Have I saved enough money...

[413x]

I'll spell it out. You need a purpose that transcends yourself, your individual experiences and material possessions. Hiking and holidays ain't gonna cut it my brother. You know this because you've run that experiment and you are still left with a hole in your soul that you can't stand.

You need children. You don't want them (yet) but you sure as hell need them. Almost everyone does. It's not your fault that it's difficult to come to terms with this, you have been programmed to think that they're optional, when they really aren't for the vast, vast majority. What will be your fault, is if you continue to ignore the blaring "meaning" alarm bells that your soul is sounding, continue to attempt to fill the hole inside you with frankly hollow items, only to end up feeling the same a couple more decades down the line. Older, lonelier, with less energy and less options. Yes, you may not believe yourself to be "fit" for it as you are, and this will mean you will have to change. This is the entire point. Think about the kind of person you will have to become to be a good parent. Truly, the greatest value in life is not in what you possess, it is in what you become.

For me this is very much not the case.
My difficulties in life are being tied down by the normal life things

As much as love my dog.. He is a bind.

Its as close a simulation for kids as you can get. I would do anything for him. I have 15k saved up just incase his medical. Issues require that cash to help him.
But. I know he's a bind. It's harder to go on holiday, to leave the normal day to day life.
Imagine if I had kids, and they had the same. Issues. That's even more of a bind.

Also. From my family experience kids do not make things better. I've seen my family torn apart by inheritance fighting. My uncle talk about my grandad in same room dementia in a quite frankly disgusting way.

Its a gamble that I don't think I'd like the outcome of. I would also make a terrible parent. I'm disorganised, I have mental health (depression/anxiety type symptoms) that would make kids even harder. I'd also end up passing this onto them.

I don't want to bring kids into this world. But I absolutely don't want to bring kids into this world, be a bad parent and end up basically failing at such an important task.

I am happiest when I'm outdoors exploring/experiencing things. This is obviously incompatible with kids for a long time. If ever.


All Signs point to this being bad.
It would be irresponsible at best for me to think kids could fix this issue.

 

[Ayahuasca]

I didn't say they were a magic cure. I said he needed them, specific advice for a specific person, although I do think it applies to the majority of cases. I don't mean to shrink anyone's head too much but if you pay any attention you'll see that not having kids is something of a personality trait, it's far from a small deal, it's at the front of his mind. Something about it itches.

But why does he need them? It's quite possible that it would add to the problems he already has, considering how difficult it is, and from what I've read it's basically a no-go with his current partner, who also has health problems.

Of course there are parents of varying quality, but I don't think "deadbeat" parents are conservative, searching for meaning, self reflecting and looking to change. In terms of "but it doesn't fix for some", I suppose we shouldn't advise most people to eat right and exercise because some end up with bosh dysmorphia and eating disorders? See where this line of "not all though!" thought goes? Ultimately people are kind to a fault nowadays, erring on the wide of confrontation avoidance vs hard conversations, allowing people to just float about in their own heads. I'm afraid someone, sometimes, needs to say these things.

The analogy of eating right and exercising is nice and all, but they'd only really be affecting themselves if they ended up with body dysmorphia or an eating disorder. It's a bit different than bringing a child into the world and then finding out that it's exacerbating the problems you had or you've just stayed the same and have even less energy for life and it's no longer just you that you have to be able to take care of.

Not aware of the health issues but ref: not wanting to do something because of risks, yeah that's a perspefte, but sometimes an ommision is a greater risk than an act. Only individuals can know that really. My point of negative emotion aversion from the "buying decisions" thread applies here.

He's shared a lot about his and his partner's health challenges here. If there's even a suspicion that something like depression is involved, it needs to be addressed before considering having a child. While I generally support taking risks, having children as a way to potentially solve personal issues isn't one of them.

 

[Zefan]

I think you find temporary happiness in escapism and you have unhealed childhood trauma, and internally present challenges as insurmountable obstacles due to cognitive dissonance. I think you should embrace the things that scare you the most, overcome your challenges, pursue meaning and establish purpose.

 

[Zefan]

While I generally support taking risks, having children as a way to potentially solve personal issues isn't one of them.

You either missed or misunderstood the last part of my initial post. The point is to become more.

 

[Ayahuasca]

You either missed or misunderstood the last part of my initial post. The point is to become more.

I didn't miss it or misunderstand it, because there are enough examples to show that having a child doesn't necessarily make a person become more. Some rise to the challenge and become more, some believe nothing has really changed and stay the same, some regress due to the toll it takes.

I think you find temporary happiness in escapism and you have unhealed childhood trauma, and internally present challenges as insurmountable obstacles due to cognitive dissonance.

If this is the case, he should seek professional help for mental health issues before even considering having a child.

 

[dlockers]

@Rotty are you going to delete everyone elses post who has suggested he seeks psych support? :S

 

[413x]

Have you tried writing a list of what you want? Do you know?

Do you know why you like travel so much? I mean, really know? Is it having the free time, seeing new places, or being on your own (sorry, but it's a valid question)? Or something else?

Could you take an extended sabbatical and see how time on your hands suits you?

Best wishes- I really do hope you can resolve this one, as this seems to be a fairly regular topic of yours.

I love to explore.
New places. New things. New sights and sounds. And physical achievement.

I know when I'm at my happiest is when I'm on my kayak, on sea. It's sensory overload.
Seeing a sunset over the hills.

I love my mountain biking. It's fast paced, pure and risky. If I do a bigger drop than before.. I feel. I achieved.

Day to day life, work. Is so mundane. Thinking, planning, solutionising. You can't think like that on bike on a new trail. If you do, you crash. I don't get the reward of achieving via work.

I miss very much walking my dog out in this environment. He's now ill and can't do this and it's really impacted me and him. It was something we did every week at least. I still struggle with the change.

All these things are instinct, in the moment, in nature, exploring new places.
My brain natural loves to plan, hypothesise, worry. But it does me no good. When I'm doing the above things.. All that goes. Start to worry about x, y, z..you Crash on a mountain bike!

I had my best holiday ever this year in Greenland. Absolutely no phone signal for 6 days. On day 1 it was a bit "oh man, people are probably worrying if I'm OK.. How. Do. I get signal".
But once I accepted I couldnt each day was like living in the moment. Planned for the day, no further. Saw wildlife I've never seen before. A place that felt alien it was unbelievable.



In day to day life this doesn't really happen. Ie work, home, tv for evening. Going out to places for a meal, a pub. This is all labeled by my brain as "mundane" and memories of it fade. Same as how computer games no longer give me joy.



I do feel I know what I love. I don't really know how to do more of it, enough of it. I'm also aware can't just "go live in the wilderness" as it would quickly become unpleasant!
I take a loooong time to come to decision. Especially important ones like the stuff in this thread!

 

[zaniro]

As much as love my dog.. He is a bind.

Its as close a simulation for kids as you can get. I would do anything for him.

Dogs have the social intelligence of a toddler. As a side, I do find it odd how some people refer to their pets as their children and themselves as a parent. I appreciate you might not do that.

 

[413x]

@Rotty are you going to delete everyone elses post who has suggested he seeks psych support? :S

Its fine.
I actually am having counselling for some specific issues around anxiety/depression.

Usually, I can keep these things controlled. Ie by going outdoors, making most of Weekends. But my dogs health and my assignment that "I am responsible for him" has been quite challenging this year.

This is probably my biggest tangible "kids Aren't for me" thing.

 

[413x]

Dogs have the social intelligence of a toddler. As a side, I do find it odd how some people refer to their pets as their children and themselves as a parent. I appreciate you might not do that.

I treat him like a child in that I am responsible, I'd do anything for him, and I love him differently to a partner/friend. It is unconditional.

I don't do anything weird. I wouldn't call him my child. But emotively.. He probably is.
losing him would probably ruin me for some time. It's why I didn't want a dog. Because I was worried it would be difficult.


He was a big help when I was ill. And we've spent a lot of time on adventures in past on hikes in the hills.
Now he's ill, and we can't do that.


I would do anything for him. No matter the cost. Although I know he's not a child. I also have never had a bond like this ever.

 

[413x]

Also.
Wtf.
I thought this thread would be a.

No 50k is not enough.. What are you thinking.
Or
50k.is plenty.. I would be comfortable not. Saving anymore.

 

[dlockers]

Also.
Wtf.
I thought this thread would be a.

No 50k is not enough.. What are you thinking.
Or
50k.is plenty.. I would be comfortable not. Saving anymore.

Does 50 exclude dog money?

How much is in your pension?

 

[413x]

But why does he need them? It's quite possible that it would add to the problems he already has, considering how difficult it is, and from what I've read it's basically a no-go with his current partner, who also has health problems.



The analogy of eating right and exercising is nice and all, but they'd only really be affecting themselves if they ended up with body dysmorphia or an eating disorder. It's a bit different than bringing a child into the world and then finding out that it's exacerbating the problems you had or you've just stayed the same and have even less energy for life and it's no longer just you that you have to be able to take care of.



He's shared a lot about his and his partner's health challenges here. If there's even a suspicion that something like depression is involved, it needs to be addressed before considering having a child. While I generally support taking risks, having children as a way to potentially solve personal issues isn't one of them.

You sum it up well.

With my issues and her issues, if either of us wanted kids I think both of us would have to be with someone different. Which makes me think it's a good thing both of us don't want kids.

There are so so many reasons we shouldnt.

I look at parents who I think are good Parents.
They are organised, efficient, like routine, mentally robust.
This is literally opposite of me and my partner. Probably both have Adhd.
I mean we even have a cleaner as we can't keep up with stuff.
Kids will make this worse. When you struggle with routine... You probably shouldn't be talking in kids.

 

[413x]

Does 50 exclude dog money?

How much is in your pension?

50k excludes dog money.
My pension is behind my ideal. But I believe on track for an OK target.
Its about at 90-100k but most of that is in last. 7 years. (due to salary increase).
I the very recent past I've moved it from the criminally bad default funds into something better. Which will also (hopefully) help long term.

Also plan to equity release eventually as well.

To be clear.. I would not stop investing into my pension!

 

[dlockers]

With my issues and her issues, if either of us wanted kids I think both of us would have to be with someone different.

This is the issue IMHO. You are with the wrong person, to be blunt.

I look at parents who I think are good Parents.
They are organised, efficient, like routine, mentally robust.
This is literally opposite of me and my partner. Probably both have Adhd.
I mean we even have a cleaner as we can't keep up with stuff.
Kids will make this worse. When you struggle with routine... You probably shouldn't be talking in kids.

Nawh, no more complicated than everything else in life and you can always chuck money at it (like cleaners)

 

[WARburton]

39

are you montage free? if not way do you have any savings at all.

my dad ones told me is you own 20k on your mortgage and you have 10k in savings... you should only own 10k on your mortgage.
apart from a small amount for emergency's if you have car finance or a mortgage you should be paying the max you can on them before hitting a penalty charge

 

[413x]

This is the issue IMHO. You are with the wrong person, to be blunt.


Nawh, no more complicated than everything else in life and you can always chuck money at it (like cleaners)

It is possible. We have absolutely moved in different directions.
By far biggest part of that is health stuff. I know my partner would love to do more stuff with me. (not biking). But her health prevents it.

So as she goes more indoors (by force) and I find those things harder to enjoy so there is a hobbies wedge.

We have talked a lot. About important stuff. And we both put effort into the relationship. Which is obviously mega important.
But it isn't easy. Physical hurdles. Mental hurdles (on both sides).

But if you leave someone due to what is basically medical at root.. You probably shouldn't be in a relationship at all right?

 

[413x]

are you montage free? if not way do you have any savings at all.

my dad ones told me is you own 20k on your mortgage and you have 10k in savings... you should only own 10k on your mortgage.
apart from a small amount for emergency's if you have car finance or a mortgage you should be paying the max you can on them before hitting a penalty charge

No this is bad advice.
The return on savings is higher at the moment than my mortgage. So it makes no sense to pay off mortgage.

A lot of people make this mistake.

 

[WARburton]

No this is bad advice.
The return on savings is higher at the moment than my mortgage. So it makes no sense to pay off mortgage.

A lot of people make this mistake.

TBF i was told this years ago ahaha, i assumed it still played true.

but surely paying it off would be you more funds at save

 

[413x]

TBF i was told this years ago ahaha, i assumed it still played true.

but surely paying it off would be you more funds at save

So basically you should put your money against the highest interest rate.
So if savings are earning 5pc and mortgage is 2 percent you should put it into those savings.

Throw in a good global etf can return (let's say) 10 percent over long term.. That's place for most of the funds.