Join the club, make me feel better?
- Thread starter FoxEye
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I know it's an oldish thread now but I stumbled across it whilst using 'search' to find something else entirely.
I'm bored at work and managed to scan through the whole thing, only to find out there is no happy ending at the end
OP how are you doing now ?
Have you taken on any of the good advice that is littered through this thread ?
Hope you do - you seem like a good guy that deserves some happiness in your life.
I have just made myself a plentyoffish account. With the comment I've put on there, and the photo (only one I have of myself atm, I don't keep photos of me), I'm not expecting any replies.
But.... it will satisfy the requests from some people in this thread for a pic, even if you can barely make out my face (I like it that way!)
http://www.plentyoffish.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=29759748
Tbh, I'm probably not in the best place mentally to be looking for a relationship anyhow. But I'm very conscious that the clock is ticking, I'm 31, and even as ****ed up as I am, if I don't do it soon I'll be a bachelor to my death bed.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
I'm the one with glasses sitting next to the woman. If I uploaded a less grainy photo you'd see my face looks like my arse.
I know this. I know *exactly* the impact it will have.
But why lie? Why pretend that I'm some positive-thinking go-getter when I've accurately described myself as it is now?
When I find the switch in my head labelled "terminally depressed / happy bouncy" I'll be sure to flip it to the "happy" position.
Until then....
I'd love to say "yeah I have mates" but the truth is for years I've kept myself to myself. There are people I get on with at work, and people I play football with on a weekly basis, but I'm not sure that these people are my mates. Mates do things together, socialise together (outside of work) and that's something I have just not done. Been a shut-in, basically.
All started at school when I was a fat kid in my youth, got teased a lot and it knocked my confidence badly, so I withdrew and made playing PC games my only interest in life. That has had consequences in shaping the person I am today.
I didn't realise this would be displayed. I thought it was just to register/login, and that I'd be able to choose a display name.
OK, think the plan is to delete the profile and try again tomorrow.
Jesus, you even **** yourself off on a login name you think only you and a computer will ever see!!! Aaarrrrggghhhh. POSITIVITY dude!!!!
Sorry, sorry, I do this sort of crap without thinking.
So, basically, I'm too negative. This is a learned behaviour reinforced through years of believing I'm a horrible person and thus acting like one.
Need to break out of this vicious circle somehow. How to act positive when you don't feel like it. Must learn this. How to talk to people when your mind is screaming at you that it's hopeless, everybody secretly hates you anyhow. Argh. Have to reverse a lifetime's mental stagnation and overcome self-destructive tendencies, somehow.
Will be a massive task.
What gigs? Sorry I have no idea who you are.
Pretend. After a while you'll realise you don't have to pretend any more. Call it acting if you like, just act how you wish you did and you'll re-wire that brain eventually
OK, that sounds good, just have to believe in it.
Listen, chaps, how do you do face-to-face conversation? I have several problems with it.
1. My mind goes blank the more I'd like to say something. Especially if I would like that person to like me. The more interested I am in a person, the more blank my mind gets. Obviously with a mind that wont play ball, making jokes is impossible. Makes me very dull to be with. Just say "yeah" a lot when this happens. And nod. And fail!
2. Can't make eye contact. I do try. After a second it feels wrong. Feels like their eyes are burning me. Have to look away. Safety in looking away. Danger in looking in their eyes. Danger is they might see me; see into me, you see? That's how it feels. Wrong.
3. Always worried about how I sound, and lose concentration on what I'm saying, and even worse, what the other person is saying! After I say something I replay it in my mind, analysing what I've just said, and ignoring them! Really bad that one. People see I'm not listening, and I miss opportunities to further the conversation. But not because I'm not interested, because my mind is replaying the things I've said!
You've been very good guys in listening to me babble on about everything.
How on earth do you get to be 30 and never kissed a girl?
How do you get to 13 without kissing a girl for that matter......
I have been socially unaware for a long time. Since primary school. I wish I knew why, or what the trigger event was.
People aren't born socially retarded, but it happened to me very very young, and I never beat it (arf).
OK, here's the problem. Once I decide to talk (and I'm already crapping myself by this point), my brain is in a fight-or-flight mode and what I'm trying to say comes out completely wrong. As in, I can't make form the ideas into the right words.
Here's an example. I'd be looking at a girl and want to say "you look stunning", and instead I'd say something like "I think I've seen that dress on someone else"... and then I'll freeze, thinking "where the heck did that come from? I didn't want to say that!"
And then you have a real worry that whenever you open your mouth, you can't predict what will come out. You feel embarrassed, the other person gets offended or confused, and when you try to fix it you make it worse.
Might sound hard to believe, but this is why I'm the quiet guy who everyone thinks doesn't want to be there. If I open my mouth it's instant embarrassment.
It doesn't affect me so badly when typing on the net, but I do take like 10 minutes over each post
Ja, ja, but the thing is, in this state of super-anxiety, my brain hijacks my communication, and I literally lose control over the words I'm saying.
You need to learn some recouping
Yes that's it - the girl of my dreams was wearing it
DINGDINGDING WINNAR
That's very good. I wish I was quick-witted enough to spot opportunities like that. Instead I'd just start blushing and worrying about having blown it.
Oh I'm sure you're right. But when you're terrified of something, genuinely in the grip of complete and overwhelming fear, how often do you stop to think of something funny?
It's like saying if you were watching a truck speeding towards you, instead of diving out of the way you'd search your mind for something funny to say before you got hit.
Now I know chatting to a girl is not life-threatening, and indeed that must sound really weird to you guys. But imagine you did get that fearful just by standing next to a hot girl. I get tense, I sometimes shake visibly, and making jokes is in all honesty not on the agenda.
In fact I think I have an irrational fear (phobia) of attractive women.
If you want to believe that, be my guest.
As for PoF, yeah I'll make another profile. Want to find a camera first and take a few pics.
Anyway, I want to go on a slight tangent here. There are numerous factors that are lowering my self-esteem, and probably rightly so. Here they are, in no particular order.
1. Still live at home (with Mum)
2. Still dependent (Mum does cooking, washing), shameful really
3. Low-income (~15.5k) no savings, no car
4. No going out clothes (wear jogging bottoms around the house)
5. A bit of self-neglect (bit of a gut, not been to dentist for 15 years)
6. Academic failure: as a teenager teachers said I was as smart as I wanted to be. Went to uni and dropped out, after woefully underachieving at A-level too.
7. Lack of interests/hobbies besides coming here
So, if you were me, what would you work at first? Move out? Get some clothes? Fix my body? Obviously some of these are going to be easier to put right than others. Moving out may not be financially viable. Or I'd end up subsisting in a small flat and being even more miserable.
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