OcUK Hivemind, am I in the wrong?

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:26

Getting some flak on this one but I can't grasp that I'm in the wrong.

I have a sister, my partner has a brother. Both have their own partners. Each year at Christmas we alternate between our parents for Christmas Dinner.

For example, this year we are due at my parents, my sister at her partners parents and my partners brother at their parents.

Everyone is happy. Everyone has family there for Christmas Dinner.

This year however my partners brother has decided last minute he's not going to spend it with his parents. This means they'll be alone.

My partner has asked if we could have them round at ours, no problem except my mum suffers severe social anxiety, particularly when eating. This therefore means my mum is either going to have a nightmare of a time or can't come.

I've therefore said we shouldn't change the plans and pattern that has been in place for years. She's kicking off with me saying I'm being selfish and making her parents have to have Dinner alone.

I think her brother is the one at fault in this scenario.

Who's right? Is there an alternative?

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:32

montymint said:
What I and the other half do is have lunch at one parents and tea at the other and swap each year.

Not ideal for you, but it would mean spending time with both sets of parents.

We alternate with Christmas day and boxing day, so we'd be with her parents for boxing day.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:37

Stu999 said:
YABU. What does it matter to you what the brother does?

Have your partner's parents over in the evening or visit them in the evening instead? Or even for breakfast?

It matters because he's the one breaking the pattern and therefore causing the problem.

Breakfast and the evening are not of relevance, I'm talking about Christmas Dinner.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:42

Stu999 said:
What happens if someone is ill one year or otherwise indisposed and 'breaks the pattern'?

Thats an unfortunate event and not a conscious decision. Albeit the outcome is likely to be the same. He has made a choice to leave her parents alone this year.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:45

Ahleckz said:
this seems the obvious thing. She sees her parents and you see yours.

Thats a solution but means I'm unable to have Christmas Dinner with my partner. Which sucks.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:48

FoxEye said:
Ignoring the brother in law completely, can't you just tell her she's being selfish expecting your mum to endure her severe social anxiety?

I mean, you won't win, but at least you can win some moral high ground before you inevitably have to concede to keep the peace

Already done it. I think that's why she's not speaking to me

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 18:51

Stu999 said:
What do her parents think about it?

Not seen them yet, lockdown etc.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 19:19

dl8860 said:
Has your mum expressly said she doesn't want your partner's parents to come? Or have you made that determination yourself?

If the former then you are on solid ground, you can't really compromise with your mum being comfortable or not in her own home.

If it's the latter then I see why you are coming in for flak.

I'd have them both round here so that's not the issue. We could easily accommodate everyone. I've not mentioned it to my mum as simply put i know and understand her problems and if I put this on her she'd likely suffer an anxiety attack.

Dis86 · 2 Dec 2020 at 22:28

SaBBz said:
If you saw her parents on Boxing Day, after they'd seen her brother and you'd seen your mum on Christmas day then you'd be breaking the '3 households' bubble anyway... So probably lucky he cancelled!

Existing support bubbles count as one household. Additionally I would only be meeting 2 other households. As would they. Just happen to have different bubbles.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 00:42

Psycho Sonny said:
What's the problem?

So your saying that the brother in law has to follow the schedule for the rest of his life and not allowed to deviate from it?

I think he has the right to choose what he does with his own life.

There is nobody in the wrong here.

Says the man who recently said asian families are better because they're closer

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 00:46

Psycho Sonny said:
What's that got to do with the price of cheese?

Plus in the Asian family you wouldn't have this stupid scenario in the first place where everyone avoids each other and this couple have to go to this house and this couple to that house and then switch around every year.

So you just made my point even better.

Because if they were as awesomely close as your uber asian families then he wouldn't leave his parents alone at Christmas, would he?
And its not a question of avoidance...the very fact that you think it is yet again shows your tenuous grasp on the topics at hand.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 07:47

SaBBz said:
Support bubbles are fine, but bubbles cannot be extended - if you meet someone they become part of your bubble as do any other households they/you see before and after.

I expect most people are going to ignore that though...

We wouldn't be extending. No group would meet more than 2 other households.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 07:48

jpaul said:
Isn't the question whether you should be seeing either parents, even if Boris says OK, virus isn't taking time-off, let alone potentially mixing them/parents. ?
with parents in their 50s+ would they want to be mixed ?.

And this is one of the issues. Her brother has seen her parents for childcare purposes so they've already had that interaction. We've not seen them.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 09:46

vanpeebles said:
A good selection would see said maverick shot down in flames, no?

Top references sir!

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 11:46

sanaxe1 said:
Do your parents live close to her parents!? Accept going to her parents house. Stay a while and say your popping to the toilet. Then jump in your car and see your parents for a while and say your just getting their present you have left in your car and back to the partners parents you go. Keep this up until you run out of ideas to leave or they got suspicious. I've seen this work in films and TV shows so I'm 78% sure you will be able to pull it off.

Not really, about 30 miles apart I'm afraid! Plus I can only really fit in one Christmas Dinner.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 11:46

Burned_Alive said:
What is the reason for her brother not wanting to spend Christmas with them?

Just spending it at home with his partner and kid.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 12:18

Roar87 said:
You know you aren't in the wrong, you don't need to come here for confirmation

I really didn't. The way she was going on i was thinking I must be missing something!

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 13:15

james.miller said:
A whole half hour's drive?

More like an hour but seeing as that's not conductive for sneaking between the two...

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 13:19

james.miller said:
A whole hour????

seriously though, sneaking really? you're an adult. Be an adult. Put your foot down and mange your time.

I have...I suggest you read what I was replying to.

Dis86 · 3 Dec 2020 at 13:47

jpaul said:
probably relevant :
unless he's on his own, could be an indication of addtional infection possibility, or, even,
plot twist - he is concerned about infecting them, who is the bad guy now ?

As I've already stated he sees them because they look after his kid. They're going to his on the morning to see their grandchild.
So no, not an issue.