Family dispute incoming

[potatolord]

Well, I've just found out my mum gave my sister a free house, which is worth £300k at least. It was a holiday home my folks bought 20 odd years back.

My sister had been living there, rent-free, since about 2009. I've had a few conversations with my mum since then where she has told me (lied!) that she still owned it.

My auntie dropped some very heavy hints earlier this week that my sister now owned it. I checked land registry today and have found out my mum gave it to her in 2021, at a ridiculously low valuation.

I'm both angry and sad that my mum has lied to my face, on multiple occasions.

I'm fuming about the money, but sickened that my mum has been lying to me, for years. I don't feel like i can ever trust her again after this.

I'm dreading the conversation- absolutely dreading it. It feels like it could go so badly that it might be a relationship ender with my mum, but I cannot avoid talking about it.

Does anyone have any useful advice on how I could approach that conversation?

 

[potatolord]

Having a family blown apart over inheritance I guess I'd say.

Think about if you want to lose your relationship with your mum over it or not. That's not to say you shouldn't. Just think about it. Because it could very well go that way.

Edit.

If you don't care.. You can say whatever you want.
But if you do, you'll probably need to enter into it very very carefully. Many people can feel attacked when presented with this type of accusation. Especially if you make it come across like this. Then it can all blow up.

Edit 2.

If it was me, and I was getting almost nothing (I don't know what your split is after this news) and a sibling was getting loads.. I'd probably say "fine.. But im not helping out with any old age care responsibilities".

Thanks for the only helpful response.

This is my worry- I have to talk about it, but am worried it will go very badly indeed.

It's the lying that gets to me.

 

[potatolord]

money or a house isn’t worth losing a relationship with your mother / family.

Are you in a significantly better off financial position than your sister, own your own house etc?

Personally talk it over, find out what her reasoning was. If there is a solution : perhaps she has something set aside for you and take it from there.

Life is short and your mother is precious, and blowing up could have consequences you may regret for the rest of your life.

No, they're way better off than me. I have a house, which I'll finish paying off in my sixties.

It's not the money- it's the repeated lying. How can I trust her, knowing she's lied to my face for years?

I know about the potential consequences of the conversation. That worries me terribly.

One thing I do know is that people who get caught in a lie can react very badly indeed.

 

[potatolord]

Mentioning capital gains tax may not be the most helpful but it's one way to approach it

If HMRC find it wasn't sold at around market value there could be a fine involved.

That'd be spiteful though.

Just live with it, why are you bothered? I don't care about what help my sibling got from my parents, good for them, that's their business.

E: Maybe you mum has been 'lying'' for worrying about you losing your mind over it.

Ta for the suggestion, but I am not grassing on anyone!

 

[potatolord]

Indeed. Why is he so sure the conversation will go badly and why didn't his mother think she could be upfront with him?



Another key question. Why would his mother do this in the first place? Maybe there are good reasons why the sister needs or deserves some help. Isn't the mother allowed to do what she wants with her own property?

By all means have the conversation, but taking a calm and reasonable approach and actually listening to what your mother has to say before considering your response seems essential. If you go in all entitled and fired up then you may well live to regret it.

In short, because she's lied to me and people who lie often get very defensive. I have no way of knowing why she couldn't be honest with me as she's lied to me about it. That's one if the things I want to know.

Yes, she can do what she wants with her property. However, she could have at least told me her plans.

I intend to be reasonable, but I'm shocked my mum has been lying to me for years. That was why I posted-

Given the conversation with my auntie earlier this week, mum must have told her. I am the only one who didn't know. It hurts to know that.

 

[potatolord]

What do you want the outcome of that conversation to be?

To be given a house too? To have a row about being lied to so you can blow off some steam?

Think about what you actually want as an end result and that will guide you as to how to approach things.

I honestly don't know what I want. I'm so disappointed with the lying. Understanding why she made that decision and didn't tell me, I suppose.

My plan is to see her at the weekend and ask her why she did it, and see where it goes from there.

 

[potatolord]

Perhaps you need to really ask yourself "Why?" before you ask your mother. Do you actually want to find out and try to understand her position, or are you just looking to tell her that she's wrong?



Intensity intensifies...

I genuinely want to know why she couldn't involve me when she made such a big decision. She's hidden this from me, and lied to do it.

 

[potatolord]

Actually tbh, I don’t think you can gain anything from the confrontation, best to let it lie, but be very wary in the future.
I know I said the opposite in this very thread, but on reflection you can’t win.

Totally get your point, but I don't think I can suck this one down. It'll poison me over time. Better to be honest and try to get to the truth, I think.

 

[potatolord]

You say in your OP "gave it to her" but also "ridiculously low valuation", which implies a sale.

What if the answer is "your sister asked to buy the house and as family, we didn't feel like we should charge her the full going rate"?

Would that sort of answer be 'acceptable' to you?

All I know is the land registry valuation. I don't know if my mum sold it to her or gave it. There is no record of a sale on zoopla, but guess it could have been private. It's a fair point which I hadn't thought of in my rage. Definitely a good question to ask, so thanks.

I'd accept that, even if it had been grossly undervalued.

 

[potatolord]

I’d go ******* mental. It’s totally bang out of order. If you don’t confront her about this then it will eat away at you for years.

My mums already done her will. 50/50 straight down the line between me and my bro. She’d never do anything different. I’d be exactly the same.

My mum has told me her will is 50/50, which is pretty annoying given this...

 

[potatolord]

Short version of OP:

"Money, $$$, $300k, rent free, none for me.

Oh by the way worried that my mum has been lying to me."

In conversation we lead with what concerns us most.

Yeah, right.

 

[potatolord]

Does your sibling have a closer relationship? Maybe lives closer and takes advantage of your mum being nearby?

Clearly she does!

I'm the one who does my mum's shopping, her gardening (to be fair, my sister lives two hours away). My sister has visited her five times in the last two years, I see her at least once a week but I'm only half hour away. I'm the one who stayed with her for two weeks when she had an operation.

Maybe I need to treat her mean to keep her keen?

 

[potatolord]

What's the value of her remaining estate likely to be?

I don't know, but assume care costs will take care of that. £400k for her house? No idea how much cash she has in the bank- I've never asked.

 

[potatolord]

I was in the car with my dad, think I was driving, don't really remember, was about 4 years ago or so.

My Dad doesn't talk that much really but asked me if I minded if me gave my younger brother a about £40k for a deposit for a house.

I said I don't really care.

Conversation done in 20 seconds.

Even from when I was a young kid, my parents were poor when I was young, my baby photos my clothes all have holes in because they were all hand me downs.

My folks worked hard all their life, and yes while I have accepted some small amounts of money at times when offered over the years, I've never wanted a penny from them.

It's their money, they can do what they want with it.

Money doesn't make you happy, having a good relationship with your parents does.

Your dad told you.

That's the difference here.

 

[potatolord]

Bars

It's fascinating to me to see other people's perspective on inheritance. I couldn't imagine resenting my parents over something like this

A parents legacy isn't, imo, their estate value. They can burn it all, if that's what they want.

EDIT: You already have a home that you expect to pay off before retirement age? And you want more? Sounds a little greedy to me, just saying.

Funnily enough, two weeks ago I was around a friend's house on a games night and inheritance came up. Friend 1 told a horror story about his nan's death and the fall out from that. Then everyone else chipped in with similar.

I told them it was all sunshine and lollipops with my mum and it was a simple 50/50, though with my sister living in the holiday home, I'd probably have to write it off or do a deal.

Well, it's up to you if you think it's greedy. As I've said, I got lied to. That's what's getting to me.

 

[potatolord]

Took a while to get there.

e: I broke the formatting somehow, sorry.

How ironic you pick me up on my post ordering, and mess up formatting yourself.

 

[potatolord]

Let it go.

There is nothing good comes from confronting her about it. There is no answer she can give that will make you happy. Perhaps she lied was because she knows how you would feel about her decision, and turns out she is right.

May be she gave it to her sister knowing she will never be able to afford it in the current climate and this takes care of one children. If you have your own house then she thinks you can take care of yourself fine. It can be simple as that.

What a good post, just really thoughtful. Thanks for that.

I can't let it go, unfortunately. I have to know why she couldn't talk to me.

 

[potatolord]

My point was around the structure and order of your complaint. My apology was around using bad BB code to respond. They're not the same.

Mate, I'm trying to withdraw from this petty xxxx gracefully and with humour, for both our sakes.

Just let it go. It's not a good look.

 

[potatolord]

Consider in advance what your response will be if the answer is "because what I decide to gift/sell to your sister is between me and her, it's not your business and you're not entitled to be told or asked about it".

"but it's not fair if she gets more than me" will just come across as petty/bitter/jealous and probably serve only to reinforce the idea that she was better off not involving you to start with...

Yeah, i do have to think out a few scenarios. That's one of them.

As I said, I want to get to the bottom if why she didn't want to tell me/ has been lying to me. It may be I'll hear things I don't like, but that's life, eh?

I also need to not drop my auntie in it, so need to come up with a reason for bringing it up.

 

[potatolord]

It's interesting that if OP got the house, they'd be the one that was two hours away and unable to help...

Also, if the house is worth 300K and it was sold instead and split equally, 150K each, the OP would have their own house plus 150K which would probably reduce the mortage by a bit, reduced payments, etc. The sister would have 150K which might be enough to buy a 300K house, 50% deposit 50% mortgage. Or it could be easier to just give the sister the house and the OP could get their inheritance later

Do we know if the OP and his sister have any kids? Maybe the sister has more kids, single parent, etc?

I wasn't expecting a free house, or share in one, today. It would have been nice to have been told, or even asked my view.

My sister's has a daughter- about 30 and long gone from home. She was in boarding school until 18, so spent little time there anyway. Both my sister and her husband work.

I have one kid in University, and two in primary school. Me and my wife work.

At a guess, their combined salaries are higher than ours, but I can't be sure.