movie script

robfosters;30496114 said:
Err, you do know a comedies supposed to make you laugh right?
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uh oh that's only four pages pal. try getting a laugh from hollywood movie script today. in most of them you won't even see one in entire movie.
 
Edrof;30496152 said:
I'm not going to pull my punches because you need to hear this. Great ideas are only 1% of the work a screenplay requires. I would describe your excerpt as pre-first draft so if you consider this anywhere near finished you need to rethink things. Areas that need work: spelling, grammar and punctuation, character voices need to be more logical and individualised, removal of baffling character actions (a 18-year-old 'playing in a garden'; a mafia tough-guy 'crying on the phone'), your omission of important words. Finally, you intend this to be feature-length yet the action moves too quickly with no time for the audience to invest in the characters.

Another point is that your main characters are 18 and middle-aged yet you want this to be a kids' film.

Writing takes a huge amount of work so don't be disheartened, but do be more self-critical.
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i'm just letting my creativity flow. i am not too bothered about details right now and nothing is set in stone. i can change things as i see fit.
 
The boy is 17 or 18 and they're watching him play in the back garden? What exactly is he doing?

Yeah hello.. This is old style Italian pizza. You’re speaking with Franko. I'm the boss here. What’s your business?
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Who answers the phone like that?

Why's the hippy hassling the woman for money?



And we'll ignore the cavalier approach to spelling and grammar for now, 'cos that's the least of your worries.
 
Ryan0r;30496180 said:
The boy is 17 or 18 and they're watching him play in the back garden? What exactly is he doing?


Who answers the phone like that?
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oh god seriously, this is suppose to a movie. this is not like your takeaway call. if you haven't understood the character, then i can't help you.
 
sajtion;30496193 said:
oh god seriously, this is suppose to a movie. this is not like your takeaway call. if you haven't understood the character, then i can't help you.
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If I haven't understood the character, then it's precisely your problem. Wouldn't you agree that movies require three-dimensional, well-written, layered characters? Unless you're aiming to just churn out derivative 2D stereotypes?
 
you're expecting too much when the script isn't even done yet. you seem to object how the character answers the phone. i told you its a movie. this is why i hate other people reading my work. everyone wants to suggest this and criticise that and it just gets out control. you can't please everyone and that's why movies have good and bad reviews and not everyone finds same things funny or amusing but for me personally there is no right and wrong in script. i just just write all i can, then rewrite, review and change until i perfect it. it's not finished because its still work in progress all the time and since i enjoy it i don't worry about technical bits either that are totally irrelevant
 
As has previously been stated many times, if you want your script to be made, it'll have to be read, in various stages of completion, by many people. Feedback is always good when producing anything, particularly literary/written work. If you don't like said feedback and choose to ignore it, be it on thine own head.

You will have to eventually "worry about the technical bits" too. I'll throw away a CV that's riddled with grammatical and spelling errors, I bet everyone will do the same with a script. Anything written down can be rendered impregnable if it's difficult to read, so if you want people to give anything time of day, this must be nailed down.

Do you have anything more refined and completed we can read in that case, to get a better idea?
 
sajtion;30496214 said:
you're expecting too much when the script isn't even done yet. you seem to object how the character answers the phone. i told you its a movie. this is why i hate other people reading my work. everyone wants to suggest this and criticise that and it just gets out control. you can't please everyone and that's why movies have good and bad reviews and not everyone finds same things funny or amusing but for me personally there is no right and wrong in script. i just just write all i can, then rewrite, review and change until i perfect it. it's not finished because its still work in progress all the time and since i enjoy it i don't worry about technical bits either that are totally irrelevant
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When I asked for an excerpt you could have posted anything from your portfolio - why post something nebulous? Also, you should want readers for your work as their input is crucial. It's great that you enjoy writing.

Have you looked into writing treatments? It helps greatly when formulating a script. I can post one of mine if you like.
 
Are you translating from non english to english becuase most of it sounds weird, you need to write in your native language, and if you native language is english then dont bother
 
I'm so glad this is a comedy because I've been sat here trying not to wet myself for the last 10 minutes. My ribs are almost literally splitting :p

HIPPY

Buzz of fat boy, this has nothing to do with you

Franko walk to his car and takes a bag from his trunk. He approaches the hippy and pulls it over his head and body all the way and ties the bag.
As he is walking away

FRANKO

Don’t worry mam. I will sort this

WOMEN

Oh thank you lord, May you bless this man
He carry’s the bag on his shoulder to his car

HIPPY

Let me go
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What sort of bag?
 
ext / day / 1cam close profile

JOEY

I have a son, you know? I ... he's ... he plays with those boys. I don't like them.

MARTHA

[vacant, smile painted on]

Are they nice boys?

[sighs, puts cigarette in ashtray]

Are they nice Joey? Is he okay?

JOEY

[visibly upset, close to anger]

All these questions. Of course he's okay. Why wouldn't he be okay? Why? Why suggest th-

MARTHA

[facing Joey, calm]

All these questions.

[turns away, takes cigarette from pack, lights]

JOEY

I heard he was okay.

_______________________

I would not watch this movie if you paid me a million buttcoins.
 
OP have you ever takin a relevant course/evening class?

I mean perhaps that might be a better place to start.

Maybe try to collaborate with people - write a short film, short play and see how that is received. If you're unable to do that then your chance of making a full movie seems pretty remote.

The idea of simply jumping into this, writing something and then having some studio buy it and make a movie is, to put it bluntly, rather far fetched.
 
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