A Joke

My wife said to me last night you never take me any where expensive.
So i said jump in the car pet i am going to the garage to get some petrol.
 
The Baby

A gorgeous girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party all alone. Since she was very good looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.

Her mother said, "It is very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him 'What will be the name of our baby?' and that will scare them off."

So off she went to the party, and was having a great time.

After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

The boy found some excuse and disappeared.

Some time later the same thing happened again, a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked him about the baby's name, he ran off.

Later on another boy invited her for a walk, after a few minutes he started kissing her and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"

He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.

He began to have sex with her.

"What will our baby be called?" she asked again.

After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, tied it in a knot and said,

"If he gets out of this one....... Paul Daniels!"
 
simulatorman said:
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Click to expand...

Ok that really confused me at first.

You have two lines the wrong way round^

good joke though :D
 
I got confused at first too...this makes more sense!

simulatorman said:
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped, "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Click to expand...
 
not for the easily offended (or PC idiots in general):

Q: How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?






...

A: Nachos.
 
A hopeful person goes to the Antiques Roadshow with a big crate on a trolley...

H.P.: This has been in my loft for more than forty years. Is it worth anything?

The Antiques Roadshow expert opens the crate and examines the contents...

A.R.E. Interesting...very interesting. Do you have it insured?

H.P., now very hopeful: No...is it worth a lot?

A.R.E. Not really...it's your hot water tank.
 
I don't remember where I heard/read this one, so it might be a repost here.

A recently published sex guide had mutual oral sex labelled as '79'.

Several people emailed the publisher to point out the obvious typo. They received an email in reply explaining that it was not a typo. 69 has now become 79, because the cost of eating out has recently increased.
 
Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".

Michael replies "Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes."
 
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also do a gram of Charlie a day, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'

"Twenty six"
 
A cat was walking next to a river when it saw a six inch sausage floating down the river.

The cat then tried to grab the sausage but couldn't reach.

Next the cat saw an 8 inch sausage floting down the river, he tried yet again, but alas he could not reach.

A little bit further along the river the cat saw a 10 inch sausage, this time the cat reached a little bit further, getting his whole arm wet, just touching the sausage, but still could not get a grasp of it.

Suddenly the cat sawa 12 inch sausage floating down the river, the cat though to himself 'screw this' and jumped into the river and got the sausage.

Moral of the story; the bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy.
 
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