How to resolve this? (I think my heads broke)

cyKey

cyKey

cyKey

Soldato
Joined
18 Oct 2002
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9,814
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Nr. Liverpewl
I'm not good at confronting people but I feel that I need to get closure on this situation or I'm just going to be stuck in the past bouncing it around my head. Here's the info;

Friday night and my mate rings inviting me to go see Wallace and Gromit (yes this is how long I've left this). I explained that i don't like to goto the cinema much as people annoy me too much for me to enjoy the film. I get very agitated and wound up with irritating habbits like nail biting, eating with your mouth open and such. I said i want to be a good friend so i'll do my best. I had told him that another mate and i wanted to go see Serenity to which he said he had no problem going to the cinema 2 nights in a row. So on the idea what we were going to see Serenity the next night I thought it only fair to go see his film on the Fridy night. So we went to see wallace and gromit and i did have issues. We're leaving the cinema and i was a bit stressed and making my usual attempt at comedy jokes about passers by when he snaps at me and proceeds to have a go at me all the way home. I assume he thought something like tough love would make me snap outa my silly games. He was clearly annoyed and I told him that it was good that he felt how I felt for once.

Anyway, i spend the night feeling like completely depressed as i tried to get over things and i just felt like i would always be this way. I was really broken up. The next morning came and i put it behind me and invited my 2 mates to a gig. After the gig we went to get food and i had very low blood sugar. I needed something to eat but the guy from the previous night wanted to go to some fancy bar and look at women. I was rather very annoyed. I was only out of hospital for 4 weeks after my gall bladder operation and I was very very low on blood sugar. I kept telling him that I could black out at any moment. We tried one bar who said they weren't serving food anymore and I said lets just goto BK. He was very angry at my suggestion. BK being next door and me needing anything quickly. Eventually we found a place to eat and he bought me a coke. It may not seem like much but I haven't touched the stuff in like 4 years due to migranes. He knows that, or at least he should know that since we've been friends for 15 years. Then he suggested we go around the bars in liverpool. On any other night I would be up for that. I'm a music photographer so that *is* what I do. However that night I really felt like everything had been thrown back into my face. No mention of going to the cinema, no "oh yer you just came outa hospital lets get you some food" or anything. Just my mate being manipulative. As soon as we were in Liverpool city center and he had the opportunity to go clubbing he took it. He used to ring me up a lot and try to get me to go out. He would say anything and twist anything I said to get me there. I have however changed since those days I do enjoy going out. When I look back on a lot of things he says he often manipulates things and says anything to get his way. After we left the resturant I just dragged behind my mates. I knew I should have just walked off to my car and drove home but I lacked the confidence to really have a go at the guy. That made me more depressed than angry so I just sulked for the rest of the night while we walked around some bars.

I just couldn't be bothered arguing with him. He wouldn't understand, he never does. On our way home he asked my other mate for his mobile number which to me felt like he was saying "Pete's a dead loss, but if you gimme your number we'll hang out". Its been nearly 4 months and I haven't seen either of them. I know exactly what my mate is thinking. He thinks I just didn't want to go around Liverpool and wanted to stay home playing games. Its not like that at all. I'm off out this evening to a bar and Thursday and etc. I just felt like I was stuck in the ocean trying desperately to paddle towards the shore when I saw a hand that I thought was going to help and instead burst my boat. I do miss hanging out with them and it would be nice to have some company at gigs.

The thing is that even if I did fix this situation I would still have a very big issue with him and thats his habbits. Both him and my Dad are the same in that they are incredibly irritating. My mate often jiggles his legs up and down, rubs his hands ALL day, bites his nails, takes his watch off to fiddle with it, spins his foot, eats/talks with his mouth full, and various other stupid things that shouldn't bother me but do. My Dad's the same. He often talks to me while fiddling with his pocket change. How am I supposed to concentrate with that distraction? So hanging out with my mate and then coming home makes me very on edge waiting for the next stupid irritation to set me off. So even if I did sort one problem I would be stuck with the other. While we would hang out again I would just end up getting fustrated and I'd make stupid sarcastic comments.

So :D Any ideas where I should go from here? Don't say nut house ;) I feel like I want to shout at him and rub the fact that I'm going out to gigs weekly in his face. He totally missed out on seeing 35 bands in one week from this. He told me if I don't sort myself out that I'd loose friends. *He* did all this to me and do feel like I want him to feel like he's lost my friendship through this. But then I think about how other people are able to work out far worse things than this and move on. So... what should I do? Don't say go drinking :p
 
I get really annoyed at peoples habbits, it gets so bad that when people eat with their mouths open i leave the room i get really worked up. I've found that people who don't understand or see when i need something (i have low blood pressure and sometimes blackout if i don't eat or drink when i feel dizzy) really aren't very good friends. Friends shouldn't really try to make you do anything you don't want to and have every right to tell your mate he's out of order.
 
I think you should focus on why you are getting so annoyed/depressed about tiny, insignificant things (eg fiddling with change while talking to you...) and work on it. It sounds to me like you are getting irritated over the slightest things...which isn't normal - maybe you should try to get past those issues and then you would get on better with your mate/dad?

Your mate may have been a little pushy but you're a grown man - stand up for yourself! Don't do anything you don't want to do - just let your mate know and explain to him, you don't need to follow him around. I'm sure he'll respect you a lot more if you were more assertive and didn't go in a sulk for most of the evening.
 
i can understand what you mean about the cinemas, theres nothing worse than paying to watch a film only to have someone ruin it by breathing loudly, coughing or rustling sweet bags. Not to mention that every 10 mins you'll see that little blue light out of the corner of your eye as some retard checks his damn mobile phone!! I once made the mistake of going on a Wednesday when all the cheap idiots make the most of their Orange deal.

Theres 2 things you need to do:

1) Learn to vocalise how you feel when you feel it. Nothing worse than thinking "oh i wish id said this" and knowing you'll never be able to.

2) Dump this idiot. I bet hes the sort of yob thats think getting his backside out in public is funny. He's not a mate at all, get a few other mates together and go out to where ever he goes, get drunk and have a laugh. When he sees you say Hi but act like you dont care.
 
Morba said:
get over it
Click to expand...

I think this is actually quite accurate.

Whilst he was a bit out, noones perfect. He was manipulating you? Getting his own way? He was trying to get you to come out, because you were a mate, and he wanted you out with him.

As for things like that annoying you, I'm afraid that's your problem, no one elses. Yes, eating with your mouth full is disgusting, but plenty of people jiggle their legs, fiddle with stuff e.t.c You can't really expect people to understand your agitation at them playing with their change, I mean really. How can you concentrate? It's a conversation, not an exam.

If you miss him, give him a ring and ask to do something. If you don't, just don't bother and go and do something that makes you happy :)

Ant :cool:
 
I hate people eating with their mouths open too but the things like loose change or fiddling with watches is nothing, tbh you need to sort yourself out. You get annoyed over stupid little things and tbh it's a little pathetic.

With your friends though, just get back in contact and talk, plain and simple. If he suggests 'this' is why you fell out, then explain that he was being inconsiderate - you'd just got out of hospital, play it subtly. Genuinally though, if the guy can't understand that - he's not worth being friends with.
 
It does sound like you have a little bit of a problem regarding peoples little habits.

No doubt you're getting annoyed at the same repeat sentences, too ;) :p. But work on it and try to let it grow out of you; because it does sound quite bad to be honest.

Phil.
 
I'm on my pda so a quick reply. Habbits have been annoying me for like 5 years. I'm trying to solve it but I have no idea how to. I'm telling people off for doing them as I think its the feeling of being unable to sort it thats the problem. It really is too hard to concentrate sometimes. It winds me up so much I feel like I have to break something. God knows why and I hate being unable to relax around friends of 15 years. As for my manipulative mate. He's came up with excuses to walk through dodgy parts of town in the opposite way to the pub claiming he knows the way when clearly he wants to stalk some girl. Speaking of the girl, I met her recently and she did (jokingly?) say he stalked her. Hmmmm. Oh its not you DRZ :p. Oh a good example is why Homer hangs out with Ned doing good things and Ned snaps at him in church for breathing through his nose. I feel like that a lot but unable to do anything.
 
'Get over it' is probably the best post here. There are definitely some issues here mate, and in m opinion they aren't with him they are with you. You sum it up perfectly with ' *He* told me if I don't sort myself out that I'd loose (sic) friends '. To me, that sounds like something a true friend would say. Its blatant, its harsh, but its true. However, you aren't willing to blame yourself only others. You seem very self centered in all of your assumptions. For isntance, your friend asking for your other friends phone number. Why do you assume he is rejecting you? Is ti not possible he maybe thought the other guy was a decent bloke? It wont be until you look on the inside that you might be able to sort out your problems on the outside.
 
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This sounds a lot like how I used to feel cyKey.

After rereading your post it sounds like you're on the same path I was. Not very self-confident or assertive, not saying anything at the time and avoiding confrontation, wishing I'd said something and getting wound up because I hadn't, and getting annoyed at niggles rather than at the real cause. This ended up with a three year period of depression which was probably the worst time of my life. Does this sound like you're in the same boat?

If so, then I really, really suggest you find the motivation from somewhere, anywhere, to deal with it, because it sounds like it's affecting your day-to-day life to a significant degree. And the bad news is it will continue to do this until you do something about it. The good news is that it means you can do something about it, it's not something that someone else is doing and therefore out of your control. Maybe you can't do it alone, but you alone can do it.

For your own sake dude don't just sit there and do nothing, do something positive whatever it is. Remember - people can only treat you like that if you allow them to. Tell yourself that you aren't going to put up with it, then tell them. And tell them in such a way that the message gets through. I find it helps to think of the result I want and then work backwards from that to decide on the best course of action.

Go for it. :)
 
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