Busted relationship/cheating partner

smelf1 said:
would not take her back especially as she keeps lying about it.
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You've been with her for 9 years and have children together. She can't even respect you enough to tell you the absolute truth, motives etc. She sounds really immature. Not knowing the truth and having doubts might eventually eat away at any trust you have left - you don't just leave recorders around for curiosity, do you? Did you ever approach her about these trust issues? If you do end up working things out there's always the shadow of you recording her and not trusting her, and you not being able to trust her around other men.

I'm sorry but she's a liar, and she might end up turning it around on you (calling you a mad man...), which could end up with you looking like the bad person. I really don't know what advice to give you, it's an awful situation. :mad:.

Good luck :(
 
If it's any help I was in a similar situation where my ex was not being truthful about her reasons for leaving and lied blaming it on an event that took place weeks after she had booked a viewing on a new place on the weekend of my Birthday. I was flogging my guts out to make it work and got sick of the BS. She didn't have a clue till she opened her card to find a copy of the appointment slip, didn't help we were with her parents on Christmas day but it was quite appropriate (and I got some nice gifts to be fair!).

In short I learned that the hard way, it cost me more emotional grief, money and furry members of the family as a result.

You have THREE months from the point you discover an act of infidelity to use it for legal proceedings (if you are married), after that you are basically seen to have accepted it.

If it was me i'd invite friends/family over for a meal and play the greatest hits while you're all sat down but then again i'm evil when it comes to stuff like that.
 
I would rather ditch everything house the lot than deal with her as a liar. When I talk about moving up in jobs and taking greater pay and better cars ect all the stuff that go's with moving up she bursts into tears and says im just doing it because of what she has done and because I want to leave. She says im stabbing her and the kids in the back if I go, but these plans were made before anything happened and she knew what she was risking and maybe would loose if she cheated. I have a very secure future and she knows it, thats another thing will she only confess for that future or for her true feelings towards me if she has any. One thing though I got ready to go out about a week agao and she saw me in new threads all suited and booted and she burst into tears, she knows I could without effort replace her. I went out in November and when I got home she was asleep in the living room, she had told me not to wake her when i came in because she did not want to go to bed as we had a disagreement and I had accused her of what I later prooved. So I just went to bed on my own, heard her crying at 4am she thought I had pulled and gone home with another girl. I had been in since 12 and had gone out with her brother who got the same taxi as me and dropped me off first, I had done nothing. But just the thought of me doing anything broke her in half, she has feelings for me but she has to show them by being honest or the relationship can go nowhere.
 
It's things like this I don't get, you have cold, hard proof of it and she knows she did it. So basically there's 2 people conversing about it, you both know she did it yet she's saying she didn't. It's such a massively pointless lie.
 
Find out the root cause for doing it, then make a decision if you can move on from it.
Sometimes what you think is a perfect relationship really isnt.

If she cannot admit to why she has done it, then she will suffer emotionally under her own doing.
 
Recording and taking videos is boarderline creepy in my opinion, no idea why you stay around seems you are just making excuses.

Are the kids actually yours, i cant tell from your post? If not just leave you dont owe them or their mother anything, shes a cheating ho and sounds like a fantastic character by telling your family/friends/solicitor that shes been an angel and its you whos the problem.
 
ErNciLator said:
she's lying to you, to protect you being upset. thus she loves you.
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thats what I thought but she thought I was going to put an end to myself full stop and never tried to stop me so I don't know anymore, although I wish it were true but the lies have to end or me and her have to end.
 
HITMAN_LEON said:
I would rather ditch everything house the lot than deal with her as a liar. When I talk about moving up in jobs and taking greater pay and better cars ect all the stuff that go's with moving up she bursts into tears and says im just doing it because of what she has done and because I want to leave. She says im stabbing her and the kids in the back if I go, but these plans were made before anything happened and she knew what she was risking and maybe would loose if she cheated. I have a very secure future and she knows it, thats another thing will she only confess for that future or for her true feelings towards me if she has any. One thing though I got ready to go out about a week agao and she saw me in new threads all suited and booted and she burst into tears, she knows I could without effort replace her. I went out in November and when I got home she was asleep in the living room, she had told me not to wake her when i came in because she did not want to go to bed as we had a disagreement and I had accused her of what I later prooved. So I just went to bed on my own, heard her crying at 4am she thought I had pulled and gone home with another girl. I had been in since 12 and had gone out with her brother who got the same taxi as me and dropped me off first, I had done nothing. But just the thought of me doing anything broke her in half, she has feelings for me but she has to show them by being honest or the relationship can go nowhere.
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Sounds more like she doesnt want to lose the gravy train you are providing for her, fake tears to make you feel bad etc. Just move on, you are a complete mug if you dont.
 
HITMAN_LEON said:
I would rather ditch everything house the lot than deal with her as a liar. When I talk about moving up in jobs and taking greater pay and better cars ect all the stuff that go's with moving up she bursts into tears and says im just doing it because of what she has done and because I want to leave. She says im stabbing her and the kids in the back if I go, but these plans were made before anything happened and she knew what she was risking and maybe would loose if she cheated. I have a very secure future and she knows it, thats another thing will she only confess for that future or for her true feelings towards me if she has any. One thing though I got ready to go out about a week agao and she saw me in new threads all suited and booted and she burst into tears, she knows I could without effort replace her. I went out in November and when I got home she was asleep in the living room, she had told me not to wake her when i came in because she did not want to go to bed as we had a disagreement and I had accused her of what I later prooved. So I just went to bed on my own, heard her crying at 4am she thought I had pulled and gone home with another girl. I had been in since 12 and had gone out with her brother who got the same taxi as me and dropped me off first, I had done nothing. But just the thought of me doing anything broke her in half, she has feelings for me but she has to show them by being honest or the relationship can go nowhere.
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Don't mean to sound cynical mate, but is sounds like she's having you on.
 
Lord-Jaffa said:
Recording and taking videos is boarderline creepy in my opinion, no idea why you stay around seems you are just making excuses.

Are the kids actually yours, i cant tell from your post? If not just leave you dont owe them or their mother anything, shes a cheating ho and sounds like a fantastic character by telling your family/friends/solicitor that shes been an angel and its you whos the problem.
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Kids are mine, geneticly tested bacause of the muscle wasting I have and it would have shown up. Creepy but I would do anything to protect my back and without them I would never have found out and might have been cheated for years, I had cause for concern so I acted. you know I do sometimes wish I had not but what would burying my head in the sand bought me, more knives in my back probably.
 
wordy said:
Don't mean to sound cynical mate, but is sounds like she's having you on.
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She did not know I was home so it was genuine upset, while she was crying she was leaving like 30 missed calls on my mobile and grabbed me like a woman posessed when she found out I was home sobbing like a baby.
 
HITMAN_LEON said:
She did not know I was home so it was genuine upset, while she was crying she was leaving like 30 missed calls on my mobile and grabbed me like a woman posessed when she found out I was home sobbing like a baby.
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Thats part of what I meant, turning on the waterworks for symapthy.
 
If she cannot come clean and admit ALL that went on then she cannot be truly sorry for it in my opinion.

Its a very tough situation and I feel for you.
 
Do you still love her? Do you see a future? People make mistakes, I'm not condoning what she did by any means but you have a 9 year relationship and 3 kids for a reason. My own personal opinion is if you love her you need to tell her what she has done is awful but forgiveable as long as everything is honest and open between you both. Good luck.
 
Going to Cali said:
Do you still love her? Do you see a future? People make mistakes, I'm not condoning what she did by any means but you have a 9 year relationship and 3 kids for a reason. My own personal opinion is if you love her you need to tell her what she has done is awful but forgiveable as long as everything is honest and open between you both. Good luck.
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I love her, love her more than I should because im still here, If she came clean I would give her a chance, and I have told her exactly what you say above. I think that she sees it that what she has done is unforgivable and despite any promise I make about staying and I always keep them she thinks I will walk out weather she tells the truth or not. What I say is lying is the worse sin as by lying whatever you say about love is also a lie and liars have no love for themselves or anyone else because lies create mistrust and the stress and life turns to an everyday hell. if the lies end maybe we could work things out and she knows that but its weather she takes the chance and the lies end then I take the chance and give her one chance for us to work.
 
Get rid, why be with someone if they dont be with you, dont use the kids as an excuse, thats the easy way out, tell her you want her gone within a week or the kids and family get to know the trust about her and her recorded business...
 
Dude she has no respect for your feelings. Dont be deluded into thinking that she does because she cries when you wear a nice suit. She's not doing it because of you, she's doing it because she has been caught. So many points in this scream "Im with you not because I love you".

She CHOOSES not to come clean and your blatantly refusing to accept that - the fact that she is refusing to come clean only further shows how much she doesnt care for your feelings and more than likely will do it again in due course.

She says that you are back stabbing the kids when the knife had been put in and then some when she started the affair. If anything you should kick her out and keep the kids.

Im sorry mate but love is very very blind and you allowing her to play you, and pretend she is sorry with some tears on top is just her way to keep her comfortable lifestyle. if you left her she would lose everything and she deserves just that. She bit the hand that fed her and now it is up to you how to best take action. One thing for sure though you will easily forgive but you will never forget. The thought will always be in the back of your mind and more importantly once she has told you everything you still wont 100% believe her as much as you want to. Thats from personal experience.

Dealing with it very calmly is good on the outside but bottling up your emotions could be very implosive, which can be far worse than a bit of shouting.

Her saying that she feels like she's living with a ghost is just an excuse. if she thought the relationship was failing and WANTED to resolve it she would speak about it and think of possible counciling, but no, she decided a guy 17 years younger and bad pits will do because end of the day she couldnt be bothered to talk to you and have you think she wasnt happy when she could have you think things between you both were fine, have plenty of money and a guy on the side. because she is happy. she likes that. she chose it. she wasnt forced into it, she went out deliberately looking for it. and your ex friend was very happy to oblidge. what is more is that how can you trust her with other new males again? fact of the matter is you cant. If this punk with bad body odour can come along and have her so easily why cant a guy with better looks, more money and whiter than white teeth take her too. fact is - you dont know. and you wont get the trust back. trust isnt earned on a whim, its built over time and something such as this can destroy it no matter how big the trust is. infact its worse if it has been over such a long period of time. after 9 years you shouldnt have to question her, it should be obsolete. But here you are. telling us how she cheated on you and is now trying to make you feel guilty about it. She destroyed your trust, the most important value to keep a relationship working. You will never get those 9 years of trust back. You have to start from scratch. If it was me I would be able to look at her fine. communicating would be impossible, It would be idle chit chat like "how was your day", "whats news with you", questions you dread to hear the answers too. and its that communication boundary that she has set up. Not you.

Really dont know what else I can say other than you should stop right now about thinking with your heart because its going to be against you on this one.
 
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