Anyone got any jokes?

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


'You Sign! You sign!'


Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


'You sign! You sign!'


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


'You sign! You sign!'


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:











'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
 
A man loses his eye in an accident. He goes to the doctors, who insist that he has a glass eye.

"How much is it to have a glass eye?"

"It's very expensive, sir. If you don't have medical insurance, it's going to be unaffordable."

"Oh. I don't have insurance, and I'm unemployed. What else do you have available?"

"We can offer you a wooden eye."

So, having no money, the man settles for a wooden eye and goes to a disco that night to show it off. Unfortunately, no women will dance with him, and people are laughing at him. When a slow song comes on, and everybody couples up on the dance floor, he decides to leave.

Then he notices a woman in the corner without a partner. She is revoltingly ugly, with a hunchback, and he knows that she is unlikely to turn him down.

"Hey." he says, playing it smooth. "Fancy a dance, love?"

"Would I!" she blurts.

"Wood eye!? Yeah, well, **** you hunchback!"
 
A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!'

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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "you won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything."

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blow job?"

"No, I never found her head."

-------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."
 
Whats red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket.


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How do you know policemen are strong?

They can hold up traffic


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Two crisps walking down the road, a car pulls up beside them and lowers the window.
The driver says, "Excuse me, do you want a lift?"
The crisps reply, "No Thanks. We're Walkers"
 
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "**** me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un ****ing-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In ****ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
 
mark and paddy was making letter bombs,

mark says, i dont know if i have put enough explosives in this one

paddy says well open it and have a look then,

mark says, no but it will explode paddy

paddy says dont be F.....g stupid its not adressed to you :p
 
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
 
Bloke goes back into the chip shop and asks " Are you sure this fish was cooked properly?"

The Chip shop owner replies " Well yes of course..why do you ask?"

"Cause it has just eaten all the soddin chips" :D
 
The govt inspector and some doctors walking around Rampton mental hospital and they come across a chap sat at the end of his bed going through the motions of driving a car including all the engine noises.

One of the Doctors ask "And what are you doing here exactly my good fellow?"

To which the man on the end of the bed replies "Can you not see I am driving my Porsche..brum..brumbrum"

"But I hate to tell you this my dear chap you have no car" replies the Doctor.

To which the man in the next bed along says "You should not have told him that, as he gives me £10 a week for washing it" !!!!:p
 
Your mum.

EDIT: Sorry, it had to be done. I'll actually post a 'real' joke:

Your mum.

EDIT 2: Okay, seriously:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Your mum.

EDIT 3: Whoopsie:

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
 
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