It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:03

Hello my friends, it's time again for uncle Von to sort out any of life's problems you may have. Post away your blues and I will take 'em away for you.

( Warning, Engelbert Von Smallhausen does not accept responsibility for any answers that go **** up, network coverage and availability may vary, see packs of Shreddies for details )

lets go !!

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:23

^^

No, normal problems. The rumour is I posted on the wrong forum...... all lies I tell you, erm......

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:30

Then your big toe is too big Feek. You know what they say.... big toe.... likes guns.

Simple solution, tie 2 ice cubes to your big toe and then once frozen and pain free, take a Ruger Redhawk .44, point at the toe and pull the trigger. Hey presto, smaller big toe and more sock friendly. Make sure you are not wearing socks when you do this as it would be a waste.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:36

cleanbluesky said:
My mum makes me live under the stairs and throws pig entrails at me for food. She calls me a bad woman and tells me that no-one will ever love me.

Sort that one Von...

I don't see the problem really. You get a free granny flat and free food. Some people would kill to be in your shoes. I am assuming the council tax for under the stairs is bottom rate ?

As for never finding love, you will never do so unless you have some sort of Ferrero Roche ambassador pig entrail party under the stairs. Only then, will you find a computer nerd whose main decision in life is whether Captain Kirk is better than Captain Picard and whose skin is the colour of tipp-ex through not getting out much. I'm sure he will love you.

Von

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:37

Exorcist said:
im afraid im on a rebound

but i really like the girl im on a rebound with

Become a Mormon and you can happily, legally and morally have 2 birds on the go at once.

Even 3-4 if your mojo can take the strain......

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:40

Piggymon said:
Dear Uncle Von ,

I keep slapping people , I can't help it I just get these urges and I can't stop myself

HELP !

*SLAAAAAAAAP!!*

See ?! .. what's a Piggy to do ?

You worry too much Jaw.....err, I mean Piggy. Having being a recipient of 3 Piggy slaps, I can verify only the joy and cyber-redness they bring into my life.

Whats a Piggy do ?.............. carry on slapping !! :cool:

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:42

Garp said:
Von.. I keep getting these painful slaps across the face whenever I'm out with a lady.. but I don't know what I'm doing wrong... can you help me at all?

Well Garp, call me old fashioned, but you could always not say ' Have you seen me elephant trick ' and also talk to the lady and not her knockers.

Good place to start.

Also, ' Get your coat pet, you've pulled ' ???? Our survey says. URRR URRRR !

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:44

Piggymon said:
Well if Uncle Von says it's ok to carry on then carry on I will !

Oh and

*SLAAAAAAAAP !!!*

Takes your count up to 4

Whoo hoo and also cyber-ouch.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:45

Feek said:
Dear Uncle Von.
Thanks for your previous advice. I now have a further problem.
I don't have a Ruger Redhawk .44, will a Ruger Old Army .45 do instead?

That will suffice. If you need a Redhawk though, my mate big Ron at the pub could help out. In this instance, a .45 would do though.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:47

VeNT said:
ok I have an issue.
I can't fit this 2 gig file on a floppy disk.

The new way forward is gel. This is the new medium for storage. Place a small battery in some hair gel and connect your USB lead from the PC to the tub of gel and save away. This will without doubt work, erm, probably.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:51

Garp said:
(what do you do though when her knockers are her only attractive part )

Paint a face on them so you can do both.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 19:33

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von,

There is a girl I like at work but I don't know how to approach her. Once I worked up the courage to talk to her and all I could do was ask her "How dare you embarrass me?" and everyone heard me say it. I keep photocopying pictures of my navel and leaving them under her car windscreen wipers as a sign of affection. Once I followed her home and superglued her windows and doors shut and cut off her telephone.
I don't understand what more I can do to show her that I like her except perhaps pull out some teeth and send them to her in a lightly-scented manilla envelope - it will be romantic and mysterious as she will be able to see who her admirer is by making them smile...

Your advice please

Aww bless, and I though romanticism was dead. It seems to me that you are of the mindset that the way to a girls heart is through the rib cage with an axe, but I will try to help you. Leaving pictures of your navel will not work as up close, it can be confused with another part of the body, namely the [OMITTED FOR FEAR OF BEING BANNED] and this may not be the best way of charming the girl. You could always write ' I love you and follow you and watch you and want to be your loofah ' in dog poo on her front door. If this has no effect, then try ' If you go with anyone but me, I will kill you and him ' in pigs blood on the front of her house. If this does not work, then the girl must be frigid as a hypothermic penguin and is simply not worth chasing.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 19:37

stepp said:
dear uncle von,

I am attracted to budgies in a sexuall way. If i take one to meet my parents would that be classed as " normal"?

I think you are getting into a ' flap ' over nothing stepp my friend. We do live in a modern society and, believe it or not, the Conservatives have pledged today that, if elected, marriage between people and budgies will be made legal.

Given the incessant and complete babble that budgies come out with and taking into account the garish and loud colours they have, I am of the opinion that if you stick a Burberry cap on it then the parents will not know the difference between it and a ****ette.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:08

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von,
I am a long time reader, first time writer (previously illiterate) and I have a problem I would like your advice on...
I have an oversized member and I like small women... By small women I mean Barbie Dolls. Is there any hope for me, especially with my earhole fetish?
CBS

Hmm, if you had been at the other end of the spectrum and been able to
[ OMITTED ] an ants bum without touching the sides, then things would be ticketty boo.

If however, you have something that is more of a disability than a gift, then I am afraid you will have to lead a life of Barbie abstinance as you will no doubt cause much plastic warping should you try anything.

I am afraid that you have as much chance as living your life the way you want as the cat below has of not getting knacked.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:09

VeNT said:
Dear Antie Von,

I followed your advice but now both the battery and USB cable no longer work properly
should I of used a USB 1.1 or 2 cable?

Did I say hair gel ? I meant tooth whitening gel...... silly me !!!!

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:16

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I own the stationery company called 'Rapesco'. It was originally a bit of an in-joke at the expense of people who had been raped, but now that it has taken off I feel it is a silly name. I no longer feel it is appropriate and have already shelved the ideas I had about a Mobility "Rape Bus" for the elderly and the "Tape-n-Rape" sellotape but now my stationery is everywhere... What can I do?

John "Rape isn't funny unless you are raping a clown" Hommage

You will have to change your image and brand names. Spitroast is still on the up so why not use that name ?

SpitroastCo ? SpitroastBus and tape-n-Spit.

According to overpayed premiership players, the above is the way forward.

Von Smallhausen · 10 Apr 2005 at 00:11

Vicar said:
Dear Von,

I think I may have a fixation on sheep! I keep rustling them, but before selling them, I go out on a blaze of glory with the sheep in suspenders and me with a shotgun.... you know the worst bit, once I caught up with them in the field I have forgotten the wire brush!! its Blamo to the sheep... do you think I am normal or really should see the Doctor?

Sit down Shep...

Ahem.....

Why you are quite normal. Sheep. The look of innocence, the feel of lanolin soaked wool and the power trip of having a shotgun. Enjoy it mate and make sure that your wellies are high enough to place the rear legs in it so they don't get away. Don't forget the wire brush though mate, as you can scrape away the sheep scab and carry on. When the sheep complain you don't spend enough time with them, you can always sell them at the market and move on to the next one.

Don't feel baaaaad and enjoy it mate.

Von Smallhausen · 10 Apr 2005 at 01:50

fini said:
Dear Von,
I fell down and can't get up, please help.

fini

Why can't you get up ? Are you lazy ? Are you drunk ? Are you rotund to the point of making Santa look like Kate Moss ? Just pretend that you are lying on top of John Prescott and you will sharp jump up like a cat with a banger up it's hoop.

Von Smallhausen · 10 Apr 2005 at 01:59

ste_bla said:
Dear Von

I got my GF pregernant, moneys tight but shes one of those people who want a family what can i do? [apart from killing/dumping her]

No problem matey. Once the kid is born, sell him or her to a far eastern Nike factory sweatshop. The little ' un can then send back wages to pay for an extravagant lifestyle for you and the other half.

Von Smallhausen · 10 Apr 2005 at 16:56

DRZ said:
Dear Von,

I am EXCEPTIONALLY bored - so bored not even sleep can cure my boredom. I have attempted to get hundreds of UcUKers to send me text messages, but to no avail - what can I do to sort out my boredom?

Sorry for the late replies,I have a problem in that my PC power supply went pop this morning and I am using my trust laptopnright now. Enough of me though my friends..... I do not matter and you all do.

DRZ, you are a mess arn't you, but fear not as Uncle Von has an idea guaranteed to relieve your boredom and it will cost you less than a tenner.

Go to your nearest charity shop and get yourself an old Terry Thomas style smoking jacket, then go to a joke shop and get yourself a monocle and a plastic cigarette holder. Then all you need is a cravate, before slicking your hair back with vaseline. Then do the following, wearing the above.

Go to the roughest dodgiest pub in the roughest dogiest estate you know and walk casually into the bar. When the darts have stopped in mid-air, the 8 ball stops over the pocket and The Ace Of Spades scratches to a halt on the jukebox, casually say the following in the poshest accent you can muster.

' Good evening everyone, I will fight the hardest man in the bar this very instant. Who wants some ? Hmmm ? Hmmm ? '

Your boredom shall surely be then relieved, possibly at the expense of a fractured skull and your kneecaps, but the main problem would be solved.

Uncle Von