It's Sort Your Problems Out Time Again....

Von Smallhausen · 11 Apr 2005 at 13:15

Mesuno said:
Sheesh.. Nearly sprayed the monitor with my mouthful of coke. You just make it sound so plausible! [Edit :Re reply to Feek on first page ]

Well, my house is lovely except for the bathroom which has wall, a floor with holes in it and a toilet. PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Well in this day and age, we here all the politicians say we need to be at the heart of Europe and I would say that this includes euro-bogs. I think that a hole in the ground is quite acceptable, even after 20 French, 26 Spaniards and the European Commissioners have all squatted on it, usually with the accuracy of a tramp tanked up on Brasso extra strength.

Bathrooms and toilets are over-rated mes amis. After all, all we do in there is wash, spit in the sink and launch loo canoes down the pan.

Spend the money saved on the bathroom on beer mate and do your business in the garden like a cat. You could also get a pool table and put that in the bathroom, turning it into a games room.

Simple, effective and stinky.

Von Smallhausen · 11 Apr 2005 at 14:39

kell_ee001 said:
Hey Von Smallhausen - it's me again.

Here's my problem....

I hate work but can't afford to give it up. The guys I work with are great but the customers are *******'s! I don't seem to be able to win the lottery (lady luck not with me this weekend) but don't want to become a scrounger on the dole. I'm an expensive lass to keep happy as well so we can't live on the one wage either.... any ideas on what I could do instead?! Did consider finding a really rich, really old man to marry and inherit from but yuck! Could you imagine the wedding night!?

Don't think it would be worth it in the long run!

Now then Kellee flowaa, y'alreet ?

Have you considered setting up a premium rate talk dirty line ? For about 2 poond a minute, dirty old men can hear you say.

' Ooh, up periscope Admiral ' and ' Phew it's hot in here, I will just take off some clothing ' or perhaps ' Oh my bra has fallen off, how clumsy of me '

You could do this as a sideline from work, posting your direct dial number on a respectable porn site.

Easy money Kell and you can still keep dirty old men at arms length.

Alternatively, you could always go on the game over the North side, however I would suggest you keep this from Murph. If you could not bear to lie to him, then can I suggest he becomes your pimp ? I can just see him in a purple suit, red shirt and tie, red shoes and a leopardskin hat. Would he call you a beeatch though ?

Hope this helps.

VS

Von Smallhausen · 11 Apr 2005 at 15:10

^^

FREE ? Bloody hell I have been robbed then.............

Von Smallhausen · 11 Apr 2005 at 19:05

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Von

I am posting on OcUK while I am supposed to be working...

I have not been caught yet but I hear that the punishments are severe. Some people disappear and never come back. Ever.

I work in a Taiwanese sweatshop BTW, making Nike shoes... it still confuses me why I have internet acess when I work in a sweatshop

CBS

Don't we all post while at work ?

The punishments are severe though should you be caught being associated with the OcUK underground movement. I hear that one man caught had to share a caravan with Jo Brand for a month.... my word, what a savage punishment. The man had to live on rainwater and carrot gratings as well.

To make it worse, Brand was sufering from the squits at the time.....

I need a new pair of trainers incidentally, can you get me a pair please ? It's the least you can do seeing as I have ironed out most of you problems CBS. Cbs is an American TV network didn't you know. I am the king of trivia and don't you forget it.

Von Smallhausen · 11 Apr 2005 at 20:44

Well thank you manveruppd. I like that name, it is indeed unique, is it Welsh by any chance ?

Fear not my friend, for I have posted these problem forums before. There are always problems to iron out and I am most happy when I am doing so.

As for smelly feet, that is indeed unfortunate. Have you tried placing used tea bags in your socks ? No ? Then perhaps that is where you go wrong. Clean feet are but cold and clammy discomfort away.

I am rather skint at the moment, so I will consider selling you mine until pay day on Friday. I will have to buy it back though as I will need it. Without life, I cannot post these acts of artistic literature.. I could always start charging for the advice I dish out. Hmmmmm.

As for being lazy, carry on my good manveruppd. As my profile reads, I am the Secretary of State for Sloth. Perhaps you could come and work for me in the Ministry of Sloth ? I am sure there is a spare leather recliner and a chez longues for you to kip in.

What should you do ? Don't work. All of the answers to life's problems are on these great forums. Blink, work and you may miss them.

I see you are from Leeds. The one-way system is a little cheeky I find.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 07:23

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Uncle Von

As I type I am hiding behind a dustbin, covered in dogs poo (in case I get caught, to surprise my attacker) in the back garden of a girl I fancy. All this information I could perhaps pass off as reasonable but the girl is 14! Jail bait. Tar and feathers. If I got my way with her I am not sure it would be illegal, I just want to admire the shape of her skull - but it's always the same, the girls start screaming and all of a sudden you are accused of doing something you haven't.
What's worse is the only form of social communication I can understand in this state is THIS THREAD. Please Von, I need you more than ever... more than the time I was caught with the sheep, more than the time you saved my family from the Gorilla using only chopstix...

CBS

I am shocked, truly shocked. 14? The only redemption for you now is to drink lots of bromide flavoured tea to quell such thoughts and take to the icy seas to purge yourself. For such thoughts, can I suggest a busy shipping lane ?

Tar and Feathers ? Is that a local pub you frequent ? It sounds like a rough hoose.

If my social communication is getting through to you then can I suggest you take up voluntary work or become a monk, or if you are a lady, a monkette. You will then find guidance in your life which will tell you that cat poo is far more effective at deterring attackers.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 07:27

Skully said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I seem to have problems in the bedroom, help!

Love from

Skully.

xxx

That is because, apart from Garp's observations, you are playing with the wrong type of weapon mate. Think less H&K G36 and more knockers and things will slot into place matey.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:28

Purple_Angel said:
Dear Dr,

Got any cures for a broken heart when you've lost the love of your life?

No, didn't think so.

xx

For the first time, I will post a serious reply on this. Yes there is a cure, it is called time and good friends. Both will help you and Roberta is quite right in that every day, it gets a little better. I was in the same boat last October and, as I have posted before, I lost my father 7 days after the split and it feels like your world vanishes around and beneath you. I put no frilly edges on it or seek to embellish the fact that it bloody hurts.

If it is meant to be with this guy, then it will be. If he is worth fighting for, then fight for him. If there is no hope of a reconciliation, then you should try not to use the rear view mirrors we are all fitted with and look forward.

Time heals, albeit slowly.

Von

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:32

lukechad said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I dropped AS maths 4 weeks ago and still havent told my parents, what shal I do? Its parents evening in less than 2 weeks and I dont want them to find out then

Hmmm, got any dirt on the teacher ? If so, then fling it.

You could, after packing your bags in preparation of getting your coat, tell them what has happened.

Can I suggest some charitable act or donation in the meantime to impress them. An example could be buying me a new PC as my power supply has gone pop, taking bits and bobs with it.

I would sing your praises for doing this

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 13:52

^^

Heh heh, nice. Am I not allowed the one deviation ?

And it is 65 kilo's of peanut butter and a MOOSE you buffoon......

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 15:05

Alasdair said:
Dear Uncle Von,

I am stuck in a job I don't like, with no chance of getting anything better paying what I'm on just now.

What should I do?

Al

Become a pimp. After an initial outlay for outrageous suits, shoes, hats and a nice tasteless pimpstick, you will find that the money rolls in. Don't forget me when you are rich. I'd rather like an Aston Martin Vanquish if you are feeling flush.

Have you considered joining the circus as well ? I hear being a trapeze artist or mucking out the elephants pays well.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 16:17

Grouch said:
On our Win2003 Server i keep getting the following error under Event Viewer - Application: -

Error: Script Engine Exception. A ScriptEngine threw exception 'C0000005' in 'IScriptDispatchEx::Release()' from 'CScriptingNamespace::UnInit()'..

This seems to be linked with an intermittent error we get when using the CDO.Message object. At the same time the SMTP Connector service is crashing and restarting.

Oh and er i'm in love with my dog.

If you spent less time with the dog and more time learning about PC,s, then you would not be in such a sticky.

The above translates roughly to, hit the PC with a hammer and see if that works. If it doesn't, the there is always the x-box or the Vic 20 with 16k expansion pack to fall back on.

Ask the dog if he or she can fix it.

Von Smallhausen · 12 Apr 2005 at 16:25

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Darth Von

I have been evicted from under-the-stairs and miss my fish heads for breakfast...

There is always a lot of demand in the sweatshop business, and your new shoes are almost ready, i promise, made of human skin just as you asked, but I can't afford decent accomondation.

I was looking for a 2 bedroom flat, then a studio, then a one bedroom and now I find that even a single room is too expensive. The only thing that seems to be within my price range is an elephant's anus, but I am not sure whether there would be enough room for my computer and if the elephant moves my address will change...

Yours in dilemma

CBS

No problem CBS, I have been living inside a Blue Whale for a while now and I have found it to be quite pleasant, although it is a little damp at times. Still, I have all the utilities such as electricity, gas and broadband, and a satellite phone, not to mention my George Foreman grille.

I would say that living in an elephants bum would be fine, as long as the gas fitter has done some safety checks there as a gas leak cold be problematic. I would say that you would have room for a laptop in there and a small Stella fridge, leaving room for a camp bed.

As for the address change, don't worry to much. The local council will still find you and slam you with a council tax bill.

I find your lack of faith amusing.

Darth Von

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 18:49

Treefrog said:
Cher von Petitemaison,

I sometimes have an irresistable urge to address people in French, and bump threads. Does this mean that the pixies will get me?

-Treefrog (the Hornless)

Bonjour mes amis ....... Ca'va ?

Nah, the pixie's are nice little things. They dispense free beer and keep me in Nik Naks.

It's the Goblins you want to be frightened of. They will pull your hair while you are asleep, call everyone a numpty. They also give you razor sharp wedgies............. :eek:

It's like wearing a cheesewire G-string so I'm told. Mmmmmm cheesewire G-string.

As for bumping threads, why not ? I do and get no complaints, apart from dons, underbosses, commissario's and, wise guys ........... et al. ( French )

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 18:52

Chris [BEANS] said:
Dear Uncie Von Smallywally.

I have been waiting forever for my new job, in the mean time i have been working in a horrible demeaning and boring job, the pressure has finaly got too much and the wait has been so long that i have given up all hope.

I have decided to commit suicide, i made a large cross and nailed both my feet and my left hand to it in the correct manner as illustrated in the "Obscure Suicide" volume of the "DIY for Lunatics" series of books.
Unfortunately the next page is missing and i am having real trouble hammering in the last nail.
I'm losing blood fast so please reply while i still have the strength to finish the task in hand, if this suicide attempt goes wrong and i die of blood loss rather than crucifixion i dont think i'll be able to take another faliure and am worried that i'll end up doing something crazy!!!

You wonder if you will end up doing something crazy ? It seems you have. You used the obscure guide to suicide when you should have gotten The Complete Guide To Suicide by I.J Umpoffcliffs. The final page of this masterpiece is there for all to see. What you need to do now is be force fed Lyons Golden Syrup so as to make the bleeding slow down. Any holes can then be plugged with used chewing gum or tab butts.

Why do this act though ? You could always pull the nails out and save yourself for the ultimate act of craziness in joining the Metropolitan Police,

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 19:07

chimaera_5 said:
Dear Uncle Von

the maps that i am creating are mis-aligned by 1/1000th of a centimetre, yet the spatial reference remains identical.

Please help and save me from getting sacked for being a useless git.

chimaera

No problem mate. Just make sure that a free porn mag is placed in with all of the maps that are sent out. What would you rather look at.... gridlines or girdles ? I would rather look at the ' hills ' you play with rather than the ones you climb. The maps will then be used to clean up, thus no one will read them.

As for getting the sack ? Just tell your boss that you know he is knocking off the cleaner and you will tell his missus if he gives you the Spanish Archer.....
El Bow.

Jobs a good 'un.

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 19:13

suicidle_tramp said:
Dear uncy von,

I am having cravings for pork scratchings, I eat them sometimes and end up feeling like ****, does this mean I am turning into a pig? I sometimes feel like I am sprouting a little tail.
Also, I sometimes fear that part of piggymon might be in the packet.

Hmmm. Feel like **** or eat and play in **** ? If it is the latter and you find your tail doing the twist then you may indeed be turning into one of our little pink friends.

Stay clear of Foot and Mouth, butchers and bacon sandwhich lovers and you may yet enjoy a fruitful life.

As for Piggymon being in the packet ? Take care and please don't eat her. I would say that a pork scratchings packet would roughly equate in size to a tent for her so there may be substance in what you say.

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 19:17

cleanbluesky said:
Dear Vonster,

Having solved all my problems, my problem is that I have no-more problems. As I said before my only form of social communication is this column and now that I am care-free I feel that I am wasting your time with my problematic lack of problems

CBS

I am so pleased that I have shown you the path of ritchous.... rytcus....richussn....goodness and that your problems are no more. Nothing gives me more pleasure than to discover this, except Liz Hurley covered in maple syrup shouting VON VON VON ........

stay unproblematic.

VS

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 19:21

cleanbluesky said:
Uncle Von have ye abandoned us?

Must I scrap the plans for temples in yir honour sai?

I would never abandon you my gracious young Pado Wan. Feel free to build a temple in my honour. Can I suggest an edible one made of Nik Naks and a toilet that flushes with Stella ?

To top it off, a marble or bronze statue of me embraced with the lucious Liz Hurley. Get building......

Engelbert Von Smallhausen

Von Smallhausen · 15 Apr 2005 at 19:25

Chris [BEANS] said:
Sod it.

Weak from bloodloss i read your advise wrong and tried to plug the holes with golden syrup whilst the Mrs force fed me gum.
A very sticky situation indeed but i think you will agree considerably better than my previous choice of action.

Thanks for your wisdom Guru Smallhousen

You are more than welcome my child.... and thanks for the bump.

PS. Got a start date yet ?