Divorcees - a question...

valve90210 said:
I would strongly encourage anyone going through these things to talk to someone about how you're feeling, work through your emotions, give yourself time to process them, understand them and be ok with them. Whether than be a counsellor, a friend or even a total stranger on an internet forum, just get it out so it's not all there in your head weighing you down!

And look after yourselves as best you can physically and mentally.
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100% agree with this statement. When we and my wife separated for six months. I was in a bad place for multiple reasons and when my wife asked to separate it was awful. I started to go to the gym at 5 in morning 5 days a week and spoke to councillor. It helped me a lot. Luckily me and wife managed to repair our relationship.
 
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Well said, Hodders. My wife left me out of the blue (I eventually found out that she was cheating on me) and, although it all went to [excrement] we were in love for years and the relationship was great.
Sadly, it didn't last for an the standard modern woman reasons.
But it was great once and I got my son out of it so there are happy elements to remember.
 
I'm still confused by the whole wife asked for divorce out of the blue and the OP is the one leaving the house and his daughter and starting a new life 100 miles away TBH.

Does the wife still stay in the house and who's paying for it?


EDIT: This is not a dig at the OP BTW.
 
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Richie said:
I'm still confused by the whole wife asked for divorce out of the blue and the OP is the one leaving the house and his daughter and starting a new life 100 miles away TBH.

Does the wife still stay in the house and who's paying for it?


EDIT: This is not a dig at the OP BTW.
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So yea, my wife literally just told me late November she wasn't happy, and then just after Christmas she asked for a divorce. I do not know why.

My wife bought me out the house, which is normal for divorce I guess, and to be honest in my mind it was "our house" and didn't feel right staying there single. So, I moved out and stayed with a mate for a few months.

The reason I moved the distance is that I have moved to a place I have many friends and so I felt like it would be good for me. Yes, there is now 100 miles between me and my daughter which is tough but over the last few months it's worked well enough, but I am worried about the years to come. I did think about moving locally but I would have had no friends around me (I never had many friends in the area) and I knew that I would have become very hermit and probably wouldn't have been good for mental health. Does that make sense? I am going to have to make seeing my daughter as good as possible on the weekends I do see her.

I should say that my wife didn't ask me to move away, it was my choice. I opted for "if I am happy in myself my daughter will get the best from me". It is a gamble of course.

I hope all this makes sense, it's still blurry in my head.

Also, to everyone else who has said things, i am not ignoring anyone. Just been really busy today and had no time to reply.
 
I know you've already bought the house, but in general I'd say try to avoid making big/difficult to change decisions when you are not feeling your usual self.
Best of luck, OP.
 
EvilRob said:
I know you've already bought the house, but in general I'd say try to avoid making big/difficult to change decisions when you are not feeling your usual self.
Best of luck, OP.
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Thanks mate. I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have to work with. Unsure if I got this one right, but hoping for the best at the moment.
 
MouthBoy said:
So yea, my wife literally just told me late November she wasn't happy, and then just after Christmas she asked for a divorce. I do not know why.

My wife bought me out the house, which is normal for divorce I guess, and to be honest in my mind it was "our house" and didn't feel right staying there single. So, I moved out and stayed with a mate for a few months.

The reason I moved the distance is that I have moved to a place I have many friends and so I felt like it would be good for me. Yes, there is now 100 miles between me and my daughter which is tough but over the last few months it's worked well enough, but I am worried about the years to come. I did think about moving locally but I would have had no friends around me (I never had many friends in the area) and I knew that I would have become very hermit and probably wouldn't have been good for mental health. Does that make sense? I am going to have to make seeing my daughter as good as possible on the weekends I do see her.

I should say that my wife didn't ask me to move away, it was my choice. I opted for "if I am happy in myself my daughter will get the best from me". It is a gamble of course.

I hope all this makes sense, it's still blurry in my head.

Also, to everyone else who has said things, i am not ignoring anyone. Just been really busy today and had no time to reply.
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Apologies, my post wasn't a dig at you in any way. Time after time you hear stories about women asking for divorces and then the guy leaves the home with the ex-wife and continues to pay for the home.
 
Richie said:
Apologies, my post wasn't a dig at you in any way. Time after time you hear stories about women asking for divorces and then the guy leaves the home with the ex-wife and continues to pay for the home.
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No apologies required. I didn't make it clear.

I am paying my part as expected and correct, so no issues there at all. As I say, it was my choice to move and wife was happy with 50/50 but I knew that wouldn't have worked for me mentally. It's kinda hard to explain.
 
MouthBoy said:
I am paying my part as expected and correct, so no issues there at all. As I say, it was my choice to move and wife was happy with 50/50 but I knew that wouldn't have worked for me mentally. It's kinda hard to explain.
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I'm confused - did the ex-wife buy you out of the house (and so is making all mortgage payments) or are you still paying for some of the mortgage? :confused:
 
Richie said:
I'm confused - did the ex-wife buy you out of the house (and so is making all mortgage payments) or are you still paying for some of the mortgage? :confused:
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Oh sorry. Yes she's bought me out and I now own my own house. I am paying child maintenance as is expected.

Today I am feeling a little more settled I think. Spent time this week just putting stuff away and making the house as I would like it - as far as I can anyway without buying new furniture atm.
 
I left my ex wife for another woman. Best thing I had done in a long time. This was a long time ago now. It made me very happy indeed. She was a bit upset and would play Unbreak My Heart when I would visit the kids just for the pressure. She is now happy in a relationship and we get on quite well.
 
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something daft already!! said:
I left my ex wife for another woman. Best thing I had done in a long time. This was a long time ago now. It made me very happy indeed. She was a bit upset and would play Unbreak My Heart when I would visit the kids just for the pressure. She is now happy in a relationship and we get on quite well.
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I had a friend like that. When the women came to pick up her things he would play Justin Timberlake cry me a river every time.
 
I'm actually much happier without mine, loads less stress not being shouted at over nothing all the time. My kids live with me (as they also don't want to get shouted at all the time) so that's made it much easier. I only stayed because i thought the kids wanted us living together, as soon as I found out they were just as fed up as me we all packed up and walked together.
 
Relieved to be divorced from my ex and never looked back (8 years ago now) however I have had serious issues around contact with my children and I now no longer see them, which has had a significant impact on me. All I will say and provided your ex is sane otherwise you'll have no choice but try and keep everything out of court save for getting the actual divorce. Try and deal with the finances and children outside of that (sounds like you have), I had no choice in my case but it is a slog and will cost you a lot.
 
I am happy to say, well maybe not happy - but content, that we have agreed that our daughter will always come first. We have agreed all the money side of things and who got what etc out of courts.

Obviously its not great, but we do make sure that I speak to my daughter every day and if she is with me, we call my wife every day too. Means that we both get to see her, even just over the phone, each day. I hope that long term this continues.
 
Making the effort is great but don’t beat yourself up when you can’t or it changes. I had every intention of talking to mine everyday. It hasn’t panned out that way though. Between school and time with their mum and busy weekends I rarely hear in my week off. Having them 50/50 is easier though as I don’t lose as much as yourself so I can see why those calls are all the more important.

Just remember the time you do spend is precious but you do have to look after yourself first. I was reminded in counselling that there is a reason airlines say put your own mask on first in an emergency. Look after yourself or you won’t be able to look after her.

As you adjust and deal with the emotional side you are now feeling you will make changes and that is ok. Whatever those changes are.

Lean into how you feel. Process it and be comfortable with it. Don’t bottle it up and ignore it. Talk to others in real life and online. Venting here even helped me a lot. You are in for a rollercoaster. It can’t be sugar coated but it will stop eventually.
 
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