***Bad Joke Thread***

Thread revival time.

A family doctor gets a call in the middle of the night from a frantic woman saying "Doctor, please come round urgently - my son has just swallowed a condom."

The doctor leaps out of bed and starts pulling trousers and a shirt on. He is just about to rush out of the house when the woman calls again.

"Doctor, the panic is over and there's no need to come round now. We've found another one."
 
Wife comes running in from the back garden screaming "DARLING DARLING! Big John from next door has just told me he wants to turn me upside down and fill my lady garden full of Guinness and drink it all!"

Husband replies "Yeah and?".

Wife says "Well are you going to go sort him out for saying that to your wife?"

Husband calmly replies "Not a chance in hell... I am not messing with anybody who can drink that frickin' much!".

Stoner81 :D
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bum, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures it first!"
 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.

Why where the suspenders arrested?
They were holding up a pair of pants.
 
Not really a joke, but a comment conversation on youtube
When i was venturing the mountaneous forests of China, i was attacked by an angry Panda, and as i tried to run a huge seal came out of nowhere and knockedm out. when i woke up, i was half eaten strapped to a dead blue whale, the panda had obviously previously killed. I a
managed to cut myself loose with my one remaining tooth and managed to make a dash for the border. I am currently at a hidden location using a laptop i found within the panda's den. Please help, i need to be rescued
jimbobbewsey 3 weeks ago
I have sent a special forces rescue team that should be at your location within 6 more hours.
Good Luck
TechAmazingness in reply to jimbobbewsey 3 weeks ago
thankyou marine
jimbobbewsey in reply to TechAmazingness 2 weeks ago
Sorry, I have just heard from the Chinese Mafia saying that they have amputated the group of five arms and legs
I have now took drastic measures and called Chuck Norris
I hope you live.
God Bless You.
TechAmazingness in reply to jimbobbewsey 2 weeks ago
God Bless you too for your support, i have recently received backup of a polish Hippo and an Argentinian Armadillo so i believe my chances of escape have drastically increased. I'll see you on the other side Marine.
jimbobbewsey in reply to TechAmazingness 2 weeks ago
 
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