Father/son relationship question

[NVP]

I'm about to go to court for hopefully the final time and get full residency of my children

I'm not a praying man, but you are in my thoughts. Good luck, I hope all the best

 

[SexyGreyFox]

Be wary, he's after a kidney or part of your liver.

the OP is John Locke

 

[Scania]

Imagine this, you’re 5 years old, your dad owns the family home and another flat he rents out. He meets another woman who he decides he wants to be with. He won’t move out of the family home and forces you and your mum to move into the flat, which he transfers ownership of to your mum.

He then sells the family home, gives your mum 15% as a deposit for a new house, and uses the rest to buy him and his new partner a new home outright.

over the years due to a controlling partner, he neglects his relationship with you to the point of a 10 minute weekly phone call, the odd visit to watch you play football and the odd trip to McDonald’s.

A few years later, he and his partner split up, things go financially bad for him and he ends up in a council flat. He then decides he wants to be a much bigger part of your life and the past should just be forgotten and you should all move on.

What would you do? How would you react to his pleading to be involved in your life?

On the face of it, I'd just be like .i.. and move on with my life, there is far more to this that I can comment on, this one is down to the particular person it concerns imo.

 

[naefeart]

Some really sad stories in this thread

Ultimately its up to the OPs brother to decide for himself, but I would suggest to him to go and see his father while that option is still on the table. That doesn't mean forgive... it may give him some closure or perhaps help him deal with any demons he may have. Not so easy once his dad is gone.

No one is perfect, my old man isn't. However I'd rather focus my efforts on making sure I don't make the same mistakes with my daughter.

 

[.Lethal]

Imagine this, you’re 5 years old, your dad owns the family home and another flat he rents out. He meets another woman who he decides he wants to be with. He won’t move out of the family home and forces you and your mum to move into the flat, which he transfers ownership of to your mum.

He then sells the family home, gives your mum 15% as a deposit for a new house, and uses the rest to buy him and his new partner a new home outright.

over the years due to a controlling partner, he neglects his relationship with you to the point of a 10 minute weekly phone call, the odd visit to watch you play football and the odd trip to McDonald’s.

A few years later, he and his partner split up, things go financially bad for him and he ends up in a council flat. He then decides he wants to be a much bigger part of your life and the past should just be forgotten and you should all move on.

What would you do? How would you react to his pleading to be involved in your life?

10 minute weekly phone calls sounds like someone who cares. Some children are unfortunate enough to hear much much less if at all.

The financial aspects doesn't come across as malicious at all, but as you're his kids you've probably got 2 sides to this which ultimately is between your mum and dad.

IMO he's worth seeing to flesh out whether it's genuine or not, there's more signs it is from this snippet of information you've provided, but you never know until you confront these things yourselves.

 

[OpenToSuggestions]

He doesn’t have anything to lose but he has an intense hatred of him for the things he has done, like going out drinking and having affairs when my mum was in hospital with me when I was having open heart surgery at the age of 7.

He also offered my mums sister £50 for sex when my mum was in hospital having a hysterectomy.

If this is 100% accurate, then this truly is a sorry state of affairs.
There isn't much I can say other than don't take up any of your time with this person.

 

[SexyGreyFox]

My Dad has zero idea that I want nothing to do with him but for the sake of balance I'll go along with it which isn't much, the odd birthday/fathers day card, the odd phone call.
Let's say all through my life he 'played' me to believe a certain way of thinking but 5 years ago I found out the truth with proof.
It does hurt that I thought one way when it was completely the other way but I am thankful that I found out when I did to apologise to my Mum & Sister.
I'd always had a lot of contact with them but there was always an elephant in the room that was shot 5 years ago, they made me promise not to say anything and to carry on as normal.
And it's nothing sexual or abusive to the pair of them before people start filling the blanks in.

 

[ivrytwr3]

My Dad has zero idea that I want nothing to do with him but for the sake of balance I'll go along with it which isn't much, the odd birthday/fathers day card, the odd phone call.
Let's say all through my life he 'played' me to believe a certain way of thinking but 5 years ago I found out the truth with proof.
It does hurt that I thought one way when it was completely the other way but I am thankful that I found out when I did to apologise to my Mum & Sister.
I'd always had a lot of contact with them but there was always an elephant in the room that was shot 5 years ago, they made me promise not to say anything and to carry on as normal.
And it's nothing sexual or abusive to the pair of them before people start filling the blanks in.

What was it then? Family dynamics are interesting and i still don't understand how you can hurt, lie and cheat the ones you are supposed to love.

As to the OP, the offering the sister £ for sex is despicable - if this is true. And although people do change, the fact that you became second best and were moved out of the family home whilst he moved in the next lot and the fact that he has had little to no contact with you, you don't owe him anything and so you don't need to feel guilty if you decide to see or not to see him.

For me, he is a fellow human being and as such i'd help where i can, but not out of obligation or the fact he is your biological dad, only because i would do that for anyone in their time of need.

 

[darael]

Some sad stories and opinions in this thread.

In m my opinion you should forgive, but never forget. I'm not sure I could live my life hating a gap, I'd at least try and resolve things. Try to understand why people have done what they have done and think about it a bit more before coming to a conclusion. You might come to decide that it wasn't worth the time thinking about, but you might at least have a better understanding if nothing else.

 

[SexyGreyFox]

What was it then? Family dynamics are interesting and i still don't understand how you can hurt, lie and cheat the ones you are supposed to love.

You asked.
Things started to go down bank when they returned from Nigeria in 1979, I was 21 and my Sister was 8, I got married in 1980.
Over those next few years my Dad was able to kid me about what was going on at home and to be fair when I went every week my Mum played the part.
In December 1986 he left and it was no surprise to me but on that day me and my wife announced we were pregnant to give my Mum & sister something to smile about.
Over the next 3 years and two babies my Mum gave me absolute grief that she didn't want me or my babies to see their Grandad but gave me no reason why I shouldn't so over the years it was always the elephant in the room.
I'd kept hearing stupid rumours about what my Dad had done, especially on the day he left, but it sounded like fairy tales with no proof but it came to a head around 5 years ago when we got back from the Cenotaph.
My Sister went to the Solicitors where she retrieved four letters that my Dad gave out on the day he left - one to my Mum, my Sister, my eldest Uncle and my eldest Aunty and the contents in them wiped me out.
My Sister was his little Princess but on the day he left he emptied her wardrobe because he was going to have another daughter to look after. He also took all her shoes and every penny she had saved and I knew nothing about this - I would have broke his nose and got them back
The stuff he took out of the house was normal Mummy/Daddy breaking up but I was never told at the time how he had stolen all this stuff off my 15 year old Sister.
Other stuff that cropped up was my Mum said that I must have known he was having affairs because I played in a band with him but I knew nothing. He would drop me off from a gig around midnight and he wouldn't get home until 3am in the morning smelling of perfume.
My Sister even took him to court when she was 16 because he was demanding to see her, I knew nothing of this even though I lived half a mile away, worked with my Mum and visited at least once a week.
There was loads of other stuff about how he had financially left my Mum crippled in debt through his gambling but it now kills me that I haven't got to say anything to him and every time he rings up I'm scowling on the other end.

You now know the contents of the majority of my counselling and mental hospital encounters.

 

[Sirrel Squirrel]

I'm not a praying man, but you are in my thoughts. Good luck, I hope all the best

Thanks dude, appreciated

 

[ivrytwr3]

You asked.


You now know the contents of the majority of my counselling and mental hospital encounters.

Wow, so sad that people can be so selfish. I know we only get one life and we should make the most of it, but i'm of the ilk that if you have responsibilities, then you don't shirk them, you man/woman up and deal with them.

My parents divorce had such an affect that i gave up on school and left home as soon as i could - but nothing on the scale of your or some of the other stories here.

You're married now, i'm married with a loving family and have done ok, so my way of dealing with it is to learn from their mistakes.

 

[deusexlumina]

I'd basically tell him to jog on, or keep the same limited distance as before.

No different to when friends split up with their partner and all of a sudden they want to me Mr social and good mates and do loads of stuff all of a sudden, but while in a relationship they would never have the time etc.

Shallow and predictable as hell and I personally have no time for people as flaky, unreliable and selfish as that.

 

[413x]

Id also say jog on .


My dad and mum separated when I was 10 (I think)

My mum was too nice to ask for child support, and my dad is a bit useless (not a bad person just useless) so never really had any money anyway.

Not many years ago I got a 10 pounds postal Order. Never cashed it. Would have costed more in petrol and parking!

Anyway, he reached out to me a bit recently but I just can't be bothered. I don't need anything else to think about in life, and my step dad did everything for me and my sisters.

For me blood doesn't mean much though. Never has. It's people who care about you and make effort who count

 

[413x]

My own parents split up when I was about 13. My father, who had been pretty distant even before the split, then pretty much disappeared. He moved to America and got remarried. We kept in touch for a few years, and I last saw him when I was 17. Our relationship, which was never strong due to his long periods of absence (he chose to work off shore), became so tense and strained it was unsustainable. I'm 36 now and hardly know the man. He messages me on Facebook to wish me a happy birthday or merry Christmas etc and I usually respond in kind but we're never going to have a meaningful relationship. From what little I know of the man, I wouldn't chose to spend time with him if I were introduced to him today. I don't hate him, and I don't think he is a bad person (though he is deeply flawed and was a pretty poor parent) we just have nothing in common. I have no desire to meet him and can't see what could be gained from doing so. If your brother can see some value in meeting him then he should consider it. If not then perhaps it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. I've forgiven my father for his last behaviour and moved on. I don't carry it around with me anymore but if we met I know there would likely be new arguements, new resentments - new baggage to carry. It wouldn't be healthy for either of us and would be for no purpose given that, as I said before, we would never work through it and become close.

TLDR: depends on what your brother would hope to gain from new contact.

Basically the same. He mine even text me on fathers day! Obviously fishing! I sent a polite reply. I don't think he knows anything about me really.

Day to day he doesn't enter my thoughts. Not even on fathers day

 

[Diagro]

He had a controlling partner.

He was emotionally abused into ignoring you.

Take him up on his wanting....

My father met a woman when I was 14...
Next thing I knew he had moved to the other side of the world.
The next time I physically saw him was 12 years later. Spoke? Prob 8 years after.

So yea... Errrm.. I'd love an actual father who was around and actually in the country.

If mine came back I'd try for a relationship... But he had some very warped ideas of the world. Such as AntiVaxing and Covid19 is all a lie to control the global economy by the illuminate.

 

[ik9000]

Sometimes it's not just the ones who leave who do damage. It's not excusing it, just saying that even if he had stuck around he might have been a real bad influence, there's no guarantee that the lack of contact hasn't been a blessing in disguise if he truly was dominated by a vindictive ANother party. My advice is hear what he has to say and then make a call, but go with your guard up and be slow to let it down. Equally be willing to genuinely listen. You don't have to agree, but do listen to what he has to say. And it's ok to say you need time to think on things; he cannot demand responses there and then. Set a time when you will leave beforehand and make sure he knows it. Put a timer on and be strict about leaving on time. Sounds harsh but you can always do a 2nd visit if necessary. If it's going to cack you will be glad of it though. It will also help focus his attention and hopefully avoid idle small talk. Don't take cash money and don't give him any personal details he doesn't need to have. If he doesn't know your address etc at the moment then use a PAYG 2nd phone in case you end up needing to cease contact etc and get a friend to drop you off so he can't get your car reg. Obv if he already knows all that you don't need to be so cautious.

 

[McstylisT]

There is no definitive answer or right answer Rob. Every single one of us is different and it works differently to each situation.

It fully depends on the you or the persons involved. How are the feelings towards this person ? If things are still hurting or there is still pain then it may leave those involved vulnerable emotionally. So you have no “Obligation” to allow a relationship at all. If you left that part of life in the past then maybe it’s best left there.
You don’t have to be rude, nasty or any of those things. You just have to be honest and say what has happened cannot be repaired. You move on with life.


Or you be a believer in second chances. Possibly it’s taken all this bad stuff for him to realise what’s really important .? Many people are like this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But impossible to predict.
But if you do allow a second chance it’s him that needs to put the work in, not everyone else. It down to him to “prove” that he is sorry and try his best to show that. I have seen people change and become good people. So it can happen.

The main thing is you protect yourselves. You were the victims of the situation. So make sure you all are comfortable with every decision and be honest with what you feel.

It’s a process and it will take time.

I hope it all works out. Regards.