It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

Garp · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:46

Von Smallhausen said:
Well Garp, call me old fashioned, but you could always not say ' Have you seen me elephant trick ' and also talk to the lady and not her knockers.

Good place to start.

Also, ' Get your coat pet, you've pulled ' ???? Our survey says. URRR URRRR !

Ahh.. that must be it.
You know.. its so hard when the knockers are just there in front of your eyes. But okay, if you think it would be better I'll try and look at her face instead (what do you do though when her knockers are her only attractive part :confused:

)

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:47

VeNT said:
ok I have an issue.
I can't fit this 2 gig file on a floppy disk.

The new way forward is gel. This is the new medium for storage. Place a small battery in some hair gel and connect your USB lead from the PC to the tub of gel and save away. This will without doubt work, erm, probably.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:51

Garp said:
(what do you do though when her knockers are her only attractive part )

Paint a face on them so you can do both.

cleanbluesky · 9 Apr 2005 at 18:51

Dear Uncle Von,

There is a girl I like at work but I don't know how to approach her. Once I worked up the courage to talk to her and all I could do was ask her "How dare you embarrass me?" and everyone heard me say it. I keep photocopying pictures of my navel and leaving them under her car windscreen wipers as a sign of affection. Once I followed her home and superglued her windows and doors shut and cut off her telephone.
I don't understand what more I can do to show her that I like her except perhaps pull out some teeth and send them to her in a lightly-scented manilla envelope - it will be romantic and mysterious as she will be able to see who her admirer is by making them smile...

Your advice please

stepp · 9 Apr 2005 at 19:18

dear uncle von,

I am attracted to budgies in a sexuall way. If i take one to meet my parents would that be classed as " normal"?

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 19:33

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von,

There is a girl I like at work but I don't know how to approach her. Once I worked up the courage to talk to her and all I could do was ask her "How dare you embarrass me?" and everyone heard me say it. I keep photocopying pictures of my navel and leaving them under her car windscreen wipers as a sign of affection. Once I followed her home and superglued her windows and doors shut and cut off her telephone.
I don't understand what more I can do to show her that I like her except perhaps pull out some teeth and send them to her in a lightly-scented manilla envelope - it will be romantic and mysterious as she will be able to see who her admirer is by making them smile...

Your advice please

Aww bless, and I though romanticism was dead. It seems to me that you are of the mindset that the way to a girls heart is through the rib cage with an axe, but I will try to help you. Leaving pictures of your navel will not work as up close, it can be confused with another part of the body, namely the [OMITTED FOR FEAR OF BEING BANNED] and this may not be the best way of charming the girl. You could always write ' I love you and follow you and watch you and want to be your loofah ' in dog poo on her front door. If this has no effect, then try ' If you go with anyone but me, I will kill you and him ' in pigs blood on the front of her house. If this does not work, then the girl must be frigid as a hypothermic penguin and is simply not worth chasing.

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 19:37

stepp said:
dear uncle von,

I am attracted to budgies in a sexuall way. If i take one to meet my parents would that be classed as " normal"?

I think you are getting into a ' flap ' over nothing stepp my friend. We do live in a modern society and, believe it or not, the Conservatives have pledged today that, if elected, marriage between people and budgies will be made legal.

Given the incessant and complete babble that budgies come out with and taking into account the garish and loud colours they have, I am of the opinion that if you stick a Burberry cap on it then the parents will not know the difference between it and a ****ette.

cleanbluesky · 9 Apr 2005 at 19:53

Dear Uncle Von,

I am a long time reader, first time writer (previously illiterate) and I have a problem I would like your advice on...

I have an oversized member and I like small women... By small women I mean Barbie Dolls. Is there any hope for me, especially with my earhole fetish?

CBS

VeNT · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:02

Von Smallhausen said:
The new way forward is gel. This is the new medium for storage. Place a small battery in some hair gel and connect your USB lead from the PC to the tub of gel and save away. This will without doubt work, erm, probably.

Dear Antie Von,

I followed your advice but now both the battery and USB cable no longer work properly
should I of used a USB 1.1 or 2 cable?

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:08

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von,
I am a long time reader, first time writer (previously illiterate) and I have a problem I would like your advice on...
I have an oversized member and I like small women... By small women I mean Barbie Dolls. Is there any hope for me, especially with my earhole fetish?
CBS

Hmm, if you had been at the other end of the spectrum and been able to
[ OMITTED ] an ants bum without touching the sides, then things would be ticketty boo.

If however, you have something that is more of a disability than a gift, then I am afraid you will have to lead a life of Barbie abstinance as you will no doubt cause much plastic warping should you try anything.

I am afraid that you have as much chance as living your life the way you want as the cat below has of not getting knacked.

cleanbluesky · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:09

Dear Uncle Von,

I own the stationery company called 'Rapesco'. It was originally a bit of an in-joke at the expense of people who had been raped, but now that it has taken off I feel it is a silly name. I no longer feel it is appropriate and have already shelved the ideas I had about a Mobility "Rape Bus" for the elderly and the "Tape-n-Rape" sellotape but now my stationery is everywhere... What can I do?

John "Rape isn't funny unless you are raping a clown" Hommage

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:09

VeNT said:
Dear Antie Von,

I followed your advice but now both the battery and USB cable no longer work properly
should I of used a USB 1.1 or 2 cable?

Did I say hair gel ? I meant tooth whitening gel...... silly me !!!!

Von Smallhausen · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:16

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I own the stationery company called 'Rapesco'. It was originally a bit of an in-joke at the expense of people who had been raped, but now that it has taken off I feel it is a silly name. I no longer feel it is appropriate and have already shelved the ideas I had about a Mobility "Rape Bus" for the elderly and the "Tape-n-Rape" sellotape but now my stationery is everywhere... What can I do?

John "Rape isn't funny unless you are raping a clown" Hommage

You will have to change your image and brand names. Spitroast is still on the up so why not use that name ?

SpitroastCo ? SpitroastBus and tape-n-Spit.

According to overpayed premiership players, the above is the way forward.

pheebs · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:28

cleanbluesky said:
My mum makes me live under the stairs and throws pig entrails at me for food. She calls me a bad woman and tells me that no-one will ever love me.

Sort that one Von...

Sounds like you could be the next Harry Potter without knowing it!

Vicar · 9 Apr 2005 at 20:54

Dear Von,

I think I may have a fixation on sheep! I keep rustling them, but before selling them, I go out on a blaze of glory with the sheep in suspenders and me with a shotgun.... you know the worst bit, once I caught up with them in the field I have forgotten the wire brush!! its Blamo to the sheep... do you think I am normal or really should see the Doctor?

Sit down Shep...

Ahem.....

Von Smallhausen · 10 Apr 2005 at 00:11

Vicar said:
Dear Von,

I think I may have a fixation on sheep! I keep rustling them, but before selling them, I go out on a blaze of glory with the sheep in suspenders and me with a shotgun.... you know the worst bit, once I caught up with them in the field I have forgotten the wire brush!! its Blamo to the sheep... do you think I am normal or really should see the Doctor?

Sit down Shep...

Ahem.....

Why you are quite normal. Sheep. The look of innocence, the feel of lanolin soaked wool and the power trip of having a shotgun. Enjoy it mate and make sure that your wellies are high enough to place the rear legs in it so they don't get away. Don't forget the wire brush though mate, as you can scrape away the sheep scab and carry on. When the sheep complain you don't spend enough time with them, you can always sell them at the market and move on to the next one.

Don't feel baaaaad and enjoy it mate.

fini · 10 Apr 2005 at 00:27

Dear Von,
I fell down and can't get up, please help.

fini

Von Smallhausen · 10 Apr 2005 at 01:50

fini said:
Dear Von,
I fell down and can't get up, please help.

fini

Why can't you get up ? Are you lazy ? Are you drunk ? Are you rotund to the point of making Santa look like Kate Moss ? Just pretend that you are lying on top of John Prescott and you will sharp jump up like a cat with a banger up it's hoop.

ste_bla · 10 Apr 2005 at 01:55

Dear Von

I got my GF pregernant, moneys tight but shes one of those people who want a family what can i do? [apart from killing/dumping her]

DRZ · 10 Apr 2005 at 01:59

Dear Von,

I am EXCEPTIONALLY bored - so bored not even sleep can cure my boredom. I have attempted to get hundreds of UcUKers to send me text messages, but to no avail - what can I do to sort out my boredom?