Busted relationship/cheating partner

Hitman_Leon

Hitman_Leon

Hitman_Leon

Man of Honour
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29 May 2004
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What do I do?


I was curious about my partner who is 30, at the beginning of September last year so I started to leave a recorder hidden in the house. Reason for curiosity she had been getting txts from a guy who she went with for a while about 10 years back. Anyhow to cut to the chase there was nothing in it he got her number from a member of her family and she told him where to go. What I have found out though after 9 and a half years together is she was having a fling with a younger guy who I thought was a good friend and being 17 years my junior absolutely no threat on top of that he’s like one sorry excuse for a male scruffy, body odour ect ect and im no male model but I get funny looks when I say im 36 and I know I can still do the business having turned down/fobbed off and flat out refused a lot of ladies over the years for one simple fact I have a partner who I love and 3 great kids. With what I recorded I found out she had been going behind my back from the end of August beginning of September to the end of December.

I confronted her and she denied everything at the end of December then I left her only for one night and she said sorry and admitted some of it. My problem is I can’t and simply will not even attempt to forgive her until she comes clean for the whole of what went on, if she can’t say sorry for it all then she is not sorry for anything. I have tried and pushed and pushed to get the truth from her but she just will not budge. I have been the complete gent about things also, no raised voice, name calling or anything aggressive at all, she says I scare her to death by being so calm she says to me im like living with a ghost.

I know some will say I must be off my head ditch her and run, maybe I am, I have considered just taking a final leap and leaving everything behind in the most final way anyone can, my life is smashed to pieces and I would so like to find the thing that will glue it back together, that thing is trust, if she would trust me with all of the truth maybe I could trust her again one day but how do you get truth from someone who has told all her friends and family that im a mad man and I have made stories up about her going with a 19 year-old, because she also refuses to tell her friends and family what she did even after she said sorry to me. She told them all while I was trying to get her to say sorry that I was insane and just making up stories so I could leave her and the kids.

I have so much on and I don’t know how to get through any of this, on top of everything im looking at having major surgery later in the year for a problem to do with an illness I have. Im paralysed bellow both knees and my hands are partially paralysed but I keep in shape I have to weight train to keep the muscle I have and I box because its what I did all way through school. and now im practicing for an alpha male moment when I bump into the soon to be very sorry he ever messed in my life boy. I know he’s petrified of me and rightly so but the thing I want the most is her being truthful to me so I might forgive her and put things behind us.
 
She had a fling.
Lay it on the line, she tells you the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the reasons why she did.
Or shes out the door.
 
You said that she considers living with you is like living with a ghost, maybe she had a fling because she felt you weren't in the relationship? But then you also mention that she's made up this story to friends and family to cover herself. Which would be more then reason enough to leave for me, even if I could forgive the cheating (which I doubt I could tbh).

At the end of the day you've got 3 kids, and sadly they have priority. How old are they? Are they old enough to approach about the subject?
 
Dont need them I got her on tape but she denies its her and says I messed with the tape or she says she was talking about something different, and I would rather jump off a cliff that go on one of those shows. I laid it on the line but she just blows up screaming and shouting, which after knowing her so long I know is her tactic when she is caught and is trying to avoid telling the truth about anything.
 
end of the day shes smashed the trust that you 2 had. she must understand that surly?

does she know how you found out??
 
They are the one and only reason I am even trying to put this thing back together, too young to tell anything to though. She has admitted to me that she would hav to move accross the other side of the country if any of her friends knew or family because she is embarrased. As for the living with a ghost bit, thats because I have been dead calm about the whole thing, and while/before it started we had the same relationship we always had, great in every way and we paid eachother the attention we always have from when we first met, even though we have been together so long we always have carried on with the same amount of attention towards eachother it never dropped off or got old or worn out.
 
She dose know I recorded her, which is my right in my house because she tried to get me introuble for it and got laughed out of the solicitors before she said sorry to me and admitted to what she had done.
 
Show her where the door is and then put steps into place so that you have access to the kids (they are yours right?)

Sorry, but if she won't fully admit her fault there is no point trying to forgive her.
 
No offence but she seems a bit of a ho :( It is a terrible situation she's put you in, I personally would have been out of there very quickly but you seem a more forgiving man. What's the difference with her telling you the truth when you know the truth? She can't be trusted either way and is likely to do it again (is she still?)
 
did you supply hovis with the recording maybe's thats why she thinks you edited it only playing .sorry your going through this , if she's not willing to apologise fully theres no point carrying i'd start sorting your child access.:(
 
HITMAN_LEON said:
She dose know I recorded her, which is my right in my house because she tried to get me introuble for it and got laughed out of the solicitors before she said sorry to me and admitted to what she had done.
Click to expand...

Wait a sec, she went to a solicitors because you recorded her?
 
She would most likely get the house and definitely with 3 children you would be the one that needed to find a new home. This happens in the majority of cases.

I'm not excusing her but people don't have affairs or flings for no reason. You need to address that so that, if you forgive her, it doesn't happen again. I would suggest going to relate to talk things through and get everything out in the open.

Sorry you're going through this and clearly there will be trust issues now. You do need to think about your children and what leaving would do to them but if the relationship is worth saving and you still love her then do it and don't worry about what anybody else thinks, it's your life and only you know what's right for you.
 
If she was male she would be being fed though a tube right now if she had survived the initial encounter with my anger. I caught her more than talking on the recordings several times and could have found out at the end of september but for some reason or another I did not listen to the september one until a couple of weeks back, kicks self very hard for that mistake. I do have a get out of jail free card she says she would deserve to be cheated on and I should but I don't do things like that I play my hand and no additional cards. I did at one point before she addmitted some of what went on threaten to give everyone we know a cd of their greatest moments together, thats still an option. One thing though is the kids I don't want her to be thought of badly by the kids or have the kids embarrased in school if any of their friends heared their parents talking. I suppose one thing is overriding here I have too much of a sense of fair play even going to the lengths of allowing my fair play to hurt me. She could never stop me seeing the kids she has nothing on me I have never lifted a finger against her in any way, so if we did part ways access would be sorted in no time, and if she tried to say anything was my fault the recordings would find their way into my solicitors armoury prooving why we broke up and showing me to be the victim.
 
Dude I have been in the same situation well kind of of. Basically I know how frustrating it is when you want the whole truth to be admitted to. In my case my ex was lying to my face saying that XYZ didn’t happen and I gave her all the time in the world to admit to it all. In the end I had proof that she was still cheating etc and when I presented her with this to which she broke down crying admitting all.

The point I'm trying to make is once they start lying like she has done it isn’t hard to lie again and as she has found out it seems easier to lie and hide things then tell the whole truth as it will show what a liar she truly is; so is clearly lying to hide the truth. The other thing that shows she really really doesn’t care for you as much as you hope is that she is making stories up to her friends and family about you. The reason she’s doing this is to make you look bad and take away the bad things she has done from there view. Once again I can relate to this and this is something I know to well. Even if you made mistakes etc she shouldn’t make things up its just out of order and once again is another lie.

The person you used to know and love is gone its that simple. I know its hard I have been there. You know you cant go back because she has lied so much and made you look bad. She wont change back into the person you used to know and even if she did think of all the damage she has caused with painting you as a mad man even thou you have proof. At the end of the day let her lie all she wants to her family/friends you know the truth and have proof. So she’s only making a fool out of her self.

Trust me its painful and is never easy a lot of people who havent been there will never know because being rejected after along term relationship that in your eyes was amazing will take time to get over and with Kids on the scene will make nothing easy.

Its your call really but you will never have the person you want back its that simple and if you do go back with her your be checking on her all the time never really being able to sleep easy wondering what going to happen next or will she do this again.

Just take a bit of time to think dude your the only person that can make the decision and it wont be easy after all this time.
 
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Lots of people do get over their partner having affairs. It takes time to rebuild the trust but it is very possible and people do change. I think in a long-term relationship involving children there is a lot at stake and a lot to lose so it's important to look at all the options first, such as counselling.
 
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