It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Marje Von Proopshousen,

I keep getting the Hot Poodle Horn - what should I do?

Shame on you Treefrog, won't somebody please think of the poodle here? If you feel ashamed by this and wish to cleanse yourself of such thoughts then every time the hot poodle horn, then think of Clare Short MP having a poo. Your horn shall surely then cease to function.

If you decide to continue your evil deed, then I shall expect a letter from the poodle asking my advice in the near future. Treefrogs and poodle's do not mix my friend.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Von, my friends seem to think drinking is fun. I don't like the taste of alcohol, nor the idea of a hangover, so what makes drinking worth it? Should I also do it?

Aah KillerKebab, you have asked the million peseta question here ( about 18 quid ), and I feel that you should be enlightened.

Alcohol does not need to taste nice to have the desired effect. The hangover is a mere by-product, like breaking wind in essence.

We drink because it manages to make Maureen from BBC's Driving School look like Elizabeth Hurley or Elisha Cuthbert for those few precious hours until it wears off and for you then to realise what an ugly old boot you capped off with in the first place.

Is it worth it ? Yes. Should you do it ? Yes. I drink and look at the quality of my posts....... tremendous. Go forth and drink my young Kebab-O-Wan, but always remember to drink in moderation. Von Smallhausen cannot accept any responsibility for any incidents of vomiting in the street or the quality of a 20 stone tugboat you pull while under the affluence of incohol...... hic !!

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von,

Where is Aunt Von? I hear rumours that she was murdered & her body was dumped in Lake Windemere.

Did you do it?

I didn't do it. You can't prove I did it and if you suggest otherwise then I shall sue you for deformation of character ( on very shaky grounds )

Aunt Von told me she could swim, even after 2 bottles of whisky and 40 paracetamol tablets.......

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von.

When I was little I used to play this game with my sisters called 'Smell the perfume'. It involved me picking at my bum and then holding out my hand whilst my sisters chose a finger to 'smell the perfume' from. If there wasn't any 'perfume' on that finger then they would have to choose another finger until they got it right. I have this strange urge to play it on my girlfriend but something tells me this could be a mistake. What do you think

Also, when I'm in bed with my girlfriend I like to press my bum against her leg when she's sleeping and squeeze some cheese. I then gently waft the duvet with my feet and wait for the pong (or should I say perfume?) to ooze out from the top of the covers. She kinda starts talking in her sleep once she gets a smell of it and I end up having a little giggle to myself whilst this is going on. Am I immature

Please help

Hello Aliboy. It seems like only yesterday since I gave you your first problem answer involving witches and green poo. I see you are still a man in turmoil, but fear not as I, Engelbert Von Smallhausen, shall drag you through the darkness into the light, via a dirty pond and 3 holly bushes.....

You are quite normal in what you have done. Have we not all played that little prank on the girls at some point of our lives ? I know I havn't you dirty boy. I am sure that trainee Mrs Aliboy will find the funny side should you decide to give her the chimps dirty fingers, when I say funny, I mean after she has dumped ( HO HO..... PUN !! ) you and taken you to the cleaners ( to have your fingers cleaned and your sheets laundered )

I would be very wary the next time Mrs Aliboy offers to make you a cup of tea. You never know what lies beneath.

As for the perfume trick, try it. I doubt that Mrs Aliboy would be able to tell the difference between that and CK one. They have similar aroma's don't you think ?

ps Aliboy, roll out the Scottish red carpet next weekend..... Von Smallhausen is going to Edinburgh on a stag do.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von,

Im completely addicted to Eve and can't stop playing it. This has resulted in me having a week to write my dissertation.

What should i do?

No problem Kinsy. I find that blackmail is always a good option. Catching the Dean in the broom cupboard with Professor Snodgrass earned me a First Class Honours Degree, an MSc and the PhD looks very good on my wall as well.

Dig up some dirt, fling it and reap the rewards.

You could always do what most students do though, and not work, obtain free money, twist about taxes even though you don't pay them and talk loudly in pubs, getting lashed on cheap, subsidised beer that I pay for out of my taxes.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

I live in rural wales, is there any hope of a future for me?

No. About as much hope as the Chuckle Brothers opening a swingers club for the over 55's.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von,
While on my way home from a successfull night out on the pull, I was brutalised by a Great Dane. I was rushed to casualty and had to have 10 stiches in my bottom. I had to wear a nappy for two weeks but, as i was too embarassed to buy them I just tore up my flatmates sheets. Now he is upset because every since that incident i have suffered from sever anal leakage. I went to the Dr who carried out some tests involving a latex glove and some KY Jelly.

I have recently recieved the test results back and it seems that I am doomed to suffer anal leakage for the rest of my life. both tampons and sanitary towels were reccommended but being too embarassed to buy them in public, i tend to do without and just go out wearing my Jock Strap to save on the washing. In addition I have found that i also contracted an STI from the Dog (not the great dane) that night too. Dear Uncle Von what am I to do?

Were you treated by Dr Who ? You lucky man. Is Billie Piper as fit as she looks in real life ?

I can only sympathise with your plight. Great Danes's are nothing but trouble. Are you sure it was the doctor who carries out tests with a latex glove and KY ? I know your type. Can I sugest you find love with a nicer type of dog, a labrador or a Sh' itzu ( No sweary word there mods.... ), or if you fancy the thrill of the chase, then a Yorkshire Terrier.

As for the STI..... tut tut. You should always be careful in this day and age. Try dipping your twig and berries in hot Domestos and see if that helps.

If you are the Newcastle meet, then remind me not to shake your hand or slap your bottom..... yuk !!

 

[Von Smallhausen]

^^

Jobs a good' un.

Thank you and come again. ( Not on great dane though )

 

[Von Smallhausen]

I have heard it doesn't work at all, never mind blaming the bleach. I suspect bleach abuse is your only pleasure and vice while you are in the cupboard eating pig entrails.

I would say that you will have to stop drinking bleach. Try drinking White Lightning cider. It tastes the same, kills all known germs and charvers dead, yet has a slower effect on killing the brain.

I bet the visions you get after drinking bleach are pretty trippy though.

* Paul Daniels in a spandex all in one leopardskin suit playing quoytes with Ant and Dec. * ????

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dr Uncle Von,

Countless people seem to be incapable of reading my handle correctly, so much so i'm contemplating stealing a banhammer and going on a psychotic rampage of doom, before destroying all life in a blaze of cyber glory.

How can we avert this terrible disaster?

I know how you feel Cotaon, and sympathise with your plight, however you must channel your rage in the right places. If you see anybody wearing Burberry or any type of charver wear, then you must take the banhammer and go forth and knack.

Don't feel you have to withold, go forward my friend and go like stink.

I hope that this helps Otoocan. if it's any help, if you get 100 psychotic rampages then you get an honorary Don award. Go on.... kill.

Hope this helps Ooteecin.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Von

I don't know what to do with my life and I can't seen to enjoy myself anymore...

Are you a complete buffoon ? Try drinking like a fish and getting to know some dirty girls. If you spent less time on the forums and more time at the clap clinic, then you would not be asking such questions.

Go forth and wee razor blades my friend.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von.

I have a problem whereby, I have watched this video and its was black and white and a woman is brushoing her hair. Then str8 after watching it, I received a call saying that I was going to die in 7 days.

What can I do??? And before you say, I have already been to the light house

The light house ? What has that got do do with the price of bacon, petrol and cheesy poofs ?

If you have seven days to live then I suggest you drink as much beer, eat as much curry and ensconce with as many birds as possible. I don't know the woman with black hair brushing her hair, but I can only say that she is a cow for ruining your life mate.

Eat, drink, curry, hump and be merry my friend. If you manage to survive until the Newcastle meet then you can tell me all about it. If you don't survive then can I have your TV, Hi-Fi, DVD player and car ?

It's nothing personal you understand.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von
I am having a couple of problems,
Firstly, my brother has only been back from a weekend away and is already annoying me, I made a nice roast dinner for him, me and my mum, I said that he could help himself to a little bit more chicken, I come back, and he's had nearly the rest of it when I wanted some to make a chicken sandwhich tommorow, I know it seem's small but he's always thinking about himself.
Secondly my girlfriend always criticises me on my hair and what I wear, she always tell's me that I should spike up my hair but atm it is getting longish and can't and it seems every time I go round her's she always says the same thing and I say I can't because it is too long, so I try spiking it up as best I can and she still critises me and does it even more when I say I am going to get it cut.

What a greedy b****** your brother is. I am disgusted at his gluttony and I think he should have good, long hard look at himself. As for you wanting a chicken sandwhich ? You greedy boy. I think you should take the considerations and needs of your brother into account before jumping to conclusions.

However, if your brother annoys you then you could always wee in his tea. As for your hair, dry your eyes and get a life. If your girlfriend criticises your hair, then critisise hers back, the selfish cow.

There are plenty more chickens in the coop, although I'm sure she is a nice lass really. ( Disclamer.... )

 

[Von Smallhausen]

I can't stop being nice and pandering to others for attentiont. Help me Von Smallhausen! Deal with mine next!

Nice guys get nowt matey peep. You must learn to be an absolute git and treat people like poo. If you do not do this then you will be one of life's doormats for and until kingdom come.

Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen.

Also, get a life you attention seeker......

 

[Von Smallhausen]

I say old chap, that is absolutly wonderful. Would one care to meet up for a little drinky poo with your chums to celebrate a man's life ending? If you don't have anyone to show you the ropes in this fine city then I'm your man. I know a few strip joints, B&B's or if there's not that many of you coming over I could possibly arrange some 'overnight sofa' accomodation.

Ching ching old bean

I would certainly meet up for a drinky poo. I don't really know the city and don't know where we are starting off, but if you fancy a brandy and some cigars, then e-mail me on [email protected] and I'm sure that something could be arranged. We could talk about ladies, strip clubs, petrol prices or stocks and shares.

Och Aye the noo ye wee scunner.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

^^

Reading your post TDS, I can only assume that Micheal Howard has as much chance of getting your vote as George W Bush has of playing beach volleyball with Osama Bin Laden, followed by cucumber sandwich's and cigars in the gentlemans club.

In other words...... no.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

far from it.
i believe there IS a time when being blue will be benficial to me.

namely when i'm no longer drawing breath

Breath that Labour plan to tax after the election ?

Anyway, I am off to bed folks. I bid you all goodnight.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von? (May I call you Mr V like the Fonz would?)

Why can't I just get my rear in gear and do this simple piece of coursework that's due in tomorrow morning?

EDIT: Bah, ah well. My question goes unanswered.

Because you are a student and students have a tiny flaw in their persona.... that being they don't like work and prefer standing outside of McDonalds saying ' Meat Is Murder ', before getting bored and popping inside for a Big Mac.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Von Blondie

My boyfriend is cheating on me and I am not even gay! Please help

CBS

The solution is simple. Get him drunk to the point of unconciousness, then rub his todger with sandpaper before pouring salt on it. He may be inclined not to cheat on you after that.

Clearly he will be ' out of action ' for a while and I am sure you will have needs in the interim, so feel free to have a fling.

Von Smallhausen is Zak Dingle at the moment, and he may entertain you. Give us 5 minutes pet to dust off me leather sheets and duvet.

 

[Von Smallhausen]

Dear Uncle Von,

For the past few months I have been talking to a girl called Amanda is the States on MSN and we got very close.

When I eventually agreed to meet Amanda, it turned out she was really a 23 stone Glaswegian docker called Malcolm, but he claims his feelings for me were not a lie and he is willing to undergo gender realignment to be with me.

The photographs he'd sent me were pinched off a pr0n site, so I was actualy looking a pics of an east european glamour model called Helga.

What should I do? I still love him/her, but all my mates are expecting me to turn up with a model, not some ginger haired man mountain. I don't want them to think I bat for the other side....

Hmm, a quandry indeed. Love is a mysterious thing though and you should be proud to show Malcolm, Mandy or whatever he or she calls himself or herself to your mates. I am sure that once his mush is caked in foundation, has a bow in his hair and is strategically shaved, then your mates should be ok with this. Try to read their thoughts when they meet him, a bet says they will think 'Hmmm, I've scuttled worse. ' Make him breath helium for an hour before so the deep voice doesn't give the game away and also make sure that your mates have had a skinfull before they meet for the first time. I am sure that Malcolm will look like Helga to them through the trusty beer goggles that most of us have possessed at some time.

Oh L'amour UncleBob.