OcUK Hivemind, am I in the wrong?

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:26

Getting some flak on this one but I can't grasp that I'm in the wrong.

I have a sister, my partner has a brother. Both have their own partners. Each year at Christmas we alternate between our parents for Christmas Dinner.

For example, this year we are due at my parents, my sister at her partners parents and my partners brother at their parents.

Everyone is happy. Everyone has family there for Christmas Dinner.

This year however my partners brother has decided last minute he's not going to spend it with his parents. This means they'll be alone.

My partner has asked if we could have them round at ours, no problem except my mum suffers severe social anxiety, particularly when eating. This therefore means my mum is either going to have a nightmare of a time or can't come.

I've therefore said we shouldn't change the plans and pattern that has been in place for years. She's kicking off with me saying I'm being selfish and making her parents have to have Dinner alone.

I think her brother is the one at fault in this scenario.

Who's right? Is there an alternative?

Dyson · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:28

Her brother is the one in the wrong, definitely.

You're obviously on a hiding to nothing though, so best of luck!

GinG · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:29

I mean Covid is still around...

montymint · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:29

What I and the other half do is have lunch at one parents and tea at the other and swap each year.

Not ideal for you, but it would mean spending time with both sets of parents.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:32

montymint said:
What I and the other half do is have lunch at one parents and tea at the other and swap each year.

Not ideal for you, but it would mean spending time with both sets of parents.

We alternate with Christmas day and boxing day, so we'd be with her parents for boxing day.

vanpeebles · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:33

You stay at yer mams for xmas, and she can stay with hers

Stu999 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:33

YABU. What does it matter to you what the brother does?

Have your partner's parents over in the evening or visit them in the evening instead? Or even for breakfast?

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:37

Stu999 said:
YABU. What does it matter to you what the brother does?

Have your partner's parents over in the evening or visit them in the evening instead? Or even for breakfast?

It matters because he's the one breaking the pattern and therefore causing the problem.

Breakfast and the evening are not of relevance, I'm talking about Christmas Dinner.

Stu999 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:40

Dis86 said:
It matters because he's the one breaking the pattern and therefore causing the problem.

Breakfast and the evening are not of relevance, I'm talking about Christmas Dinner.

What happens if someone is ill one year or otherwise indisposed and 'breaks the pattern'?

Ahleckz · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:42

vanpeebles said:
You stay at yer mams for xmas, and she can stay with hers

this seems the obvious thing. She sees her parents and you see yours.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:42

Stu999 said:
What happens if someone is ill one year or otherwise indisposed and 'breaks the pattern'?

Thats an unfortunate event and not a conscious decision. Albeit the outcome is likely to be the same. He has made a choice to leave her parents alone this year.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:45

Ahleckz said:
this seems the obvious thing. She sees her parents and you see yours.

Thats a solution but means I'm unable to have Christmas Dinner with my partner. Which sucks.

FoxEye · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:46

Dis86 said:
...

She's kicking off with me saying I'm being selfish and making her parents have to have Dinner alone.

Ignoring the brother in law completely, can't you just tell her she's being selfish expecting your mum to endure her severe social anxiety?

I mean, you won't win, but at least you can win some moral high ground before you inevitably have to concede to keep the peace

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:48

FoxEye said:
Ignoring the brother in law completely, can't you just tell her she's being selfish expecting your mum to endure her severe social anxiety?

I mean, you won't win, but at least you can win some moral high ground before you inevitably have to concede to keep the peace

Already done it. I think that's why she's not speaking to me

Ayahuasca · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:49

Get yer mom absolutely stottin drunk to cope.

Stu999 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:49

Dis86 said:
Thats an unfortunate event and not a conscious decision. Albeit the outcome is likely to be the same. He has made a choice to leave her parents alone this year.

What do her parents think about it?

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:51

Stu999 said:
What do her parents think about it?

Not seen them yet, lockdown etc.

Zefan · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:53

dl8860 · 2 Dec 2020 at 19:17

Has your mum expressly said she doesn't want your partner's parents to come? Or have you made that determination yourself?

If the former then you are on solid ground, you can't really compromise with your mum being comfortable or not in her own home.

If it's the latter then I see why you are coming in for flak.

Doug2507 · 2 Dec 2020 at 19:19

It's not fair putting your mum in an uncomfortable situation if she'll be genuinely upset over it. Ask your mum if she'd be OK with it, that's you're golden ticket. If she says no then the wife's got no grounds for being in a huff and needs to sort it out with her brother.

OcUK Hivemind, am I in the wrong?

Pet Northerner