Living at your parents home when you're 25+

[adam cool dude]

I was out of the house at 20 and home owner by 23. Hope to be mortgage free in 5 years by the time I am 40. My eldest daughter is 13 and we have a whiteboard at home with jobs listed for money so she earns say £3 for cutting the grass, £1 for doing the dishes, 50p for picking up dog poo's etc. She can quite easily earn £20 a week. That way she learns the value of earning money. Same will happen when she turns 18. If she doesn't go to Uni she will pay rent which will go into a fund for her to have when she decides to move out.

One of our elderly neighbours have had their son move back in who must be in his mid 40 to late 40's. I guess he is going through divorce. Hope that doesn't happen to me .

 

[Resident]

A question for you and or your parents on this:

My son is back living at home because of issues (issues = time off from Uni) and does not help with any rent, food or anything else and yet he is upset that my wife and I ask him to answer phones (I still work freelance), pick up groceries etc and all I get is an an earful of how unfair I am, so am I?

He is taking time off from Uni, 27 years old, but has some health issues (pacemaker and Graves), but other than that he's fine.

Gave it a shot to ask here.

Are you being unfair? Absolutely not.

Are you being a mug? Absolutely.

You need, you and your wife, to stand together and tell him, he has 3 choices:

1. Helps out around the house, chores/errand & helping with the phones etc in leui of rent/bills
2. Pays his way financially
3. Finds alternative living arrangements

You need to give him a time frame to decide and should he chose option 3, tell him he has limited time to find and move out.

 

[Resident]

The thing I never understood is if adult kids need to pay their parents rent, why can't they claim housing benefit?

It's worse than that. A friend of mine was renting out the house his parents bought for that reason. He insisted on the going rate etc. Unfortunately the company he worked for folded and he applied for benefits to tie him over, the reason the system is supposed to exist for. Refused him housing benefit because his parents owned the house. You're not allowed to claim housing if the property belongs to a close relative but he couldn't get a definitive reason from DWP.

 

[LuckyBenski]

It's worse than that. A friend of mine was renting out the house his parents bought for that reason. He insisted on the going rate etc. Unfortunately the company he worked for folded and he applied for benefits to tie him over, the reason the system is supposed to exist for. Refused him housing benefit because his parents owned the house. You're not allowed to claim housing if the property belongs to a close relative but he couldn't get a definitive reason from DWP.

You're also not allowed (generally) to rent a house to family if it's mortgaged. Same reason from the banks - it's most likely fraudulent to some degree.

 

[GR63]

If you have to ask him to contribute in any way, its probably telling you that you did something wrong when bringing him up. My kids knew when they had income they were expected to pitch in. Same as I was brought up. Likewise, if you had a paper round you didnt get pocket money too (its like claiming "benefit" at same time as working).

Probably a bit late to ask now at age 27

 

[Dis86]

If you have to ask him to contribute in any way, its probably telling you that you did something wrong when bringing him up. My kids knew when they had income they were expected to pitch in. Same as I was brought up. Likewise, if you had a paper round you didnt get pocket money too (its like claiming "benefit" at same time as working).

Probably a bit late to ask now at age 27

Actually a very fair point. Something people won't like to hear though.

 

[GR63]

Actually a very fair point. Something people won't like to hear though.

I was lucky my wife and I were in complete agreement about such things so kids never could play one off against the other. For me, the values you get as a kid come back throughout your life so important to get right.

 

[Voltar]

Just leave him be or allow him to pitch in without being ordered about.

unless you’ve got bailiffs coming round, don’t squeeze him for rent. Or be prepared to pay him to help you when you’re old and infirm.

He probably doesn’t love the fact he’s moved back in with his parents. I think go totally hands off for a couple of weeks- let the guy have some space. Then maybe see if you can help with his issues in any small way.

I wouldn’t expect my kids to pay me rent. It would be great if they helped out around the house, but I wouldn’t demand it. If they can pick up pre paid groceries or dry cleaning or whatever then that’s something they could do.

 

[Joxeon]

My dad would charge me what he called back-board if I missed any rent payments. I would have jumped at the chance to answer a few phone calls / pick up the groceries to get out of paying rent.

 

[EdwardTeach]

I think it is totally reasonable to expect him to help out. I would expect him to cook several meals a week, and help our with general household chores and errands.

 

[EdwardTeach]

If you have to ask him to contribute in any way, its probably telling you that you did something wrong when bringing him up. My kids knew when they had income they were expected to pitch in. Same as I was brought up. Likewise, if you had a paper round you didnt get pocket money too (its like claiming "benefit" at same time as working).

Probably a bit late to ask now at age 27

Nonsense.

This relates to wealth. If you're parents are not well off then it is reasonable to expect to have to "pitch in", if they are wealthy then it becomes absurd to even consider it.

 

[fez]

All I will say is that all the parents I know who have their kids living at home far too long pretty much all raised them poorly and never made them fend for themselves. My partners brother has spend large amounts of time living back home since he finished Uni (took 5 years to do a 3 year course) because its easy. They bought him a flat which he rents out periodically to 1 other person (3 bedroom flat) and yet he quite often spends months living at home. There is nothing wrong with him. He works. Hes a perfectly fine adult human being but because his mother has always mollycoddled him he loves going home because she cooks and cleans for him, its cheaper and she gives him money for things all the time.

Conversely, because my partner has always been ambitious and self sufficient she doesn't get the same treatment. Then again shes not her mothers baby boy so there is that.

By are large, barring an unexpected massive life change, if your kids come home and spend any amount of time there as an adult you have probably made some serious mistakes in preparing them for the adult world.

 

[fez]

Nonsense.

This relates to wealth. If you're parents are not well off then it is reasonable to expect to have to "pitch in", if they are wealthy then it becomes absurd to even consider it.

I'm not sure it does. If I didn't have to work and someone would pay for me to do whatever I wanted then I would 100% not work. I don't love working. I love my hobbies and free time. Sometimes you have to indulge in a bit of tough love to make your children into functioning adults who don't expect handouts throughout their lives.

 

[Martynt74]

Nonsense.

This relates to wealth. If you're parents are not well off then it is reasonable to expect to have to "pitch in", if they are wealthy then it becomes absurd to even consider it.

I think it's good parenting whatever the financial situation.

As others have said, we've taken rent and put it aside for help with deposits etc with our kids. It's better than just doing nothing as it's good for the children to get into a habit of paying bills monthly and that way it's not as big a shock when they move out.

 

[GR63]

Nonsense.

This relates to wealth. If you're parents are not well off then it is reasonable to expect to have to "pitch in", if they are wealthy then it becomes absurd to even consider it.

Nonsense yourself We were plenty "well off" but our kids contribute and never once complained. Its never a "market rate" its about contributing and taking personal responsibility when you are a "grown up". If our kids had minimum wage jobs they'd have still contributed something.

for me, its all about educating your children in "values" and equipping them for the real world as independent human beings, not sponges who feel self entitled

 

[Martynt74]

Nonsense yourself We were plenty "well off" but our kids contribute and never once complained. Its never a "market rate" its about contributing and taking personal responsibility when you are a "grown up". If our kids had minimum wage jobs they'd have still contributed something.

for me, its all about educating your children in "values" and equipping them for the real world as independent human beings, not sponges who feel self entitled

Yeah, once out of education i think it's important. Although we have gone back to nothing as my daughter went into an apprenticeship so it felt right to support her. Annoyingly my wife said we'd do that for the 3 years of the course and she's done well and so been rewarded with some pay rises above the base apprentice wage to take her above where she was working at McDonalds after college, and so i'm trying to work it back in as she seems to be getting wasteful with it again!

 

[Mellowfellow]

I tried a number of times over the past 15 years but I have given up.

The way I see it, if there is nothing wrong with them and they are 30+ and still living at home with their parents. Then they need to have a serious think about which direction their life is going and dating under those circumstances, they can forget it! No woman is going to take them seriously.

I should point out that his parents have been charging him rent , roughly £100 a week from his £175 @week benefits .
He was getting up to £300 when he worked 16 hours (added to benefits) in his last job which ended over 2 years ago.
I don't know if they are just saving up money for him and going to give him the money back if or when he moves. They're retired and have no mortgage and did well career wise so they aren't in desperate need of his rent but it gets him used to paying it
He told me he has about £6k saving account that he can't access and not allowed his passport. Not that he's planning on going abroad anyway but you need photo ID for anything these days .
Are they just controlling him or simply worried he can't cope alone?
How will he cope if they have to go into a home or pass away?
Have they considered this?
He's got 3 brothers, all live independently, well one came back home not long ago but works full time, one lives abroad and has a family, another one has a flat nearby . All work.

 

[dannywaugh1]

It think a sit down conversation between you and him is a good idea. Explain to him what you and your wife expect now he is home. The fact he is 27 being a young adult he needs to learn how the world work whixh he will already. Work hard and pay your way and get paid in return. Nothing is free.

When I say sit down conversation make it you and home so he doesn't feel like you and your wife are' ganging up on him'.


Also have you both considered taking some time out as a family and went out? Break the ice a little get him on your side again. At the end of the day you are the parents and he needs to respect you both.

 

[jellybeard999]

I think it's good parenting whatever the financial situation.

As others have said, we've taken rent and put it aside for help with deposits etc with our kids. It's better than just doing nothing as it's good for the children to get into a habit of paying bills monthly and that way it's not as big a shock when they move out.

Agreed, and it's what my parents and what intend to do in the future. Put the money aside if it's not needed. It's not about the money, it's about the principle of saving/responsibility etc.

I'd expect "board" once earning (the amount scaling with income), as well as help with simple jobs around the house - emptying the dishwasher, hanging the washing out, tidying after meals, that sort of thing.

 

[Luckystrike123]

Moving back in with the parents can be difficult. I left home when I was 23 and it was a complete relief. It's not that we didn't get on but being an adult and not being in charge of yourself is quite oppressive.

I moved back in for about a week after a surgery as I couldn't look after myself, and that single week was too much!

Having said that he does sound like a spoilt little *****. It's funny how some people can't interact with their parents as adult to adult rather than adult and child. I've seen this with a couple of long time friends.

You need to sit him down, clearly explain the rules, if he doesn't like it he can find alternative accommodation. He won't thank you for it either way but you don't have to help someone who is completely ungrateful.