It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:03

Hello my friends, it's time again for uncle Von to sort out any of life's problems you may have. Post away your blues and I will take 'em away for you.

( Warning, Engelbert Von Smallhausen does not accept responsibility for any answers that go **** up, network coverage and availability may vary, see packs of Shreddies for details )

lets go !!

RomeoS · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:04

Hardware problems?

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:23

^^

No, normal problems. The rumour is I posted on the wrong forum...... all lies I tell you, erm......

Feek · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:25

I keep wearing through my socks, for some reason they seem to go around the big toe on my right foot.

K.

cleanbluesky · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:28

My mum makes me live under the stairs and throws pig entrails at me for food. She calls me a bad woman and tells me that no-one will ever love me.

Sort that one Von...

Exorcist · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:30

im afraid im on a rebound

but i really like the girl im on a rebound with

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:30

Then your big toe is too big Feek. You know what they say.... big toe.... likes guns.

Simple solution, tie 2 ice cubes to your big toe and then once frozen and pain free, take a Ruger Redhawk .44, point at the toe and pull the trigger. Hey presto, smaller big toe and more sock friendly. Make sure you are not wearing socks when you do this as it would be a waste.

Piggymon · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:32

Dear Uncle Von ,

I keep slapping people , I can't help it I just get these urges and I can't stop myself

HELP !

*SLAAAAAAAAP!!*

See ?! .. what's a Piggy to do ?

Garp · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:34

cleanbluesky said:
My mum makes me live under the stairs and throws pig entrails at me for food. She calls me a bad woman and tells me that no-one will ever love me.

Sort that one Von...

Cook her some lovely Budellacci from the pigs entrails. Guaranteed to win her over.

Feek · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:35

Dear Uncle Von.

Thanks for your previous advice. I now have a further problem.

I don't have a Ruger Redhawk .44, will a Ruger Old Army .45 do instead?

K.

(PS - Piggy, I prefer my version of the Piggyslap, the one where I got to do the slapping

)

VeNT · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:36

ok I have an issue.
I can't fit this 2 gig file on a floppy disk.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:36

cleanbluesky said:
My mum makes me live under the stairs and throws pig entrails at me for food. She calls me a bad woman and tells me that no-one will ever love me.

Sort that one Von...

I don't see the problem really. You get a free granny flat and free food. Some people would kill to be in your shoes. I am assuming the council tax for under the stairs is bottom rate ?

As for never finding love, you will never do so unless you have some sort of Ferrero Roche ambassador pig entrail party under the stairs. Only then, will you find a computer nerd whose main decision in life is whether Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard and whose skin is the colour of tipp-ex through not getting out much. I'm sure he will love you.

Von

Garp · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:36

Von.. I keep getting these painful slaps across the face whenever I'm out with a lady.. but I don't know what I'm doing wrong... can you help me at all?

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:37

Exorcist said:
im afraid im on a rebound

but i really like the girl im on a rebound with

Become a Mormon and you can happily, legally and morally have 2 birds on the go at once.

Even 3-4 if your mojo can take the strain......

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:40

Piggymon said:
Dear Uncle Von ,

I keep slapping people , I can't help it I just get these urges and I can't stop myself

HELP !

*SLAAAAAAAAP!!*

See ?! .. what's a Piggy to do ?

You worry too much Jaw.....err, I mean Piggy. Having being a recipient of 3 Piggy slaps, I can verify only the joy and cyber-redness they bring into my life.

Whats a Piggy do ?.............. carry on slapping !! :cool:

Piggymon · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:40

Feek said:
.

(PS - Piggy, I prefer my version of the Piggyslap, the one where I got to do the slapping )

I wonder why ?

Piggymon · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:41

Von Smallhausen said:
You worry too much Jaw.....err, I mean Piggy. Having being a recipient of 3 Piggy slaps, I can verify only the joy and cyber-redness they bring into my life.

Whats a Piggy do ?.............. carry on slapping !!

Well if Uncle Von says it's ok to carry on then carry on I will !

Oh and

*SLAAAAAAAAP !!!*

Takes your count up to 4

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:42

Garp said:
Von.. I keep getting these painful slaps across the face whenever I'm out with a lady.. but I don't know what I'm doing wrong... can you help me at all?

Well Garp, call me old fashioned, but you could always not say ' Have you seen me elephant trick ' and also talk to the lady and not her knockers.

Good place to start.

Also, ' Get your coat pet, you've pulled ' ???? Our survey says. URRR URRRR !

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:44

Piggymon said:
Well if Uncle Von says it's ok to carry on then carry on I will !

Oh and

*SLAAAAAAAAP !!!*

Takes your count up to 4

Whoo hoo and also cyber-ouch.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:45

Feek said:
Dear Uncle Von.
Thanks for your previous advice. I now have a further problem.
I don't have a Ruger Redhawk .44, will a Ruger Old Army .45 do instead?

That will suffice. If you need a Redhawk though, my mate big Ron at the pub could help out. In this instance, a .45 would do though.