Anyone fancy reading a script I wrote?

[anksta]

DANNY
Why didn’t answer the door you
*******? Stood there for ages, had
to go round the back.

should that be 'why didn't you'

yeah mate, thanks very much, any other thoughts?

Ive got a good friend that has written a few bits and got commissioned for TV...i can pass it on an give it a read myself if you want and give some feedback.

that'll be great mate, will send it on now

Nah, I get what you mean; having lived around here for the past decade, I can also see how that fits in with this scenario as well as The Office (work in one, understand entirely ).

As for where I live, yeah, in-between those two. Just at the bottom of Ferngrove, to be more precise, so I know the area reasonably well although I tend to steer clear if I can (had a few...'incidents' up not far from here).

haha, I used to go to a mate's house after school who lived on Dickybird (I went to St Joey's).

If my dreams come true and it gets made, then I've always seen it as being primarily set on Dickybird, the motorway running through it is so picturesque for something like this.

Incidentally I live just further up, nearer the hospital a safe distance away from the Bronx.

I have another play I've written, although it's not finished, about the hardware shop at the bottom of Fern Grove, you know where they put a BILLION things outside of every morning, all with little price tags, near the house with the dark side of the moon logo over the door.

Right, I'm gonna go to bed, thanks for everything tonight guys. I've sent it to 19 people off here and some other friends, I've heard back from maybe 3 so either 16 people hated it, got bored fast or just haven't got round to it yet.

You can tell me if you hated it, either email me or post in here, will check in the morning.

Night night.

 

[anksta]

I'll take a read

- Pea0n

sent mate, thanks

If you need anymore people to read over it email me in trust

I'll take a read

no emails guys, can you send me one from my trust and I'll send it on, thanks.


Afternoon anyway, thanks for all the help from last night. I've been working all day so far but I thought I'd just have a break and come check this thread.

A thought that hit me last night is I took out my contact details from the PDF I've been sending round, as I just said to Sayso, if anyone likes it enough to send onto a friend whose got a friend whose got a friend or whatever that might be in a position to actually do something about, could they let me know please and I will send them the copy with the title page and contact details on?

I know that's a bit pedantic but still, might make the difference with something like this.

Has anyone had any more thoughts on the script today?

Cheers

 

[anksta]

Happy to have a read if you still happy to send it out?

yeah sure, no email in your trust though.

Send one over to mine and I'll send it through.

Thanks
EDIT: just got your message mate, will send it now

 

[anksta]

After reading some of the replies, seems like the content would be something I'm interested in. Send a copy over if you want another opinion and I'll be happy to read it.

yeah mate sure, no email though, send me one over

I think it starts slow and read somewhere that the average person gives a new tv program 60 seconds to catch them, just something to think about.

The middle is fantastic, had me laughing. Emily character seemed a bit useless, needs abit of work, why does she like him? why is he mad with her? Also I thought it wasn't clear why he was running away to spain over a bill? In modern courts people rarely go to prison for not paying a bill, more like payment plans etc. (or have I missed something?)

Ending is good but a bit 8 mile.

Yeah I'm worried about the ending being a bit 8 mile as well to be fair, we actually had him rapping in previous drafts but that was even worse. This way anything can happen at least.

As for the 60 second rule, I'm not aware of that, the general consensus with a script, for a feature at least, is 10 pages.

I think in the first minute (taking the page a minute rule) you find out the three main characters, you see him rip down his posters and, technically just over a minute you see the flashback. Is it not that intriguing?

The Emily character was originally introduced to make Danny seem a bit more sympathetic but we changed it to be more about introducing his relationship with this girl that's locked up.

The whole point about her being mad at him and things is more about a sub plot that is merely introduced and try to entice a viewer to want to watch a second episode. The fact that something has happened in the past but not told what, as well as using it to explain about his locked up bird was intentionally brief.

Do you think it's nowhere near enough or, say if you knew that in subsequent episodes you would find out exactly what happened and how that affected Danny, it would be enough of an intro?

Thanks for reading though mate, appreciate the feedback, some good questions raised. That Emily and Andy are the only 2 introductions to this draft so it's important to not assume they have the same background as the other characters.

 

[anksta]

I'll have a read

email me mate

 

[anksta]

Done

there's no email in there mate, it normally says "reply to this member should be addressed to:" and then an address, yours is blank.

 

[anksta]

Ops - sorry, just enabled trust, and it might not be working properly yet - have sent you an email

sent mate

I'll read it. Email in trust.

I'll take a read as well anksta if you would like

Email in trust

no emails guys.

How come it shows up in some people's but not in others?

 

[anksta]

I sent you a mail back about some things that I didn't think read right, best of luck making some changes if you think needed.

As for the script itself - I can visualise it working Ok for TV although its not my sort of show. I'd expect it to go down well for those who like Eastenders etc.

Best of luck with it, keep us updated

- Pea0n

yeah mate just looking through those changes now, "a lay on" is something in particular but it might be worth making that clearer, can easily say "do it us on lay on, give you the cash tomorrow" that's pretty clear.

drop off is the same, that's a specific term but I reckon you're into semantics there so I might just change it anyway as that does make better sense.

And do it cash in was definitely right, will change that.

Thanks for the input though, did you find it funny?

I've sent you an e-mail via trust anksta .

sent mate, sent to everyone I got an email from

 

[anksta]

sent to everyone whose address I have, _ST if you send me an email I'll send it on

 

[anksta]

More than happy to have a gander, MS Office format preferred if possible since it's a doddle to embed comments!

not got it in Word format, at work at the minute so I can't sort it out, don't think it's too hard for you to convert it though.

EDIT: no email mate

 

[anksta]

it's not mate, send one through mine

 

[anksta]

anymore feedback tonight gents and gentettes?

 

[anksta]

Hi, I have sent you 2 emails but not received a reply as of yet?

no mate only got one from you saying you hadn't a chance to pass it on yet, did you send another? It's not in my junk, although I have just found another request so I'll send that on now.

 

[anksta]

anyone got any feedback?

I'm getting very concerned now that I've sent it to so many people and only a couple have said anything about it.

Do the rest of you not like it?

 

[anksta]

I wasn't sure if it was a one off or a series so the Emily point is valid. You didn't answer my question about running away to spain though?

And peon you not find the whole pink tennis racket bit funny? Made me chuckle.

We checked the debts that you could go to prison for in this country, things like utility bills can result in a prison sentence eventually.

The implication that he's been inside before we hope will support that threat of jail. We left out what the specific debt was on purpose to imply that he has a lot.

I'll take a look if you like? Been writing comedy, sketches and sitcom pitches for years now..

will send it now mate

Anksta, just sent you a wall-of-text e-mail

yeah I've just read that Forde, thanks. Gonna reply now.

Anyone else?

 

[anksta]

I'll have a read and post back some feedback.

Email in trust.

no email mate

I'll have a read, email is burnsy2023 [a_t] gmail dot com

will send it now, cheers

 

[anksta]

sent mate

 

[anksta]

dont think i ever got a copy?

sorry mate, I've sent one to everyone whose address I've got, try again if you want and put your username in the message and I'll send another one.

Cheers

Alas nope If it was being acted out then yes I can imagine it being quite amusing.

I think I'd say this --> If it's going to be a comedy, cut out the swearing. If you watch most comedies or funny sketches there isn't any (or at most very little - excluding South Park of course ). Swearing changes the mood too much and makes it too dark, even if it is a black comedy.

- Pea0n

yeah we were worried about the swearing, one of the first pieces of feedback we got was to definitely leave the swearing in, as it removes the authenticity of it far too much.

If you look at some shows, particularly American ones that are on channels that don't allow swearing there is always something missing. If anyone has seen the show preceding The Wire, Homicide on the Streets or something it's called, there is no swearing (past anything mild) in that and it has nothing on The Wire, obviously not just that though.

And also, you're wrong about the swearing in other shows, if you look at almost anything past around 2005 that is intended to be a comedy, swearing is rife, The Inbetweeners and Peep Show I'd say are the UK's two biggest shows in the past couple of years and the crudeness in ours doesn't compare to that in the Inbetweeners, if you've seen some of their 3rd series, even I was disgusted by that.

And I doubt our swearing is all that much more pronounced than in Peep Show.

I'd go so far as to say that the majority of British comedies in the past few years have more swearing in that not. Something like Nathan Barley had a white guy calling people the n word as well.

To be fair I had weighed up leaving the swearing out, but then the BBC and someone from a soap told me to definitely leave it in. You're the first person I've come across who said we should leave it out.

 

[anksta]

I'll take a look for you - email in trust.

I wrote a script about 5 years ago which I was going to send off to BBC young comedy writers, but I was never completely happy with it and kept re-writing. Then re-writing. And then re-writing some more.

Every time I catch a passing glimpse of 2 pints of lager, or coming of age all I think is... I really could do better than this

your email isn't there mate, have to send me one and I'll get it off,.

I know what you're saying, writing has always been my ambition, my dad did it for a while, the BBC produced a radio play he wrote in about 1988.

The rewriting thing is a bit of a dilemma. I've done science my entire education (degree in Engineering, stupidly) and I'm used to getting to an end, right this is the right answer, you can't be any more correct, 2 and 2 is always 4, there is no nicer, or more direct way to get there so I really struggled for a while with being satisfied with it.

I had an abstract version in my head that I never thought I'd be able to express properly, but then with rewriting constantly I honestly believe this is what I had in my mind's eye, it's taken almost 2 years, at least 7 months of constant work but it's there now.

I realise now that it's impossible to write like this from the start, not because I'm a genius or anything, or that it's even good, but you have to start with the truly awful, what doesn't make sense, and then refine, and refine until you get somewhere proper.

I know this is most likely to fail, but I know that the next thing we write (and we already have the next idea) should be awful for a long while, that isn't the point, the point is to get it on the page and then go from there. This is the 7th draft, I'm hoping that the 8th will be a shooting script.

 

[anksta]

no more feedback guys? Spunkey? DailyGeek?