2 Jokes

[miracleboy]

LOL she thinks she's going on holiday but he's actually telling her to get lost!

OMG I am sitting here at work with tears streaming down my face, and getting some very strange looks. That has to be the funniest thing I heard in a long time!

Got a mental picture of Stewie from Family Guy saying it.

 

[RumbleBee]

LOL she thinks she's going on holiday but he's actually telling her to get lost!

haha thats the best ever and yes Stu from Family Guy would surely sell this joke to perfection

 

[-Laser-]

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says 'A premature ejaculation'
'What?' says the woman
The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

That reminds me of a really good one, but it needs a sweary in it or it won't work

 

[Supercow]

some old ones for ya

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his pe*is into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

 

[Supercow]

An oldie yes, but one of my fav's

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he had sex


"Whats sex ?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. Here" she said, "you can put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a
horrific kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan not stupid, Tarzan learn, first check for bees."

 

[G|mp]

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog.
It was a shitzu.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

bdm tchh

Best 3 jokes in here in one post

Ok.........

This big piece of black tarmac walks into a pub and orders a pint

He notices a red piece of tarmac at the other end of the bar so he says to the barman

"Whats his ****ing problem, does he want a smack in the mouth"

Barman says "i wouldnt mess with him mate hes a cycle path"

 

[MTA99]

Snip....

Wouldn't expect anything less from you!!

 

[dustiestrat]

This guy walks into a bar in wales and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says:You ain't from around here, are ya where ya from, boy?

The guy says,I'm from Iowa

The bartender asks,What the hell you do in Iowa
?

The guy responds, I'm a taxidermist.

The bartender asks,A taxidermist now just what the hell is a taxidermist?

The guy saysI mount animals

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar,It's ok boys, hes one of us

 

[Majago]

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman are all drinking in a bar when an octopus walks in and says, "I can play any instrument you like".

The Englishman hands him a guitar, which he plays better than Hendrix, stunning the audience.

The Irishman says, "There's a piano over in the corner there, go play that".

So the octopus walks over, sits down and starts playing better than Jools Holland and Elton John combined, amazing everyone further.

The Scotsman chucks him a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs them and immediately starts fumbling about. After a few minutes the Scotsman says, "What's a matter? Can ye not play it?"

The octopus looks up and says, "PLAY IT? I'm gonna **** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"