Living at your parents home when you're 25+

He's an adult and should equally contribute to the running of the household. Otherwise he's just treating you as his servants.

Granted you might not want to charge him rent but I think he should do his fair share and not expect you to do everything for him.

Basically grow up
 
Having children sounds like great fun doesn't it.

If I hadn't met someone and moved out I'd still be at my mums like a lot of the (still, or newly) single people I know back in my hometown. I'd still contribute in any way I could though. Not doing so is being a dick, but also kicking your children out is being a dick.
 
Thing I find with chores - one of my friends moans a lot her late teen kids won't help out with them - but whenever they show any interest "it's quicker if I do it" and/or an almost passive aggressive making it difficult, throwing barriers in their way, for them to break into doing it as if they should just wake up one day and know exactly how and when to do that stuff and blaming them for not being part of it... I know for some parents they live such busy lives it makes that difficult but still. Depending on the nature of the kid some will see various chores as mum or dad's "domain" and have difficultly breaking into it seeing it as taking a liberty to just start moving around stuff their parents normally do, other kids might be more pro-active of nature and just start figuring it out for themselves. Generally it takes some cooperation from both sides which for some reason doesn't seem to come naturally for a lot of families.

Paying your way in terms of rent or some of the more basic things though like being prepared to run down the shops if asked, etc. is another matter.
 
If the kid’s earning, they pay their fair share towards the household bills. I remember taking home £45 p/w as an apprentice in the early 1980s and handing £15 straight over to Mum for my share of grocery shopping. £10 p/w went into a emergencies/savings jar that I was not allowed to touch on pain of death.
 
If I go back to my parents for a visit I always help my mother with her domestic chores. My brother and father joke this is me 'scoring points' or 'sucking up', while my sister remains quiet. I suspect they are all happy because they know someone should be helping mother out but they are glad it isn't them. She isn't a slave and the fam should play like a team.
 
Erm my then girlfriend now wife did went to live with my dad for two between exchanging contracts and we just bought our own stuff. Given his health history though id just allow it an carry on as normal tbh
 
Interesting comments here. It's a subject I feel pretty strongly about - I was paying my mum rent as soon as I was earning. It was usually around a third of my wages - £100 when I earned £270 monthly at Sainsbury's during college. £250 when I went full time in my next job after college. I moved out aged 21 and my rent in a shared house was £10 less!

Thing is, my mum was babying me - she still cooked, did most of the cleaning, would make me snacks etc. She was just too used to it after 40 years of parenting (I'm youngest of 6). I did some housework but ultimately it was minimal.

When I moved out I had no idea how to use a washing machine, only basic cooking skills, etc etc. I had to learn those things pretty sharpish to keep the living standards I was used to, so at 23 I was fully independent, but also very functional as an adult. DIY, budgeting, life admin...

I moved back (with a girlfriend) with my mum in between rentals and lasted about 3 weeks before she kicked us out. Aggressively - literally with the clothes on our backs. We were just all adults who didn't want to change our behaviours for other people really. I don't "get" the living with parents as an adult thing because I want my own space my own way. But if you get along with yours and you're happy, go for it.

As for the OP I would have some frank words - either the son has some motivation issues that need a kick up the pants, or some personal issues that need some support. Either way it needs talking out because the behaviour needs to change IMO. I'd want to support my kid but I'd not want to enable them descending into laziness or dependence because long term that will not serve them well in the real world.
 
Rroff said:
Thing I find with chores - one of my friends moans a lot her late teen kids won't help out with them - but whenever they show any interest "it's quicker if I do it" and/or an almost passive aggressive making it difficult, throwing barriers in their way, for them to break into doing it as if they should just wake up one day and know exactly how and when to do that stuff and blaming them for not being part of it... I know for some parents they live such busy lives it makes that difficult but still. Depending on the nature of the kid some will see various chores as mum or dad's "domain" and have difficultly breaking into it seeing it as taking a liberty to just start moving around stuff their parents normally do, other kids might be more pro-active of nature and just start figuring it out for themselves. Generally it takes some cooperation from both sides which for some reason doesn't seem to come naturally for a lot of families.

Paying your way in terms of rent or some of the more basic things though like being prepared to run down the shops if asked, etc. is another matter.
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9
This is my friends problem. He's 35 and never left home
His parents treated him like he's incapable of doing anything around the house.
He said he's tried but they tell him not to bother.
He's in a position of what you could call "learned helplessness " where he's been treated as if he'll never be an adult and so stops trying to make progress like getting a full time job, moving out etc. He's had a few unskilled part time jobs over the years but suffered workplace issues with colleagues bullying or belittling behaviour due to Asperger and anxiety issues.
 
I couldn't live with my parent(s) I just couldn't. Unless I had some annexe in the grounds (hah!) that was well detached from the house. Got to have my own space.

cheesyboy said:
It's **** living with your parents as an adult. I bought a house at 24, but was utterly done with living at home by that stage.

Had a 4 month stay back with them, with wife and 2 year old too, ~5 years later when we were between house sale/purchase. Did not enjoy that.

Anyway, all that is to say: It's stressful living under someone else's roof and having to work to their rule. But OP's son SHOULD be pitching in and probably paying keep, for at least the resources he's consuming.
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This its doing him no favours by waiting on him hand and foot they just get lazy/complacent and he won't thank you for it and when you've had enough and show him the door he'll just resent you.

In short you're just storing up trouble for the future.
 
Couldn't live with my parents. I went on holiday with them for 3 weeks recently. Staying in an apartment with them was tough. And as much as I love them they have hardly any banter or fun. My dad's idea of fun is insulting me. I just keep telling him to f off ha
 
Mellowfellow said:
This is my friends problem. He's 35 and never left home
His parents treated him like he's incapable of doing anything around the house.
He said he's tried but they tell him not to bother.
He's in a position of what you could call "learned helplessness " where he's been treated as if he'll never be an adult and so stops trying to make progress like getting a full time job, moving out etc. He's had a few unskilled part time jobs over the years but suffered workplace issues with colleagues bullying or belittling behaviour due to Asperger and anxiety issues.
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Same as my best friend who is 37 but doesn't have any issues such as asperger or anxiety. Does the bare minimum in life just to get by and then complains why no woman wants to date him.
 
Tuppy_Glossop said:
If I go back to my parents for a visit I always help my mother with her domestic chores. My brother and father joke this is me 'scoring points' or 'sucking up', while my sister remains quiet. I suspect they are all happy because they know someone should be helping mother out but they are glad it isn't them. She isn't a slave and the fam should play like a team.
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Yeah, you'd always just assume it's normal.

We went to my sisters for a meal on Saturday and did the washing up to help out. Similarly we're heading to my parents place in Spain (Head into the wine thread when you have a sec if you can as i had a question you might be good for), and i'd never imagine treating my mum as a "host" and expecting her to do all the cooking/cleaning whilst we're over there.
 
NotAGolf said:
I didn't pay my way at all when I was still living with my parents after uni, but I think they trusted that I was working my balls off to get my own place as soon as possible, which I did. Had I not been in a hurry to get out, then I think things would be different.

When my kids are older, I would expect them to help out and pay a decent chunk of rent if they wanted to stay at home, but I would keep that rent aside and give it back to them eventually to go towards a deposit. Teaches them to manage their money as well as stopping them from being scroungers (hopefully)!
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I think that's a really good idea to keep their rent back and give it to them later when they need a deposit.
 
I started paying rent from about 18 while living with parents. Everytime I've stayed at my parents house I've paid rent.

It's a bit cheeky to not either pay rent, or do some jobs around the house (unless there is a medical or financial reason why you can't do).
 
malachi said:
Same as my best friend who is 37 but doesn't have any issues such as asperger or anxiety. Does the bare minimum in life just to get by and then complains why no woman wants to date him.
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I do try encouraging my friend to not fear the future, to apply for jobs etc and explained that nothing is certain so a certain tolerance of risk is necessary to have more than you currently have.
What's the saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results "

Blackjack Davy said:
I couldn't live with my parent(s) I just couldn't. Unless I had some annexe in the grounds (hah!) that was well detached from the house. Got to have my own space.



This its doing him no favours by waiting on him hand and foot they just get lazy/complacent and he won't thank you for it and when you've had enough and show him the door he'll just resent you.

In short you're just storing up trouble for the future.
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I agree with this.
Left home at 21 , moved to the YMCA In my local area, then council flat, then hit a downturn , lost my home , so living in a friend's flat, minding the place for them for a few months, then when they ended tenancy I had to go , stayed in a caravan on a driveway nearby, then another former neighbour put me up with him and his two young children, but it got too much , I eventually had an offer from a cousin who lived elsewhere so lived with him and his Mrs and son in their house, after I managed to get a steady job to get a place of my own , a bedsit , then the housing association offered me the place I am in now , 3 and half years ago.
Never went back to my mum's but luckily I never ended up sleeping rough or at a hostel
 
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The problem is due to still not getting over puberty I would say, been there done that.
The constant fight is in their head due to not wanting to show affection for the parent who's in charge,
The resentment of limit being put on you while when you're out with your friends you all agree with each other as you are all going through the same things


I was looking for the one they went round to Perrys house but this will have to do.
 
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Mellowfellow said:
I do try encouraging my friend to not fear the future, to apply for jobs etc and explained that nothing is certain so a certain tolerance of risk is necessary to have more than you currently have.
What's the saying, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results "
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I tried a number of times over the past 15 years but I have given up.

The way I see it, if there is nothing wrong with them and they are 30+ and still living at home with their parents. Then they need to have a serious think about which direction their life is going and dating under those circumstances, they can forget it! No woman is going to take them seriously.
 
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