Soldato
Well I felt I needed to bleed my emotions somewhere, to do them on a internet forum may not be the best idea but it's all I have at this moment in time.
For a few months now I have been battling depression, and im so scared because I do not know whats causing it. I think it's a mixture of things, which I will be explaining later.
I really did not feel up to work this morning, so I called in sick and booked myself an appointment with my GP who I went to see at 10.50. Basically broke down infront of him and we had a chat about the situation I'm currently in.
I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes the past few years, including dropping out of 6th form, then dropping out of college. Then I recieved a loan for my car and im currently working for ASDA, which I hate.
Hate because you are basically treated like crap by customers and management. Also the store is banned from night deliveries and we are given an hour every morning to fill a whole department, which is impossible. So the rest of the day we are left chasing our tails and putting in a lot of work, to then be told we are again down on sales plan and down on last year (which as some of you may know, was probably the worst for Walmart/Asda for along time).
Speaking to the Doc sure did help, as I would love to get back into education but unfortunatly it's too late being as most places enrole and start by september. When I was at college, and working at ASDA I was still getting quite abit of money so I could easily afford to pay off my loan - Yet saving up (something I find hard to do) for this years insurance is another matter.
A few years ago, I met a gorgeous girl who I never realised liked me although I was mad about her. I never told her how I felt and she ended up seeing someone else who she broke up with in October/November after a year of seeing him and straight away she came to me. Which was great knowing. During that year, I was so jealous that I cut contact - Which was a stupid thing to do, I know that now.
She picked me straight up, I felt great when ever I was around her and I had the pleasure of being friends with her mates too. Christmas day came and I went around to her house (this girl, is also the sister of a friend of mine) to see her brother and her. Unfortunately she does not think her parents would understand if they knew we were kind of seeing each other. So im like/was a big secret and I could not go around if her brother was no there.
When I was around, I was sat next to her brother on his PC with her knelt at the end of his desk looking at the monitor. I couldn't keep my eyes of her, she looked great like always - she has these lovely big blue eyes.
I went home and decided to tell her how I felt, but she said another relationship is not what she was after, but she wanted to see me more. It really hurt in some respects, but she did feel something for me. Basically she became so attatched to her previous lover that it hurt when they split up and he wanted all or nothing. Told her friendship wasn't even on the cards.
I have basically since then been there for her always, sometimes she shows me some compassion and then other times she can be so cold and I now know it's to protect herself. She told me a week back that she has started to get attached and she doesn't need that.
Well I ruined things last night. Ever since I was a child, I have had a over active sub concsiousness. She was on msn to me last night and everything was going great, then she just flipped and said I have to go, can't talk. I offered to phone but she said no, I can't speak. She did how ever tell me she had found something out that she did not like.
I remembered that on Thursdays her brother went to badminton and her Ex also went, and something just clicked that her brother had come back with news that her ex had started seeing someone else.
She came back on MSN about an hour later and appologised, and asked if I were mad. I was not, I was just worried. I told her I thought I knew what had happened to which she offered to tell me, if I told her what I thought was wrong.
Turns out I was right, and when I found out I broke down in tears. Surely if she was bothered about him finding someone else, then she still has feelings for him? So I told her that I knew she still loved him although she was adiment she did not but she admited it hurt everytime she thought about him.
She told me from the beginning what she wanted, and that was abit of fun - which we sure did have. She also told me and made me promise that I would tell her if she was hurting me or messing me around.
She hasn't hurt me, I've hurt myself by thinking I could make her love me and by chasing her when she made it clear from the start.
Another thing about this girl is she basically hates herself due to her last relationship and she also thinks shes fat and ugly. Which she is neither. I know what your thinking, every woman feels that way, but I've never met anyone with such low self confidence as she has. Although to me, she is the most stunning girl I've ever laid eyes on.
So, she now thinks less of herself as she thinks she has hurt me and messed me around. That was the last thing I wanted, to make her feel worse and sad. I would give anything to make her happy, including trading all my feelings for her.
I need to kill these emotions I have for her, but I told her I will always be a friend. Currently we are friends with something extra and I do not want to loose that. But being friends as we are now, is that fueling my love for her?
I've royaly messed up anyways, and hurt her although I promised I wouldn't.
I was feeling worse than I am now months back before I had any contact with her, she has helped me so much yet she thinks she is causing me more pain.
Anyways, feel free to pick my post apart for spelling and grammar errors. Im sure its full of them as I wrote it in a rush. It probably does not even make sense.
I would do anything to stop feeling like this, I want to be back to the way I was..... it doesn't seem as if I am able to get back though. Hopefully the Anti-depressants he prescribed will kick in sooner than later.
For a few months now I have been battling depression, and im so scared because I do not know whats causing it. I think it's a mixture of things, which I will be explaining later.
I really did not feel up to work this morning, so I called in sick and booked myself an appointment with my GP who I went to see at 10.50. Basically broke down infront of him and we had a chat about the situation I'm currently in.
I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes the past few years, including dropping out of 6th form, then dropping out of college. Then I recieved a loan for my car and im currently working for ASDA, which I hate.
Hate because you are basically treated like crap by customers and management. Also the store is banned from night deliveries and we are given an hour every morning to fill a whole department, which is impossible. So the rest of the day we are left chasing our tails and putting in a lot of work, to then be told we are again down on sales plan and down on last year (which as some of you may know, was probably the worst for Walmart/Asda for along time).
Speaking to the Doc sure did help, as I would love to get back into education but unfortunatly it's too late being as most places enrole and start by september. When I was at college, and working at ASDA I was still getting quite abit of money so I could easily afford to pay off my loan - Yet saving up (something I find hard to do) for this years insurance is another matter.
A few years ago, I met a gorgeous girl who I never realised liked me although I was mad about her. I never told her how I felt and she ended up seeing someone else who she broke up with in October/November after a year of seeing him and straight away she came to me. Which was great knowing. During that year, I was so jealous that I cut contact - Which was a stupid thing to do, I know that now.
She picked me straight up, I felt great when ever I was around her and I had the pleasure of being friends with her mates too. Christmas day came and I went around to her house (this girl, is also the sister of a friend of mine) to see her brother and her. Unfortunately she does not think her parents would understand if they knew we were kind of seeing each other. So im like/was a big secret and I could not go around if her brother was no there.
When I was around, I was sat next to her brother on his PC with her knelt at the end of his desk looking at the monitor. I couldn't keep my eyes of her, she looked great like always - she has these lovely big blue eyes.
I went home and decided to tell her how I felt, but she said another relationship is not what she was after, but she wanted to see me more. It really hurt in some respects, but she did feel something for me. Basically she became so attatched to her previous lover that it hurt when they split up and he wanted all or nothing. Told her friendship wasn't even on the cards.
I have basically since then been there for her always, sometimes she shows me some compassion and then other times she can be so cold and I now know it's to protect herself. She told me a week back that she has started to get attached and she doesn't need that.
Well I ruined things last night. Ever since I was a child, I have had a over active sub concsiousness. She was on msn to me last night and everything was going great, then she just flipped and said I have to go, can't talk. I offered to phone but she said no, I can't speak. She did how ever tell me she had found something out that she did not like.
I remembered that on Thursdays her brother went to badminton and her Ex also went, and something just clicked that her brother had come back with news that her ex had started seeing someone else.
She came back on MSN about an hour later and appologised, and asked if I were mad. I was not, I was just worried. I told her I thought I knew what had happened to which she offered to tell me, if I told her what I thought was wrong.
Turns out I was right, and when I found out I broke down in tears. Surely if she was bothered about him finding someone else, then she still has feelings for him? So I told her that I knew she still loved him although she was adiment she did not but she admited it hurt everytime she thought about him.
She told me from the beginning what she wanted, and that was abit of fun - which we sure did have. She also told me and made me promise that I would tell her if she was hurting me or messing me around.
She hasn't hurt me, I've hurt myself by thinking I could make her love me and by chasing her when she made it clear from the start.
Another thing about this girl is she basically hates herself due to her last relationship and she also thinks shes fat and ugly. Which she is neither. I know what your thinking, every woman feels that way, but I've never met anyone with such low self confidence as she has. Although to me, she is the most stunning girl I've ever laid eyes on.
So, she now thinks less of herself as she thinks she has hurt me and messed me around. That was the last thing I wanted, to make her feel worse and sad. I would give anything to make her happy, including trading all my feelings for her.
I need to kill these emotions I have for her, but I told her I will always be a friend. Currently we are friends with something extra and I do not want to loose that. But being friends as we are now, is that fueling my love for her?
I've royaly messed up anyways, and hurt her although I promised I wouldn't.
I was feeling worse than I am now months back before I had any contact with her, she has helped me so much yet she thinks she is causing me more pain.
Anyways, feel free to pick my post apart for spelling and grammar errors. Im sure its full of them as I wrote it in a rush. It probably does not even make sense.
I would do anything to stop feeling like this, I want to be back to the way I was..... it doesn't seem as if I am able to get back though. Hopefully the Anti-depressants he prescribed will kick in sooner than later.
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) and for the first year, i just found myself moping about, not really doing a lot....but i was pretty lucky because a couple of them transferred to cheltenham and now i see them all the time. any friends that you still have in your area wiill always be good to talk to about this kinda thing...although sometimes you can feel the love on this forum like a big hot water bottle, a real chat with a real person can help a LOT 
