Dealing with a break up

It wasn't just the only *serious* relationship I've had - it was the only one of any kind I'd ever had.
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but I *know* that nothing could ever live up to the good times we had
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Please take this the right way : the reason that you believe point 2 is because of point 1. You have no frame of reference, this is obviously a huge upset to you and therefore I suppose it's logical to think, "Well, that was my one chance and it can't possibly get any better than that."

The good news is that this is rubbish. The bad news is that it may take a while for things to pan out well, as they almost certainly will do. There's probably few people on these boards who haven't had times in their life when they've been in a situation very similar to the one you describe. But things do get better and you will meet new people and some of those will be nice women and - how unexpected! - one or two of those nice women will be pretty keen on you and - even more unexpected! - you're actually pretty keen on one of them. That's how it works.

What stops it from working is if you actively put a stick in the spokes. Examples might include staying in your ex-beloved's spare room, tearing yourself up more and more by being in contact with her and being witness to her struggle to come to terms with things too, and you never moving on. For example, you understand ;)

Short answer : you will feel like crap for a while, possibly a long while. You can accept that and have a cry now and again but deep down know that things will get better (because they do) or you can not accept that and spend a lot longer feeling a lot worse and wasting your life.

It is your choice how badly this situation affects you, how you let it dictate your actions and how you come out of this at the end. Because there is an end, things do improve and amazingly get even better than you thought they could ever be but you absolutely have to work towards that. If you don't, you're doing yourself a dis-service and that will be a horrible regret later in life.

Good luck :)
 
-Laser- said:
She just says things haven't been right for a while, her feelings have changed and to her we've become more like friends than a couple. I don't feel the same way at all though, although I do appreciate that she can't help the way she feels.
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This is EXACTLY what happened to me!

Friggin women, lol
 
Re-connect with your old friends you have lost touch with, do all the things which you have been unable to do because you've had to ask permission or compromise, go visit a mate for a weekend on a whim, or go organise a weekend in Dublin, Prague, Amsterdam with a few mates. Go up to your local football or rugby club and watch some matches, go to random gigs, chill out in bars and chat to the bar staff, kick back with some loud music and a couple of cold beers and enjoy that you don't have to account to anyone for your whereabouts or pick up your phone, there are tons of things which are good about being single when you actually think how much you give up.

Everyone feels crap when their first serious relationship breaks up, you're certainly not in the minority, take the time to re-assert your single individuality and get your confidence back and the girls will be flocking to you in no time :D And then, when a relationship happens again, you can take all the things you've learnt, apply them, and it's even better, and will make you think what were you so hung up about when you first broke up :)

*edit*

And screw moving into her spare room! Get a flatshare with similar-minded, single, individuals and have the frickin' time of your life!
 
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-Laser- said:
Sorry to post this, I know some people really hate these threads, but I want to express how I feel in a completely honest and open way, and I don't think I can do that with anyone I know in real life.

I've recently split from my girlfriend of 4 years, I'm not dealing with it well, and don't even want to at the moment. I can't see myself every being as happy again as I was during those 4 years. It wasn't just the only *serious* relationship I've had - it was the only one of any kind I'd ever had. I was never really interested in casual relationships. She was more than just a girlfriend to me, she was my best friend too, we'd lived together for 3 years and did almost everything together. The relationship was pretty intense to begin with, and we were both totally obsessed with each other. I guess things just gradually changed, and I was in denial that they had, so it seems really sudden to me. We're still on fairly good terms, she still wants to be friends and has even said I can still stay with her if I want to (spare room). I don't think I can just go cold-turkey and cut her off, I still love her more than anything in this world, and would do anything to change things back to the way they were, but I think if I do stay friends with her I'm not going to deal with it at all, and just stay in love with her. She says it will be a long time before she will be ready for any kind of relationship again, which is some comfort, but at some point she *is* going to find someone else, and if we do remain friends I really wouldn't be able to deal with that situation at all well. I can actually picture it quite vividly - a bunch of us in the pub and her showing up arm in arm with someone else. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's not that I can't see myself ever being in another relationship, but I *know* that nothing could ever live up to the good times we had, everything about her was so perfect to me, nobody else could possibly compare. I don't want to sound over dramatic or anything but I feel like not only is the relationship finished, but my life is too - it is no longer worth living. Because I was so happy with her I lost touch with most of my other friends, we'd hang out with either her friends or our mutual friends. Without her and her friends I only have a couple of people left I would consider real friends, and I haven't really seen much of them in a while either due to their own relationships etc. I was looking forward to a good future, we were planning on buying a place of our own, marriage etc. Now the future holds no promise of anything that makes me want to go on with life, I'm sleeping on the sofabed at my Dad's which is obviously far from ideal, I need my own space to be able to deal with things and I've got used to being fairly independent, not to mention the fact that I'm imposing on him. I can't afford to buy a flat so the only option would be to rent, but I can only afford a very small place which I think would just depress me more - being on my own in a small space, with barely any social life or contact with the outisde world except work, eating microwave ready meals for one. Moving back into her spare room seems very appealing at the moment - I'd have my stuff, my own (quite big) space and I'd still be able to see her, even if it's not going to be anything like our previous relationship. Part of me knows this is probably not going to help, and is possibly a really bad idea. My job isn't helping either, I work in immigration, so a lot of the people I speak to are talking about wanting to get married, having been married for x number of years, or relationships ending which is getting hareder and harder to deal with. Getting back together is definetly not an option apparently, so the only choice I have is either to try and get on with things, and remain friends, or just go our separate ways. I don't think I can do either of those.

Sorry for the long thread, not really sure what I hoped to acheive by posting, maybe just peoples views and how other people have dealt with this situation, but in a way it has helped just putting things down in writing.
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All you need to do is; shutdown, flash her bios, reboot and install latest drivers and the problem should be fixed ;)
 
I wouldn’t suggest moving back in to be honest its the last thing you want to do unless you think your going to get back together. And what I mean by think your going to get back together is that you’re both wanting it. Not that you hope to move back in and hopes she’s falls for you again because if you do that and it fails ie she moves on or brings a new bloke around then your be destroyed knowing you wasted all that time. And I'm not saying that’s the case just saying what I think could be happening.

I think you should try for at least a while and remove your self from her life. I was in a long term relationship that ended horribly and at first I was in the same stage as you thinking that nothing would ever be the same again and only could see the good times which if I'm honest is a killer and I know how you feel. The difference being I've got past that now, with my new gf that my relationship is miles better then my last.

Keep your chin up and don’t let this destroy you its hard... really hard at first you just have to keep busy and take your mind off things so that you dont think about it all the time.
 
Sorry to hear this man, but all I can say is that you have probably pinned far to much on this relationship.

Getting so attached to anything in this life is always a recipe for failure. The simple fact is that from the smallest insect to the biggest star NOTHING in this universe lasts forever. This is why you should never live your life through the future.....i.e. I'm happy now because in the future I know (insert event) will happen.

This is not to say you shouldn't have hopes and dreams or fall in love with people, of course you should, but you mustn't use these things in a needy way where you rely on them to fulfil your life and keep you happy.

I can tell you now that your life is far from over, it's just begun a new chapter, which is going to be really cool if you ever write an autobiography!

The fact this is your first solid relationship doesn't help because ahead of you now lies the "unknown" and your already trying to compare this "unknown" to the past. But if it is unknown, then how can you know what will happen?

In the same way you invented an imaginary life ahead of you with this girl, your now doing the opposite and imagining a terrible existence without her. The fatal flaw of course is that neither of these things have ever actually happened.....other than in you mind.

Take each day as it comes, if your sad today then be sad but never worry about how you will be tomorrow.....you'll find that out when you get there.

Chin up,
 
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jakeke said:
I know what you mean about her being your best friend etc. - my ex was practically a female mirror of me, and I'll probably be friends with her for a long time as we get on so damn well, but things had gotten rather routine and stale and that's not the type of guy I want to be so I felt I needed a change.
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That's pretty much it, we had lots in common, but not so much that we were joined at the hip or anything, but she's the one feeling things have gotten stale and wanting a change.

jakeke said:
I personally look forward to a little bit of freedom and space this summer, I've got friends to take my mind off of it and I go on holiday next week so I have that to look forwards to.
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Thats part of the problem for me really, I can get quite antisocial (not in the tabloid sort of usage) at times. So for quite a long time we'd go out quite rarely, we'd generally be happy just hanging around the house. We did have a large group of mutual friends previously but due to various arguments it's down to just a few people that we still see, and that's infrequent. So I can't reasonably expect them to do much for me. Saying that though, I'm going to see my sister this weekend, and I'm away on a short holiday for a few days the week after, so that may help, even though I'm not really looking forward to the holiday as much. Camping doesn't seem as appealing when you're not in such a good mood, and having to "rough it" a bit anyway.
 
So I can't reasonably expect them to do much for me.
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You'd be surprised. Nowt better than welcoming a fella back into the fold after his incarceration with a she-devil :p
 
-Laser- said:
That's pretty much it, we had lots in common, but not so much that we were joined at the hip or anything, but she's the one feeling things have gotten stale and wanting a change.
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Sadly, this seems to happen so often.

2 people click, there is excitement, passion, and they get on amazingly as well!

A whirlwind start to the relationship ensues, but after things calm down a bit, the women, based on personal and experience of friends, starts to get 'bored'. Not with the guy per say, but what is a great connection without the physical intimacy, other than a friendship?

So you become a very close friend, or even attain family member-like status, and all the passion for you is gone.

So she ends it.

If you were exciting, challenged her, kept her on her toes, then she wouldn't get bored, but then you would need to not be so alike in the first place.

So yeah, nice guys finish last, lol.

So to make a sweeping generalisation, nice guys want nice girls they get along with. Girls like guys who can be improved or changed, are a project and keep them interested.

:p
 
Jebus, what's with everyone breaking up with their gf's?!

OP, you want to try and distance yourself from her as much as possible before she hits you with the "just thought i'd tell you, i'm kinda seeing someone else" thing. Finding out your ex has got a new bf is about 10x worse than breaking up with said ex. If you have distanced yourself enough before she tells you there is someone new, it'll hurt bad, but you'll be fine in a week or two.

If you haven't distanced yourself at all (ie. by sharing a house with her!!) it will pwn you into the ground.

I managed to distance myself from my ex justs enough, but even then i was angry/upset for a week. But now we're great friends again (and she's broken up with that joke of a bf she had haha).
 
Having just gone through a similar situation, breaking up with my first serious girlfriend of about 3 years. It sucks.

The worst thing is not having her, its the thought of somebody else having here.

But i think the best piece of advice is - Catch a grip. Go and have a good cry/whatever go through the motions talking to her constantly, then move on.

Its not nice, its not easy, but the sooner you start to enjoy yourself, the sooner you'll move on.

As for me, im now trying to work my magic on a nice 17 year old. 10 years younger than me last girlfriend, yeehaa!
 
KittensCake said:
FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
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If he's got any cash, the OP should buy himself a hooker. Easy to find and worth the dosh if you've just split up with someone.

You get what you want and you get to feel like you cheated on them too. Once a fortnight for a month and you'll be cured.
 
my ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago. no warning. it took her 3 days from "i love you, see you soon" to "yeah its not working BLAAAAH". i was gutted, still am really. but what hurts most is the way she did it. I mean, nothing was really wrong, she just didnt love me so she says. i ddint do anything wrong, i know that much but.... she treated me like i had. What really makes it worse is that i know her, i knew her long before we got together and she just isnt the sort of person to mistreat people, not at all. she's the kindest person ive ever know. well, to everybody else anyway.

females are complicated and they make my brain hurt!
 
[FnG]magnolia;12022541 said:
Please take this the right way : the reason that you believe point 2 is because of point 1. You have no frame of reference, this is obviously a huge upset to you and therefore I suppose it's logical to think, "Well, that was my one chance and it can't possibly get any better than that."

The good news is that this is rubbish. The bad news is that it may take a while for things to pan out well, as they almost certainly will do. There's probably few people on these boards who haven't had times in their life when they've been in a situation very similar to the one you describe. But things do get better and you will meet new people and some of those will be nice women and - how unexpected! - one or two of those nice women will be pretty keen on you and - even more unexpected! - you're actually pretty keen on one of them. That's how it works.

What stops it from working is if you actively put a stick in the spokes. Examples might include staying in your ex-beloved's spare room, tearing yourself up more and more by being in contact with her and being witness to her struggle to come to terms with things too, and you never moving on. For example, you understand ;)

Short answer : you will feel like crap for a while, possibly a long while. You can accept that and have a cry now and again but deep down know that things will get better (because they do) or you can not accept that and spend a lot longer feeling a lot worse and wasting your life.

It is your choice how badly this situation affects you, how you let it dictate your actions and how you come out of this at the end. Because there is an end, things do improve and amazingly get even better than you thought they could ever be but you absolutely have to work towards that. If you don't, you're doing yourself a dis-service and that will be a horrible regret later in life.

Good luck :)
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OP, you should pay attention to this person-mucho common senso in this posto.
 
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