Divorcees - a question...

[MouthBoy]

I am not sure how to really word this, but how long did it take you to adjust after everything settled?

Just after Christmas my wife asked me for a divorce. I initially moved out to a friends house, bought a house and last week moved in. I thought I was doing fine (mentally speaking) but last week it all just hit me what had happened, and its hit hard.

We were together almost 15 years and married for almost 10. We have a daughter together too. I really thought I was going to be fine about it all, obviously upset, but god it has hit me this last week. My friends say all the stress of buying a house and then finally getting the keys, alongside all the divorce stuff and also my job being very full on right now probably just got to boiling point, and so it all hit me at once last week when I was physically exhausted moving in.

A good friend told me that I was not myself the last few months and everyone has been worried about me, checking on me all the time etc. I didn't notice at all until last week when its just like all my emotions, and this is the only way I can actually describe it, just turned back on. It is so painful. It is like I just blocked it all out, went on autopilot to get everything sorted, and now 99% of what needs to be sorted is sorted, my mind has turned autopilot off and I am dealing with it all.

I know I have a lot of challenges ahead of me, and I am thankful I have good people around me to help, but still - how long did it take you to adjust?

Does any of that even make sense? Sorry if it didn't. I don't usually make these sort of threads.

 

[ShadowMan]

Everyone deals with it differently but the wave of emotions and what I describe as confusion is horrible. It sounds like yours has been delayed. In my case the emotional stuff came early. Do not hold it in. Go seek help and process it. You will be ok but it’s tough and you don’t need to do it alone.

My wife asked for divorce a couple of weeks before Christmas. I begged and pleaded and basically did all I could to hold my family together but it made no difference. Doing that put me in a deep depression. That depression culminated in my trying something really stupid in June. Thankfully I am still here and I now have to carry that with me for the rest of my life. Do not let yourself get to that point. I didn’t think I could but I pushed myself and didn’t heed warning signs I wasn’t ok despite having already been to counselling and having a great support network.

I have chosen to stay in the home. She moved out in March. We stayed apart for Feb as it was getting tough and I was able to be at my brothers. I am due to complete in the next few weeks and despite weeks of therapy and dealing with this and thinking I was doing better it is raw again as it’s the end. Our home becomes mine. I will sell eventually but for now it made sense to keep it. My oldest can stay here til he goes to uni and financially it made sense in current markets.

We were together 16 years. Married for 12 next week actually.

The depression and anxiety had been all consuming. The fallout to my health extreme. I lost 20% of my weight in about 9 weeks. My job was on the line but thankfully my employer is understanding and I was open with them on what was happening. My ex-wife to be has been nothing short of evil at times. Her selfishness and inability to take any accountability is astounding. Everything that is said is turned to be my fault. Everything was down to me. I decided on our last phone call 2 months ago to cut her off completely. I will answer emails about the kids if required for a real reasons. I won’t do anything else. She has reached out a couple of time this month to ask how I am whilst asking questions about the kids. She gets nothing about me and just direct answers for the kids. Any trivial contact will be met with silence.

She has become a victim of modern thinking. She wants to be strong and independent. She wants to travel and life her best life. She wants to do everything she can and has to be selfish. Those are all words she has used. I will never understand it but I am finally realising not understanding it is ok.

The adjustment will be slow but steady. Find things to focus on. Realise there is still future out there and you can’t control all of it. If you struggle reach out and get help. Do not let it consume you even though it is easy to do so.

/edit. There must be something in the water too as I know of at least 3 friends locally plus about 5 friends of friends going through the same thing at the moment. It seems very common currently so you are not alone.

 

[MouthBoy]

Doing that put me in a deep depression. That depression culminated in my trying something really stupid in June. Thankfully I am still here and I now have to carry that with me for the rest of my life. Do not let yourself get to that point.

So, I suffer from severe anxiety and moderate depression. A few weeks after being asked for the divorce, I did go on anti-depressants, but came off fairly quickly as they did not suit me. I did have some very low moments, and some scary thoughts, but thankfully never acted.

The best I can say right now is that I was feeling literally numb, just numb and inhuman for weeks and months, but now its flooding out. Tonight I have been slowly getting my new bedroom/office up together and just slowly cabling things up, but my mind is just all over the place and its hard to concentrate.

This weekend was also hard as it was the first time my daughter got to see the house. She is 8, 9 in December, and she kind of understands whats happening. I have ensured she has her own room in the house and its fully hers. This is not "daddy's house" that she visits every 2 weeks, but "our new house" that she just happens to not always live at. On this point, the reason I only see her every 2 weeks is that I have chosen to move away near some friends, roughly 100 miles away, so that I have my friends around. Where I used to live I did consider getting a house but I would have had no one around me, and I would have always felt in the shadow of my previous life if that makes sense?

 

[ShadowMan]

Your daughter is the same age as one of mine. He understands a bit and having our old home makes it easier for him but he is adapting well.

The fact you recognise you have anxiety and depression is good as you can watch out for triggers and get help. It wasn’t something I had ever had. Doctor wanted to put me on medication. Some friends suggested it too but I said no as it was getting messy and I was worried about custody fights and my health being brought up.

I get the numb feeling. It’s ever present and some days you just autopilot like you said but now your mind can wander and think it’s pulling up all the stuff you hadn’t thought about. It is normal. I do it all the time still. I have my kids every other week as we do 50/50 but those weeks on my own or when I’m doing menial tasks get interesting in my head. Intrusive thoughts that I don’t want but need to process. It does get better and you will process them and think less over time.

On your shadow of former life comment. It is how I live every day. I’m in my family home. I sleep in the bed I shared with her. I sit on the sofas she chose. I will slowly make it mine but that will take money I don’t have at the moment (solicitors are expensive). I wish I could have started again and if I didn’t have the kids and family here (all family and friends within 1 mile) then I would be in market and moving away. I fully get why you moved and it’s a good thing for you.

 

[MouthBoy]

One of the hardest parts for me so far has been missing my daughter. I used to take her to school every day, pick her up at least 50% of the time and have cuddles every day. She is such a proper daddy's little girl. My worry is that now I live so far away (for the right choices) that over time she will be less of the daddy's girl and I am scared she will know me less and I know her less - does that make sense?

I am trying to make every visit the best it can be for her, so its quality of time and not quantity. However, the little things such as the little chats when taking her to school, or when something hasn't gone right for her and shes a little upset so I talk to her about it, stuff like that, this is what I am missing. I want her to know I am still there for her all the time.

 

[ShadowMan]

From experience the quality over quantity is true. I think I make more effort and am more conscious of time when I have them than when we were 4 and it was “normal” and “routine”.

Make plans and stick to them. Don’t promise what you can’t deliver. She will adapt and it will be fine. It will be different but you will make the most of it and that is all she will want.

 

[MouthBoy]

Thanks for the advice mate.

I am hoping that over the coming weeks and months I can knuckle down and just get back to being myself more.

I have to admit I was very nieve about this sort of stuff and how it affects people. My parents are not divorced, neither are my ex wife's, so I had no compass or experience. It is shockingly hard to go through, and I now am beginning to understand how people felt.

 

[ANDREW GREEN]

One of the hardest parts for me so far has been missing my daughter. I used to take her to school every day, pick her up at least 50% of the time and have cuddles every day. She is such a proper daddy's little girl. My worry is that now I live so far away (for the right choices) that over time she will be less of the daddy's girl and I am scared she will know me less and I know her less - does that make sense?

I am trying to make every visit the best it can be for her, so its quality of time and not quantity. However, the little things such as the little chats when taking her to school, or when something hasn't gone right for her and shes a little upset so I talk to her about it, stuff like that, this is what I am missing. I want her to know I am still there for her all the time.

Why don't you talk to your wife about having joint access, where your daughter spends equal time at both of your homes. If she's hostile go to mediation and then goto court if there's no agreement in place. Generally courts usually rule in favour of joint access. It puts you in a better position when it comes to child support, as you don't have to pay it if the child spends equal time at both homes.

 

[Pipe & Slippers]

Why don't you talk to your wife about having joint access, where your daughter spends equal time at both of your homes. If she's hostile go to mediation and then goto court if there's no agreement in place. Generally courts usually rule in favour of joint access. It puts you in a better position when it comes to child support, as you don't have to pay it if the child spends equal time at both homes.

Not sure that’s a practical suggestion given he lives 100 miles away

 

[413x]

Sometimes (often) people relapse after all the "admin" is done.
When my mum lost her mum she was OKish dealing with the funeral, the aftermath,.. All the arranging and paperwork etc.
After the funeral and other things were done.. That's when it really hit.

You were in a long relationship, kids, house etc. I don't think the amount of time from Xmas to now is "long". Certainly not too long to be saying "is it too long".

As said everyone is different. And it's always worse to be the divorcee vs the divorcer.

Also. It's coming to time of year when have Xmas, the anniversary of the event, grim winter etc. Those milestones may be present too.

Less time with kids is something I can't comment on from experience, but I can imagine that's hard, especially with distance.

As someone whos dad made no effort since I was 10 (I've been with my gf 8 years and he's never seen her) just make the time. I've cut ties with my dad because he's never been bothered. He's got a terminal disease I believe, but again. He's a stranger to me. It's basically only times he's reached out.. To tell me that. I know he never helped my mum financially or taking care of us after the divorce.
Just make the effort, that would have been enough for me to care. Kids get older and understand divorces happen. But not making any effort? Yeah no excuse for that one. Don't be my dad. I'm sure you won't.

Also. The old clichés of time, keeping busy, focusing on you etc all apply.

 

[bigmike20vt]

I am not sure how to really word this, but how long did it take you to adjust after everything settled?

Just after Christmas my wife asked me for a divorce. I initially moved out to a friends house, bought a house and last week moved in. I thought I was doing fine (mentally speaking) but last week it all just hit me what had happened, and its hit hard.

We were together almost 15 years and married for almost 10. We have a daughter together too. I really thought I was going to be fine about it all, obviously upset, but god it has hit me this last week. My friends say all the stress of buying a house and then finally getting the keys, alongside all the divorce stuff and also my job being very full on right now probably just got to boiling point, and so it all hit me at once last week when I was physically exhausted moving in.

A good friend told me that I was not myself the last few months and everyone has been worried about me, checking on me all the time etc. I didn't notice at all until last week when its just like all my emotions, and this is the only way I can actually describe it, just turned back on. It is so painful. It is like I just blocked it all out, went on autopilot to get everything sorted, and now 99% of what needs to be sorted is sorted, my mind has turned autopilot off and I am dealing with it all.

I know I have a lot of challenges ahead of me, and I am thankful I have good people around me to help, but still - how long did it take you to adjust?

Does any of that even make sense? Sorry if it didn't. I don't usually make these sort of threads.

sorry for your loss...... and imo it is a loss... when my 1st wife left me i genuinely think it would have been no harder if she had died!. The hardest part for me was at the start i really wanted to do the whole staying friends and keeping in touch..... When i decided to give up on that it got a lot easier, slightly harder for you as for the sake of the daughter some contact will be needed..

I still had the odd "moment" but when my decree absolute came through myself and a bunch of mates went on a holiday together , 1 friend for his marriage and me for the divorce.

i leaned on my friends a lot, built an arcade machine as therapy (I still have it today many years later) and generally enjoyed being single. I also rented out a room in my house which not only helped with the bills but stopped me becoming a hermit. Try to do something similar imo.

Everyone is different, i guess i am lucky in that i like my own company. i would happily have remained single for the rest of my life but after 5 years i met the woman who is now my wife.

We are much better suited that my 1st wife and i ever was, hopefully the same will happen for you

btw your daughter is almost exactly the same age as my son is now and i cant imagine losing him. i dare say it could be her you are struggling with not your wife. Now you have your own pad it may be time to see if you cant up your access. Unless i missed it you did not say how much access you had. Whilst during the week during term time will be tough, weekends and holidays could be split 50:50. Just make sure when you are around you are fun / cool dad so she will actually want that time with you.

100 miles is a lot for a wednesday night in term, but its nothing for a friday 3:30pm through to sunday evening and even less for a half term holiday imo.
Do you really need to be so far away?

 

[Ayahuasca]

I did go on anti-depressants, but came off fairly quickly as they did not suit me.

It can take months before you notice any positive effects. There are also a lot of different ones, so it's a bit of trial and error to find one that works for you.

I'm not a big advocate of these drugs as I think they're over-prescribed and often just mask problems, but there are some success stories.

Perversely, when i found out she had been sleeping with one of my best friends and she was pregnant to him whilst we were still married it made things a lot easier.

That's enough Jeremy Kyle for today

 

[dlockers]

One of the hardest parts for me so far has been missing my daughter. I used to take her to school every day, pick her up at least 50% of the time and have cuddles every day. She is such a proper daddy's little girl. My worry is that now I live so far away (for the right choices) that over time she will be less of the daddy's girl and I am scared she will know me less and I know her less - does that make sense?

Your wife asked for a divorce somewhat out of the blue so you moved 100 miles away? I think this is the key bit of information that means very few people will relate to. If you wanted to be in your daughters life, 100 miles was always going to be a significant blocker.

 

[413x]

It can take months before you notice any positive effects. There are also a lot of different ones, so it's a bit of trial and error to find one that works for you.

I'm not a big advocate of these drugs as I think they're over-prescribed and often just mask problems, but there are some success stories.



That's enough Jeremy Kyle for today

I went on these once and came off them fairly quickly. They did work for me. By work, they took away the three super lows but left me feeling very "flat". Which at the time was better.
Once I felt I could do better than "flat" I came off them. Like you say, very very personal experience. Some people need them, others make things worse. And everything in between

 

[throwaway4372]

Your wife asked for a divorce somewhat out of the blue so you moved 100 miles away? I think this is the key bit of information that means very few people will relate to. If you wanted to be in your daughters life, 100 miles was always going to be a significant blocker.

I thought this too, but as a kid with divorced parents I was back and forth every weekend - it was disruptive for me trying to spend time with friends and keep on top of homework, my dad's new wife wanted his time at weekends so the time spent there wasn't actually quality time with him, and my mum would have rather had the weekends with me too. So my take is the default "see dad on the weekend" thing isn't a good arrangement. They have to find an arrangement that works for all of them, which means talking about it, and reviewing it regularly as their lives change.

 

[ANDREW GREEN]

Not sure that’s a practical suggestion given he lives 100 miles away

Ahh I didn't read that far. They could still probably do an arrangement for 1 week at each alternate parent if he offered to do the driving. Failing that maybe every other weekend and just try to make the weekends special

 

[potatolord]

It will take time, but you will get through it.

At times- divorce/ deaths of close relatives- I've been so busy dealing with immediate problems that I took a back seat. Sound similar?

When I got divorced I didn't cope well with the change. Just felt a bit lost and indefinably angry. I did make a huge effort to spend quality time with our son, and I have never regretted doing that.

I came out the other end ok, and so will you. There's not a date you can put on it, but it will happen. Good luck!

 

[Raymond Lin]

One of the hardest parts for me so far has been missing my daughter. I used to take her to school every day, pick her up at least 50% of the time and have cuddles every day. She is such a proper daddy's little girl. My worry is that now I live so far away (for the right choices) that over time she will be less of the daddy's girl and I am scared she will know me less and I know her less - does that make sense?

I am trying to make every visit the best it can be for her, so its quality of time and not quantity. However, the little things such as the little chats when taking her to school, or when something hasn't gone right for her and shes a little upset so I talk to her about it, stuff like that, this is what I am missing. I want her to know I am still there for her all the time.

You sound like a good father, and doing all the right thing. If she does drift away as you fear, it might just be appreciate a teenage years phase. I’m sure later on, she will see the truth.

 

[valve90210]

I would strongly encourage anyone going through these things to talk to someone about how you're feeling, work through your emotions, give yourself time to process them, understand them and be ok with them. Whether than be a counsellor, a friend or even a total stranger on an internet forum, just get it out so it's not all there in your head weighing you down!

And look after yourselves as best you can physically and mentally.

 

[Hodders]

I feel for all of you.

Been married 22 years together 27. I simply cannot imagine how I would feel if this relationship ended. My wife had a cancer scare last summer and the idea of losing her really brought it home.

Even if a relationship fails, it doesn't mean it never mattered.

Although I would try to be positive, join a gym, spend time doing things, in reality I would probably end up being miserably curled up on the sofa with a bottle of red wine.

Stay strong!