Am I being naive or stupid?

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:07

Ok to cut a long long story short, I have an ex girlfriend and we are trying to sort it out, one of her flaws was major major jealousy and insecurity.

Over the last couple of weeks I have started to make friends with a girl behind the bar at my local, now to me this is purely a friendship based relationship and no sexual intentions at all.

So on Monday I took her christmas shopping then we went for a beer, her bf doesnt now about this which made me uncomfortable. I told her if it was a problem in their relationship with her bf then I would back off and leave them alone, I did not want to cause any problems between them. She said we are friends and he will have to deal with it.

She was working last night so me and friend went up to see her and for a chat after work, her boyfriend wanted her to go home (not to his) straight after work but she said no I am seeing Cy. This must have angered her bf as he was there when I turned up, I was introduced and said hi and shook his hand. He then left the pub I said goodbye and apparently he is not happy.

Now is it only me or is this whole situation silly, why are people so threatened by the oposite sex they are missing out on the benifts of having friends of both sexes, this just angers me as no one would bat an eyelid if it was a man but instead I am being made out by most people to be satan spawn.

iCraig · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:11

It all boils down to trust. Not blind trust, but normal trust.

As long as it's obvious that you and her are only friends, then the it's the boyfriends problem for not adequately trusting his girlfriend.

However, it's impossible to say without knowing the girl, but it could be possible that she might be interested in you? Maybe she's hurt her boyfriend in the past by getting too close to male 'friends' and he's rightly suspicious?

Either way you're not doing anything wrong. Most likely just a possessive boyfriend.

kitten_caboodle · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:12

it's just human nature unfortunately. She's putting you in a very awkward position tbh and it's up to her to sort it out. If her bf doesn't like what she does then she either puts up with it, or stops doing it. It sounds like she might be using him to get to you - or she likes you and wants him to back off - eitherway she should be talking to her bf and not making it look like you're the ass in all this.

Neoni · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:12

cymatty said:
Ok to cut a long long story short, I have an ex girlfriend and we are trying to sort it out, one of her flaws was major major jealousy and insecurity.

Over the last couple of weeks I have started to make friends with a girl behind the bar at my local, now to me this is purely a friendship based relationship and no sexual intentions at all.

So on Monday I took her christmas shopping then we went for a beer, her bf doesnt now about this which made me uncomfortable. I told her if it was a problem in their relationship with her bf then I would back off and leave them alone, I did not want to cause any problems between them. She said we are friends and he will have to deal with it.

She was working last night so me and friend went up to see her and for a chat after work, her boyfriend wanted her to go home (not to his) straight after work but she said no I am seeing Cy. This must have angered her bf as he was there when I turned up, I was introduced and said hi and shook his hand. He then left the pub I said goodbye and apparently he is not happy.

Now is it only me or is this whole situation silly, why are people so threatened by the oposite sex they are missing out on the benifts of having friends of both sexes, this just angers me as no one would bat an eyelid if it was a man but instead I am being made out by most people to be satan spawn.

Your taking her crimbo shopping and hanging around with his gf? why wouldnt he be happy.

your a threat she could start to like you in his eyes. id back off.

squiffy · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:14

cymatty

Are you gay?
When you go shopping do you go alone with her, or with group of her/your friends?

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:15

squiffy said:
cymatty

Are you gay?
When you go shopping do you go alone with her, or with group of her/your friends?

No

We went shopping just the two of us, but he does not know about that.

shifty_uk · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:15

Neon said:
Your taking her crimbo shopping and hanging around with his gf? why wouldnt he be happy.

your a threat she could start to like you in his eyes. id back off.

The Running Man · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:16

Neon said:
Your taking her crimbo shopping and hanging around with his gf? why wouldnt he be happy.

your a threat she could start to like you in his eyes. id back off.

doesnt sound likes its worth the hassle...men and women dont usually become "good friends" unless somethign else happens from it tbh. only a few rare cases anyway.

it doesnt sound like its a heathy situation and either she is being silly or naive not realising how much it is winding her bf up...

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:18

Neon said:
Your taking her crimbo shopping and hanging around with his gf? why wouldnt he be happy.

your a threat she could start to like you in his eyes. id back off.

I may end up doing that, it just annoys me that other peoples insecurities and trust issues have to spoil a freindship.

kitten_caboodle · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:19

cymatty said:
No

We went shopping just the two of us, but he does not know about that.

maybe he knows she's keeping something from him. She should just be honest and if he doesn't like it, then they deal with it. Hiding stuff is only going to make him think there's something more going on. After all, if it's harmless, why is she keeping it from him?

cymatty said:
I may end up doing that, it just annoys me that other peoples insecurities and trust issues have to spoil a freindship.

I know mate, I've been a victim of it in the past

. But at the end of the day, she's choosing to be with him, so in a way it's her fault :/

iCraig · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:19

cymatty said:
We went shopping just the two of us, but he does not know about that.

That's the clincher really. I trust my girlfriend explicitly but if a guy went christmas shopping with her, and it was just those two. I admit, I would ask questions. Especially in terms of the boy going with her.

Boy and girl don't usually go shopping together alone, unless they're a couple of some sort. If you two are simply friends, why is he kept being in the dark about the shopping trip?

When he finds out (which he will do) he would be very suspicious that you pair kept it a secret, and rightly so.

Neoni · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:20

cymatty said:
I may end up doing that, it just annoys me that other peoples insecurities and trust issues have to spoil a freindship.

but its like if she was my gf, and you was taking her out for drinks, and shopping, id lose my rag with you.

id be like why is she spending more time with him, than she is me?

and why is he taking her out, when there just suppose to be friends? (wierd) i know.

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:22

iCraig said:
Boy and girl don't usually go shopping together alone, unless they're a couple of some sort. If you two are simply friends, why is he kept being in the dark about the shopping trip?

When he finds out (which he will do) he would be very suspicious that you pair kept it a secret, and rightly so.

The thing was I didnt know that she had not told him until we were there, a bit late to do anything. She has said if we go out again she will tell him she didn't want all the hastle of him going off on one, which i do not agree with but it is her relationship.

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:24

Neon said:
but its like if she was my gf, and you was taking her out for drinks, and shopping, id lose my rag with you.

id be like why is she spending more time with him, than she is me?

and why is he taking her out, when there just suppose to be friends? (wierd) i know.

It was one night, she has no transport so I offered to tkae her to the Trafford Centre to buy his christmas present. I did not buy her anything we bought our own drinks and we went to the bar for a chat about her problems which she has no one else to tlak to about. I just think it is weird that people look at freindships differently and expect you to act differently if it is a boy or a girl. I personally see no difference.

Arcade Fire · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:25

Nickg said:
it doesnt sound like its a heathy situation and either she is being silly or naive not realising how much it is winding her bf up...

More likely she does realise, and is doing it regardless - either because

(i) she wants to wind her boyfriend up, or
(ii) she doesn't care, or
(iii) she wants to make a point that she's allowed to have male friends.

Arcade Fire · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:26

cymatty said:
I just think it is weird that people look at freindships differently and expect you to act differently if it is a boy or a girl. I personally see no difference.

Then yes, you are very naive. There is a quite obvious difference between your friendships with other men and your friendships with women, namely that sexual attraction could exist in one but it couldn't in the other.

iCraig · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:26

No no, it's great Cy. You're totally right - male/female friendships are perfectly normal and acceptable. But although you're not actually doing anything wrong, can you see why he is feeling uncomfortable?

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:26

Arcade Fire said:
More likely she does realise, and is doing it regardless - either because

(i) she wants to wind her boyfriend up, or
(ii) she doesn't care, or
(iii) she wants to make a point that she's allowed to have male friends.

Well after spekaing to her last night both 2 or 3 could be very accurate.

cymatty · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:29

iCraig said:
No no, it's great Cy. You're totally right - male/female friendships are perfectly normal and acceptable. But although you're not actually doing anything wrong, can you see why he is feeling uncomfortable?

I can see his side of the coin, maybe I am just thinking if it was me I would not care, my ex was friends and saw alone a boy who would have liked nothing more than to have his way with her, I trusted her and our relationship and I never said a word.

crystaline · 17 Nov 2006 at 15:31

Arcade Fire said:
More likely she does realise, and is doing it regardless - either because

(i) she wants to wind her boyfriend up, or
(ii) she doesn't care, or
(iii) she wants to make a point that she's allowed to have male friends.

Exactly. It does seem a little naive to think she wouldn't know how her bf would react to this anyway. There is always going to be a bit of being possessive in relationships.

If he wasn't being possessive at all, she would make a big deal of asking him, 'Why don't you care enough', so neither him nor you can win really.