How to stop being so immature/jealous

[sports_brah]

Depends, if your girl friend is going out all the time on the town with her mates?

I have no issue with her going out and having a good few drinks. If I thought she could not be trusted to go out and have some drinks, then that would be a complete no go relationship wise!

 

[HAz]

So she should stay at home doing crotchet and iron like a good little woman?

And ..?

It maybe the cause of his insecurity's?

 

[Haggisman]

The issue I have is that I have a view to things in the long term, and the last thing I'd want would be to develop things with this girl and to be found incompatible , which would be bad for both me and her.

So you have a choice.

Make the best of the relationship now, don't sabotage it by pushing her away due to not trusting her, and find out down the line whether it a) works or b) doesn't work.

Or

Don't trust her, she gets fed up with constantly being accused of/thought of as a cheat, and breaks up with you.

The only way to know if you're "compatible" is to stick it out, there's no magic way of knowing in advance - but I can tell you now, if you don't trust her, it doesn't matter how compatible you are, it wont work.

Basically the premise is this:

I like her enormously and would seriously consider taking things further. And whilst I know she likes me enormously as well, I've got a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that she has qualms about something. What it is I'm not sure.

So you don't trust her.

If they were just friends, why would I care? I don't see an issue with a girl having friends that are boys. However as stated I'm not sure to what their previous relationship status was.

It doesn't matter what their previous relationship status was. You either trust her or you don't.

 

[dunn2010]

what i neeed to know is. has she done anything in past to have you not trust her? either with you or with someone else you know about?

does she have a rep for being untrustworthy?

does she know you don't trust her? do you ever say anything when these thoughts enter your head about where she is and who shes with?

If shes done nothing to lose your trust either now or in past, and you do cause any sorts of arguements etc because of your own insecuritys you won't last long with her. If anything you will push her away from you and actually make her more likely to split / cheat.

again if shes done nothing to lose your trust, Trust her completely or leave her. and everytime i silly thought enters your head bunch yourself in the testicles and tell yourself your stupid.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

The issue I have is that I have a view to things in the long term, and the last thing I'd want would be to develop things with this girl and to be found incompatible , which would be bad for both me and her.

What does this mean? You have 'a view'?

Basically the premise is this:

Let's do this thing!

I like her enormously and would seriously consider taking things further.

than? Um?

And whilst I know she likes me enormously as well, I've got a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that she has qualms about something. What it is I'm not sure.

Are you dating or ******* or whatever or are you just friends? I'm not sure I understand what the relationship is or even if there is one. I don't think there is one.

And we're both in our 20's.

Well, that's better than 16 I suppose.

You'll meet other, better girls who are more suited to you and it's fine that you think I'm being an ass or I don't understand ~ YOUR PROBLEMS ~ but you will, regardless. And you'll ignore this advice ("some guy I don't know on a computer forum!") and that's fine.

Work on yourself. Spend some time with yourself and work out what you want.

 

[Theophany]

So she should stay at home doing crotchet and iron like a good little woman?

That's a rhetorical question, right?

 

[sports_brah]

So you have a choice.

Make the best of the relationship now, don't sabotage it by pushing her away due to not trusting her, and find out down the line whether it a) works or b) doesn't work.

Or

Don't trust her, she gets fed up with constantly being accused of/thought of as a cheat, and breaks up with you.

The only way to know if you're "compatible" is to stick it out, there's no magic way of knowing in advance - but I can tell you now, if you don't trust her, it doesn't matter how compatible you are, it wont work.



So you don't trust her.



It doesn't matter what their previous relationship status was. You either trust her or you don't.

So you have a choice.

Make the best of the relationship now, don't sabotage it by pushing her away due to not trusting her, and find out down the line whether it a) works or b) doesn't work.

Or

Don't trust her, she gets fed up with constantly being accused of/thought of as a cheat, and breaks up with you.

The only way to know if you're "compatible" is to stick it out, there's no magic way of knowing in advance - but I can tell you now, if you don't trust her, it doesn't matter how compatible you are, it wont work.



So you don't trust her.



It doesn't matter what their previous relationship status was. You either trust her or you don't.

Harsh words, but there is an element of truth. Certainly insecurity and lack of trust has no place in a happy relationship.

I don't think it's cheating necessarily, more a different mindset.


I think you are right about giving it a go, taking steps forwards and seeing how it goes. I will try to be more upbeat and positive around her.

 

[sports_brah]

What does this mean? You have 'a view'?

Let's do this thing!

than? Um?

Are you dating or ******* or whatever or are you just friends? I'm not sure I understand what the relationship is or even if there is one. I don't think there is one.

Well, that's better than 16 I suppose.

You'll meet other, better girls who are more suited to you and it's fine that you think I'm being an ass or I don't understand ~ YOUR PROBLEMS ~ but you will, regardless. And you'll ignore this advice ("some guy I don't know on a computer forum!") and that's fine.

Work on yourself. Spend some time with yourself and work out what you want.

We're dating, as in a formal relationship.

I'm happy to listen to advice as it helps me to form opinions and consider viewpoints that I might not have thought of otherwise.


When you say work with yourself, what did you have in mind? I'm conscious that I'm at the stage in life where choices start to have longer term effects.

 

[gillywibble]

Have you thought about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

It is recognised as being the best method for dealing with dysfunctional emotions.

 

[Smigly]

I find it strange that you would want to take things further than boyfriend/girlfriend but you have never once yet said you love her, only that you "really like her".

 

[elmarko]

So you reckon I'm not a particularly trusting individual? How does one go about changing that?

Simply acknowledging two facts.

1. If they are going to cheat on you or leave you - they will find a way of doing it, you can't stop it.

2. Being jealous & controlling will likely cause them to do the above.

Once you have accepted these facts you understand that if you really want to stop them cheating on you just have to be a great partner, if they still do - then well, it's their failing not yours & you should find somebody better.

Trust is meaningless, they either do it or they don't - no point worrying about something in reality you have no control over.

Edit - to add a final point.

If you are jealous for no reason, read the above - if you are jealous for good reason (she is intentionally trying to make you jealous - get rid)

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

We're dating, as in a formal relationship.

I'm happy to listen to advice as it helps me to form opinions and consider viewpoints that I might not have thought of otherwise.


When you say work with yourself, what did you have in mind? I'm conscious that I'm at the stage in life where choices start to have longer term effects.

Do either of you take medical guidance on anything?

 

[Haggisman]

Simply acknowledging two facts.

1. If they are going to cheat on you or leave you - they will find a way of doing it, you can't stop it.

2. Being jealous & controlling will likely cause them to do the above.

Once you have accepted these facts you understand that if you really want to stop them cheating on you just have to be a great partner, if they still do - then well, it's their failing not yours & you should find somebody better.

Nail and head are in alignment!

Also have a read about confirmation bias and apophenia (you don't trust her so you see "signs" that she's untrustworthy).

 

[Judgeneo]

I find it strange that you would want to take things further than boyfriend/girlfriend but you have never once yet said you love her, only that you "really like her".

This.


We've established you don't really trust her, do you trust yourself?

\deep

 

[dunn2010]

Its becoming more apparant you take life far too seriously as long as you have air in your lungs who gives a **** what else happens. you said you are in your early twenties this is prime time to be making every mistake you posbbily can in life and learn from them as you have all the time in the world to bounce back from them.

how long you been together?

Don't rush anything you have plenty of time.

1. If they are going to cheat on you or leave you - they will find a way of doing it, you can't stop it.

2. Being jealous & controlling will likely cause them to do the above.

+1

 

[sports_brah]

Simply acknowledging two facts.

1. If they are going to cheat on you or leave you - they will find a way of doing it, you can't stop it.

2. Being jealous & controlling will likely cause them to do the above.

Once you have accepted these facts you understand that if you really want to stop them cheating on you just have to be a great partner, if they still do - then well, it's their failing not yours & you should find somebody better.

Trust is meaningless, they either do it or they don't - no point worrying about something in reality you have no control over.

Edit - to add a final point.

If you are jealous for no reason, read the above - if you are jealous for good reason (she is intentionally trying to make you jealous - get rid)

This is wonderful advice, like two pieces of wood carefully dove tailing together!

Thank you.

Do either of you take medical guidance on anything?

Eh?

Its becoming more apparant you take life far too seriously as long as you have air in your lungs who gives a **** what else happens. you said you are in your early twenties this is prime time to be making every mistake you posbbily can in life and learn from them as you have all the time in the world to bounce back from them.

how long you been together?

Don't rush anything you have plenty of time.

+1

We all place different values on things.

 

[kitch9]

I realise this is a bit of a immature post, but I want to get over myself in the new year.

Basically the question is; how do I grow as a person to be more secure in myself and stop being so jealous about my girlfriend?

An understandable question maybe if I was 17, But I'm in my early 20's....

The reason you are jealous is because in your mind you think your GF is inclined to boff any bloke who comes near her.

The irony is that your jealous behaviour will probably drive her to do that, even if she wasn't inclined to in the first place, which puts you at the place you were worrying about getting to in the first place and it was totally your fault.

So in short, if you want her to do the things you are jealous about crack on, otherwise start to trust her. Trust is a funny thing, because she may stray anyway, but at least you haven't caused it by being a moron, and something else being wrong in your relationship has, which at the end of the day is all this stuff boils down to.

If your relationship was happy and good, chances are you'll stick together, if it has problems you'll either split up, sort them, or completely **** it up by straying. Whatever way, you aren't going to marry that one, so deal with it and move on to the next one.

 

[dunn2010]

you didn't answer my question on first page

ahs your girlfriend ever done antyhing with you or any of her past partners you know about that would deem her untrustworthy?

we need to get the full picture here. Have you ever done anything untrustworthy with a past partner which is leading you to be mistrusting of others?

 

[sports_brah]

you didn't answer my question on first page

ahs your girlfriend ever done antyhing with you or any of her past partners you know about that would deem her untrustworthy?

we need to get the full picture here. Have you ever done anything untrustworthy with a past partner which is leading you to be mistrusting of others?

I have never done anything of the kind no. It's a cardinal rule of being a civilised person.

With her, not as such, though I know her past to be slightly chequered. I don't know much about it and I don't want to.

 

[dunn2010]

Then trust her completely, if you want it to go further and you want it to work out its what you have to do.

if she is going to cheat she will and you will eventually find out. if she tells you shes going to hang out with an old friend you say ok have fun. then any thoughts that enter your head keep them to yourself and just tell yourself , you trust her.

At the end of the day you asked her out, she said yes. she obviously likes you for some reason or another and obviously wants a relationship with you. you have nothing to be insecure about , she likes you for you and who you are. that should be enough for you?