)

My Humble Addition

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a **** if you live to be
80?"
 
thecremeegg2 said:
An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman were driving through the desert when they're jeep broke down. After many attempts to get it going, they give up and decide to carry on by foot. They each decide to take one item from the jeep that'll be useful. The englishman takes the water, the scotsman takes the food and the irishman takes the jeep door. Puzzled by this the other two ask him why....."Its so when i get too hot, i can wind the window down"
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Old as time itself :D
 
English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 
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