Father/son relationship question

I would take into account how old your Dad was when this happened, people aren't grown up because they have a house and a kid
 
robfosters said:
What would you do? How would you react to his pleading to be involved in your life?
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It's possible that he's getting old and reflecting on his life, and wants to try and make good in some small way on the mistakes he made. Or maybe he's now a lonely old man and wants company, and ultimately someone he can guilt into looking after him as he ages.

Some things can't be forgiven, and being a relative is no excuse. In fact it makes it worse if someone who was supposed to be there for you abandoned you, and now wants to pretend that big hole in your life should be glossed over now it's convenient for him.

You could be the more compassionate person, but re-connecting with people who have been toxic in your life rarely works out well especially given the stress and health issues you are currently under.

In the end it's up to you to decide if you want to open that old wound for the chance of some kind of closure or resolution to your relationship with your father. You can't get those years back, but maybe you can make some new ones. If you've moved on and have no reason to look backwards or reconnect with the father that let you down, then carry on as you are and just ignore the fact that he's reached out to you on the basis that it's too little too late, and there's nothing you want that he can give you forty years too late.
 
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I pretty much gave up on my old man, he was always too busy with his other women, and then as he got older I think he realised he was a bit sad and lonely and didn't have his kids who wanted to spend time with him as he ****** off that relationship to where it suited him, which wasn't often. I said to him that I didn't need him, I have my own family and if he wanted to be a part of that then it was on him and his efforts. I wasn't going to be running about chasing it.
 
Dirk Diggler said:
It's a personal decision that the internet can't provide. I've never met my father due to a similar "hands off approach" to parenting and I would not entertain any request for contact now or in the future. I'm not bitter even if it's sounding that way, he's simply proved to me that I don't need him in my life.

Some total dick moves can never be atoned for.
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Pretty much ^^that^^, it would be a personal decision but I'd ask what this person hopes to achieve from a closer relationship, it may sound selfish but IMO that's what it boils down to. Does this person want a closer relationship because they want to make their farther happy, to do things for their farther, or to put their farther first? In other words do they still love their farther, do they care if that love turns out to be a one-way street, do they need or want that love to be reciprocated, if the answers no then they've got nothing to lose, if it's a yes though then they maybe better off out of it as there's no guarantee their farther will act in the same selfless manner.

I get the impression though that this person already knows the answer due to the fact they're questioning it, as the saying goes love is blind and if he wanted a closer relationship purely because he wanted to make his farther happy he wouldn't be hesitating, that he is seems to indicate he's either looking for reassurance that he won't get hurt if or when his love isn't reciprocated and that's simply not something anyone can give because it will hurt if he's expecting it and it doesn't happen.
 
Echoing much of what has been said here, you might live to regret it if you don't give him the opportunity. I'd see him. I know I'd be angry as well, but I'd be more angry with myself if I didn't find out.
 
I'd be selfish and get involved only if you think it will make you happier. If not, don't bother. You owe him nothing, and if this is not going to give you benefit then don't
 
My mother no longer knows who am I, or even who she was. It was only as she started to disappear before my eyes that I realised how precious and fragile our connections with the past are. Not all connections are good, but they're all we've got; and they made us who we are as we face the future. When they're gone, we're the connection with the past.

For what it's worth, my mother hated my father so much -- with good reason, I know now -- that it tainted every aspect of our relationship with both of them even after the divorce when I was 11. I grew up with a very muddled idea about what they were both like. Only when I was older and started to realise how complicated and tough life can be, even in ideal circumstances, that I started to forgive both of them; him for just being a hopeless, mentally impaired human being, and her for being essentially a lone parent of 4 with no support to lean on.

We're all victims of circumstance to an extent, even if we react badly. So my adult inclination is always to give the benefit of the doubt. It may lead to more disappointment, but that won't be my fault, so I get to cling to the moral high ground. And no matter how bad it could be, it'll never be as bad as standing at my bedroom door as a kid, listening to my parents fight and wishing they weren't. It's a past I don't really want a connection with, but it shapes my life even now.
 
My mum always wanted a sister for me, but my dad said no. He left my mum after she caught him cheating, he left on xmas eve when I was 10.
I didn't hear from him for 3 years, he then said to meet on xmas eve and didn't show up, didn't answer when I called.
A year later we did meet and he had a suprise for me, a baby sister 4 years old. My mum broke down and destroyed every photo of him. I hated him.

Over time he stopped being in contact, until he got a new woman that he cheated on his latest wife and mother of the girl with. He got in touch again for a while then disappears, until a new woman appeared, and again, and again.
I'm now 39 he didn't show up to my wedding and he messages me twice a year. Apart from when he was furloughed when he messaged me everyday until he went back to work and then vanished again.

I keep trying to keep him in my life because he is my dad, even though a massive misogynistic poo. But I fear he will be like this until he dies.
My advice is, even if your brother does reconnect it could lead to a life of disappointment anyway the next time he gets a woman or new house etc
 
robfosters said:
He doesn’t have anything to lose but he has an intense hatred of him for the things he has done, like going out drinking and having affairs when my mum was in hospital with me when I was having open heart surgery at the age of 7.

He also offered my mums sister £50 for sex when my mum was in hospital having a hysterectomy.
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You could allow him a couple of meetings, just you and him, to check him out and see if he warrants any basic trust. Then just take it slowly and make it clear that he will only be meeting you, not your brother, and that it will be on your terms. SOund slike he is using you as an emotional crutch during a period of trouble and regret in his life, and that should not be a free pass to just waltzing back into your life. Be suspicious, be cautious, do what is best for you and your brother.

jsmoke said:
Depends on your age and maturity. After a certain age then it shouldn't be a big deal. Just go along with it.
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This is idealised and very pretentious nonsense.
 
robfosters said:
He doesn’t have anything to lose but he has an intense hatred of him for the things he has done, like going out drinking and having affairs when my mum was in hospital with me when I was having open heart surgery at the age of 7.

He also offered my mums sister £50 for sex when my mum was in hospital having a hysterectomy.
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Makes no sense? I thought he had already kicked you and your mum out and moved in with hsi girlfriend when you were 5?
 
My own parents split up when I was about 13. My father, who had been pretty distant even before the split, then pretty much disappeared. He moved to America and got remarried. We kept in touch for a few years, and I last saw him when I was 17. Our relationship, which was never strong due to his long periods of absence (he chose to work off shore), became so tense and strained it was unsustainable. I'm 36 now and hardly know the man. He messages me on Facebook to wish me a happy birthday or merry Christmas etc and I usually respond in kind but we're never going to have a meaningful relationship. From what little I know of the man, I wouldn't chose to spend time with him if I were introduced to him today. I don't hate him, and I don't think he is a bad person (though he is deeply flawed and was a pretty poor parent) we just have nothing in common. I have no desire to meet him and can't see what could be gained from doing so. If your brother can see some value in meeting him then he should consider it. If not then perhaps it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. I've forgiven my father for his last behaviour and moved on. I don't carry it around with me anymore but if we met I know there would likely be new arguements, new resentments - new baggage to carry. It wouldn't be healthy for either of us and would be for no purpose given that, as I said before, we would never work through it and become close.

TLDR: depends on what your brother would hope to gain from new contact.
 
As a father I could see no reason at all why I would ever abandon my children, absolutely none. So if this father does not come back on his knees begging forgiveness, he in my opinion would belong in the "not a nice person category". There are evil people in this world and not everyone is worth forgiving, but unless your brother tries I guess he will never know what kind of person his dad really is. Something in favour of the father is that he has done this first step, which could be a good sign.
 
You've not mentioned it, but it's no doubt a big factor in your decision making, and not reflected any of the responses so far (although I've only skim read them)... But it's not a simple case of "you've got nothing to lose" because of the possible effect it might have on your mum.

How does she feel about it all?

Here's hoping for a happy ending to the story.
 
Just throwing this out there as it's my own experience but I wonder if your dad went through something similar with your mum, which you may be unaware of.

My now ex wife had an affair about 4 years ago which ended our marriage and I moved out of the family home leaving her with my 2 kids who were around 2 and 5 at the time.

Contact with the kids was regular (2 nights a week) but I then met someone else and all hell broke loose. Their mum blocked me from contact, would call the police on me when I did have them, acuse me of abuse and molestation. I probably ended up seeing the kids about twice a month for nearly 2 years and she would tell them that I didn't want to see them because I had moved on with my new partner.

4 years have passed now and I'm about to go to court for hopefully the final time and get full residency of my children as it has been proven that their mother is a narcissist and sociopath after years of court hearings, psychological assessments and other social worker reports.

As said I don't know your situation but I wouldn't dismiss your dad just yet as there could be more to it since you were only 5 at the time.
 
I would say;

He's only human, he got caught up in a self centered life at your expense.

Does that make him the devil? No

Maybe he's had time to reflect on it and wishes it was now different.

I would say to him how you feel and how it appears to you and judge his candidate reaction. Maybe he's blagging. Maybe he's regretful and changed...
 
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