Soldato
Man. Some heavy **** in here eh?
@413x We have lots of parallels. Similar age (37), with a partner with long term medical stuff (mental health mostly for mine), spend a lot of time e questioning ourselves and our path/decisions etc. I spent the majority of 10 years wondering if I should move on from my partner when her health was bad, or I wasn't sure if we wanted different things. She's quite set on no kids, I'd love them but not sure I'll ever get my **** together enough to do it (diagnosed ADHD around age 33). And time is moving on.
That said, most of my worry was big existential stuff like kids, salary/long term finances, fighting myself about life decisions. Since we bought a house together things have shifted a lot - I've accepted that we are happy TODAY even if that means a lot of sofa time and "unproductive" time. I'm largely burned out from work and/or demotivated by the slow pace of house renovation. So I think I'm chronically depressed but happy today, on the moment. Something fell into place though: I've finally accepted that if I'm happy with my partner right now then this is Plan A. And if Plan A means no kids then I suddenly have 20 more years to fit all my life in. I'm not in a hurry to do it all now. I may regret being so lazy later, but feeling happy for today is so valuable because I really wasn't for years. I spent all my energy grinding away to achieve something at work and worrying about if my partner was the right person.
I see you doing this a lot too, the existential dread. Honestly I think a lot of your hobbies could be escapism. If you really do just love nature, the outdoors and physical activity that's great. I really don't care for them and I see you as someone who's more motivated and driven to immerse yourself in your interests than me. But I'd worry whether you're just trying to throw yourself into those activities that occupy your mind and stop you spiralling in worry. Taking your mind off your worries isn't the same as accepting the situation and learning to be happy in it.
Maybe you really do just love your own company, or even dislike people. If so you'll have to embrace that and build a life where you live an unconventional way but you're content. However mostly, people need to be around people and we're social animals. We need each other.
In terms of whether your bank balance is right or wrong... I was raised in a council flat on benefits, I've been homeless, I've been in debt using a credit card to buy groceries while I earn just enough for rent. I've worked my arse off at uni and 2 jobs and now, I've got a salaried job and own a home but still drive a 20 year old car and wear shoes with holes in. You simply won't get a single answer about money because some people haven't got a clue what being broke or poor feels like. Other people won't ever know what financial security feels like, and others still have a middle ground where they're stable but won't ever "own" anything of lasting value.
50k was the point at which I stopped bothering to save because it was an immense amount of cash at the time. This was before I bought a house and I more or less figured that reaching 50k was an achievement (7 years starting with student loan aged 27) and I wasn't likely to hit another milestone. Spent it all on house deposit and now am building back up a buffer. I have no interest in having more in the bank than I need for all eventualities - emergencies, house improvement, that's about it.
You need to look inside, no one is going to answer the questions you have inside you. I know you want an answer but they don't exist out here.
@413x We have lots of parallels. Similar age (37), with a partner with long term medical stuff (mental health mostly for mine), spend a lot of time e questioning ourselves and our path/decisions etc. I spent the majority of 10 years wondering if I should move on from my partner when her health was bad, or I wasn't sure if we wanted different things. She's quite set on no kids, I'd love them but not sure I'll ever get my **** together enough to do it (diagnosed ADHD around age 33). And time is moving on.
That said, most of my worry was big existential stuff like kids, salary/long term finances, fighting myself about life decisions. Since we bought a house together things have shifted a lot - I've accepted that we are happy TODAY even if that means a lot of sofa time and "unproductive" time. I'm largely burned out from work and/or demotivated by the slow pace of house renovation. So I think I'm chronically depressed but happy today, on the moment. Something fell into place though: I've finally accepted that if I'm happy with my partner right now then this is Plan A. And if Plan A means no kids then I suddenly have 20 more years to fit all my life in. I'm not in a hurry to do it all now. I may regret being so lazy later, but feeling happy for today is so valuable because I really wasn't for years. I spent all my energy grinding away to achieve something at work and worrying about if my partner was the right person.
I see you doing this a lot too, the existential dread. Honestly I think a lot of your hobbies could be escapism. If you really do just love nature, the outdoors and physical activity that's great. I really don't care for them and I see you as someone who's more motivated and driven to immerse yourself in your interests than me. But I'd worry whether you're just trying to throw yourself into those activities that occupy your mind and stop you spiralling in worry. Taking your mind off your worries isn't the same as accepting the situation and learning to be happy in it.
Maybe you really do just love your own company, or even dislike people. If so you'll have to embrace that and build a life where you live an unconventional way but you're content. However mostly, people need to be around people and we're social animals. We need each other.
In terms of whether your bank balance is right or wrong... I was raised in a council flat on benefits, I've been homeless, I've been in debt using a credit card to buy groceries while I earn just enough for rent. I've worked my arse off at uni and 2 jobs and now, I've got a salaried job and own a home but still drive a 20 year old car and wear shoes with holes in. You simply won't get a single answer about money because some people haven't got a clue what being broke or poor feels like. Other people won't ever know what financial security feels like, and others still have a middle ground where they're stable but won't ever "own" anything of lasting value.
50k was the point at which I stopped bothering to save because it was an immense amount of cash at the time. This was before I bought a house and I more or less figured that reaching 50k was an achievement (7 years starting with student loan aged 27) and I wasn't likely to hit another milestone. Spent it all on house deposit and now am building back up a buffer. I have no interest in having more in the bank than I need for all eventualities - emergencies, house improvement, that's about it.
You need to look inside, no one is going to answer the questions you have inside you. I know you want an answer but they don't exist out here.
)
