jokie

A depressed man walks into the bar and slumps himself on one of the bar stools. He turns to the barman and says, "give me a shot of whiskey and make it fast". The barman obliges and the man gulps it down.

"Quick.... another shot of whiskey", he says. The barman pours him another and the whiskey swiftly disappears. Once again the man demands more - "quick - more whiskey!". And the barman pours him another shot.

"Forgive my curiosity," says the barman, "but why are you in such a hurry to drink?"

"Well," replies the man sullenly, "you'd be drinking quickly too if you'd got what I have."

The barman replies, "oh God, what's that?" The man says, "50p".
 
Lysander said:
A depressed man walks into the bar and slumps himself on one of the bar stools. He turns to the barman and says, "give me a shot of whiskey and make it fast". The barman obliges and the man gulps it down.

"Quick.... another shot of whiskey", he says. The barman pours him another and the whiskey swiftly disappears. Once again the man demands more - "quick - more whiskey!". And the barman pours him another shot.

"Forgive my curiosity," says the barman, "but why are you in such a hurry to drink?"

"Well," replies the man sullenly, "you'd be drinking quickly too if you'd got what I have."

The barman replies, "oh God, what's that?" The man says, "50p".
Click to expand...

heh, I like that one.

The OP joke is one of my all-time favourites. I like to tell it when people are eating.
 
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr.
Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
dates.

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, wha t is Ed Zachary
Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your ass."



i'll get my coat
 
2 women are walking home from the pub after a night on the Cocktails.
One turns to the other and says "Lisa, I'm dying for a slash" so her mate points over to the cemetary and says "Go there, no-one will see you".
So she staggers off, crouches over a grave, does her thing and pulls her knickers up.
The next day, both of the womens husbands are sat in the pub having a beer and one of them is very quiet indeed.
"Whats wrong with you?"asks the 1st bloke.
"Well" says the 2nd bloke. "This morning, when I woke up, I looked on the floor and saw in the wifes knickers a card so I picked it up and read it".
"Well what did it say?" asks the 1st bloke to which he replies "From all at the Fire Station, you were a legend".
 
Wiggins said:
2 women are walking home from the pub after a night on the Cocktails.
One turns to the other and says "Lisa, I'm dying for a slash" so her mate points over to the cemetary and says "Go there, no-one will see you".
So she staggers off, crouches over a grave, does her thing and pulls her knickers up.
The next day, both of the womens husbands are sat in the pub having a beer and one of them is very quiet indeed.
"Whats wrong with you?"asks the 1st bloke.
"Well" says the 2nd bloke. "This morning, when I woke up, I looked on the floor and saw in the wifes knickers a card so I picked it up and read it".
"Well what did it say?" asks the 1st bloke to which he replies "From all at the Fire Station, you were a legend".
Click to expand...

Lol V Good :D
 
Sticking with the chinese theme...

A dustbin man is doing his rounds one morning when he realises that one house has not put out their bin. Being a good dustbin man he goes to the door and knocks. After about 5 minutes a chinese man opens the door. The dustbin man says "Alright mate, wheres ya bin?" to which the chinese man sheepishly replies "I bin having a poo". The dustbin man sees that the poor man is clearly confused so says "No mate, wheres your WHEELY bin?" to which the chinese man hangs his head and says "OK, ok, I wheely bin having a <wafty crank>"

very old, but I had forgotten about it until now
 
From an Email I got today.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
> The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
> loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
> the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
> morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them out because it was
> making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was
> perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that
> one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued
> to rip them out. Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the
> turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the
> innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious
> thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her
> husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she
> pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl
> of turkey guts into his pants. Some time later, she heard her husband
> waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
> scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
>
> The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
> laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture, she reckoned she
> had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband
> came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on
> his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said
> 'you were right love. All these years you have warned me and I did not
> listen to you' What do you mean? asked his wife. Well you always told me
> that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally
> happened, but by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I
> think I got most of them back in.
Click to expand...

:p
 
Wiggins said:
2 women are walking home from the pub after a night on the Cocktails.
One turns to the other and says "Lisa, I'm dying for a slash" so her mate points over to the cemetary and says "Go there, no-one will see you".
So she staggers off, crouches over a grave, does her thing and pulls her knickers up.
The next day, both of the womens husbands are sat in the pub having a beer and one of them is very quiet indeed.
"Whats wrong with you?"asks the 1st bloke.
"Well" says the 2nd bloke. "This morning, when I woke up, I looked on the floor and saw in the wifes knickers a card so I picked it up and read it".
"Well what did it say?" asks the 1st bloke to which he replies "From all at the Fire Station, you were a legend".
Click to expand...
Wha'?
 
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