It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

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ste_bla said:
Dear Von

I got my GF pregernant, moneys tight but shes one of those people who want a family what can i do? [apart from killing/dumping her]
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No problem matey. Once the kid is born, sell him or her to a far eastern Nike factory sweatshop. The little ' un can then send back wages to pay for an extravagant lifestyle for you and the other half.
 
Dear Uncle Von,

Where is Aunt Von? I hear rumours that she was murdered & her body was dumped in Lake Windemere.

Did you do it?
 
Dear Uncle Von.

When I was little I used to play this game with my sisters called 'Smell the perfume'. It involved me picking at my bum and then holding out my hand whilst my sisters chose a finger to 'smell the perfume' from. If there wasn't any 'perfume' on that finger then they would have to choose another finger until they got it right. I have this strange urge to play it on my girlfriend but something tells me this could be a mistake. What do you think :confused:

Also, when I'm in bed with my girlfriend I like to press my bum against her leg when she's sleeping and squeeze some cheese. I then gently waft the duvet with my feet and wait for the pong (or should I say perfume?) to ooze out from the top of the covers. She kinda starts talking in her sleep once she gets a smell of it and I end up having a little giggle to myself whilst this is going on. Am I immature :confused:

Please help :D :D
 
DRZ said:
Dear Von,

I am EXCEPTIONALLY bored - so bored not even sleep can cure my boredom. I have attempted to get hundreds of UcUKers to send me text messages, but to no avail - what can I do to sort out my boredom?
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Sorry for the late replies,I have a problem in that my PC power supply went pop this morning and I am using my trust laptopnright now. Enough of me though my friends..... I do not matter and you all do.

DRZ, you are a mess arn't you, but fear not as Uncle Von has an idea guaranteed to relieve your boredom and it will cost you less than a tenner.

Go to your nearest charity shop and get yourself an old Terry Thomas style smoking jacket, then go to a joke shop and get yourself a monocle and a plastic cigarette holder. Then all you need is a cravate, before slicking your hair back with vaseline. Then do the following, wearing the above.

Go to the roughest dodgiest pub in the roughest dogiest estate you know and walk casually into the bar. When the darts have stopped in mid-air, the 8 ball stops over the pocket and The Ace Of Spades scratches to a halt on the jukebox, casually say the following in the poshest accent you can muster.

' Good evening everyone, I will fight the hardest man in the bar this very instant. Who wants some ? Hmmm ? Hmmm ? '

Your boredom shall surely be then relieved, possibly at the expense of a fractured skull and your kneecaps, but the main problem would be solved.

Uncle Von
 
Treefrog said:
Dear Marje Von Proopshousen,

I keep getting the Hot Poodle Horn - what should I do?
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Shame on you Treefrog, won't somebody please think of the poodle here? If you feel ashamed by this and wish to cleanse yourself of such thoughts then every time the hot poodle horn, then think of Clare Short MP having a poo. Your horn shall surely then cease to function.

If you decide to continue your evil deed, then I shall expect a letter from the poodle asking my advice in the near future. Treefrogs and poodle's do not mix my friend.
 
Killerkebab said:
Dear Von, my friends seem to think drinking is fun. I don't like the taste of alcohol, nor the idea of a hangover, so what makes drinking worth it? Should I also do it?
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Aah KillerKebab, you have asked the million peseta question here ( about 18 quid ), and I feel that you should be enlightened.

Alcohol does not need to taste nice to have the desired effect. The hangover is a mere by-product, like breaking wind in essence.

We drink because it manages to make Maureen from BBC's Driving School look like Elizabeth Hurley or Elisha Cuthbert for those few precious hours until it wears off and for you then to realise what an ugly old boot you capped off with in the first place.

Is it worth it ? Yes. Should you do it ? Yes. I drink and look at the quality of my posts....... tremendous. Go forth and drink my young Kebab-O-Wan, but always remember to drink in moderation. Von Smallhausen cannot accept any responsibility for any incidents of vomiting in the street or the quality of a 20 stone tugboat you pull while under the affluence of incohol...... hic !!
 
sphen said:
Dear Uncle Von,

Where is Aunt Von? I hear rumours that she was murdered & her body was dumped in Lake Windemere.

Did you do it?
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I didn't do it. You can't prove I did it and if you suggest otherwise then I shall sue you for deformation of character ( on very shaky grounds )

Aunt Von told me she could swim, even after 2 bottles of whisky and 40 paracetamol tablets.......
 
Aliboy said:
Dear Uncle Von.

When I was little I used to play this game with my sisters called 'Smell the perfume'. It involved me picking at my bum and then holding out my hand whilst my sisters chose a finger to 'smell the perfume' from. If there wasn't any 'perfume' on that finger then they would have to choose another finger until they got it right. I have this strange urge to play it on my girlfriend but something tells me this could be a mistake. What do you think :confused:

Also, when I'm in bed with my girlfriend I like to press my bum against her leg when she's sleeping and squeeze some cheese. I then gently waft the duvet with my feet and wait for the pong (or should I say perfume?) to ooze out from the top of the covers. She kinda starts talking in her sleep once she gets a smell of it and I end up having a little giggle to myself whilst this is going on. Am I immature :confused:

Please help :D :D
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Hello Aliboy. It seems like only yesterday since I gave you your first problem answer involving witches and green poo. I see you are still a man in turmoil, but fear not as I, Engelbert Von Smallhausen, shall drag you through the darkness into the light, via a dirty pond and 3 holly bushes.....

You are quite normal in what you have done. Have we not all played that little prank on the girls at some point of our lives ? I know I havn't you dirty boy. I am sure that trainee Mrs Aliboy will find the funny side should you decide to give her the chimps dirty fingers, when I say funny, I mean after she has dumped ( HO HO..... PUN !! ) you and taken you to the cleaners ( to have your fingers cleaned and your sheets laundered )

I would be very wary the next time Mrs Aliboy offers to make you a cup of tea. You never know what lies beneath.

As for the perfume trick, try it. I doubt that Mrs Aliboy would be able to tell the difference between that and CK one. They have similar aroma's don't you think ?

ps Aliboy, roll out the Scottish red carpet next weekend..... Von Smallhausen is going to Edinburgh on a stag do.
 
Kinsy said:
Dear Uncle Von,

Im completely addicted to Eve and can't stop playing it. This has resulted in me having a week to write my dissertation.

What should i do?
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No problem Kinsy. I find that blackmail is always a good option. Catching the Dean in the broom cupboard with Professor Snodgrass earned me a First Class Honours Degree, an MSc and the PhD looks very good on my wall as well.

Dig up some dirt, fling it and reap the rewards.

You could always do what most students do though, and not work, obtain free money, twist about taxes even though you don't pay them and talk loudly in pubs, getting lashed on cheap, subsidised beer that I pay for out of my taxes. ;)
 
Dear Uncle Von,
While on my way home from a successfull night out on the pull, I was brutalised by a Great Dane. I was rushed to casualty and had to have 10 stiches in my bottom. I had to wear a nappy for two weeks but, as i was too embarassed to buy them I just tore up my flatmates sheets. Now he is upset because every since that incident i have suffered from sever anal leakage. I went to the Dr who carried out some tests involving a latex glove and some KY Jelly.

I have recently recieved the test results back and it seems that I am doomed to suffer anal leakage for the rest of my life. both tampons and sanitary towels were reccommended but being too embarassed to buy them in public, i tend to do without and just go out wearing my Jock Strap to save on the washing. In addition I have found that i also contracted an STI from the Dog (not the great dane) that night too. Dear Uncle Von what am I to do?
 
englishpremier said:
Dear Uncle Von,
While on my way home from a successfull night out on the pull, I was brutalised by a Great Dane. I was rushed to casualty and had to have 10 stiches in my bottom. I had to wear a nappy for two weeks but, as i was too embarassed to buy them I just tore up my flatmates sheets. Now he is upset because every since that incident i have suffered from sever anal leakage. I went to the Dr who carried out some tests involving a latex glove and some KY Jelly.

I have recently recieved the test results back and it seems that I am doomed to suffer anal leakage for the rest of my life. both tampons and sanitary towels were reccommended but being too embarassed to buy them in public, i tend to do without and just go out wearing my Jock Strap to save on the washing. In addition I have found that i also contracted an STI from the Dog (not the great dane) that night too. Dear Uncle Von what am I to do?
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Were you treated by Dr Who ? You lucky man. Is Billie Piper as fit as she looks in real life ?

I can only sympathise with your plight. Great Danes's are nothing but trouble. Are you sure it was the doctor who carries out tests with a latex glove and KY ? I know your type. Can I sugest you find love with a nicer type of dog, a labrador or a Sh' itzu ( No sweary word there mods....;) ), or if you fancy the thrill of the chase, then a Yorkshire Terrier.

As for the STI..... tut tut. You should always be careful in this day and age. Try dipping your twig and berries in hot Domestos and see if that helps.

If you are the Newcastle meet, then remind me not to shake your hand or slap your bottom..... yuk !!
 
I have heard it doesn't work at all, never mind blaming the bleach. I suspect bleach abuse is your only pleasure and vice while you are in the cupboard eating pig entrails.

I would say that you will have to stop drinking bleach. Try drinking White Lightning cider. It tastes the same, kills all known germs and charvers dead, yet has a slower effect on killing the brain.

I bet the visions you get after drinking bleach are pretty trippy though.

* Paul Daniels in a spandex all in one leopardskin suit playing quoytes with Ant and Dec. * ????
 
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