Please tell me im being stupid

knip said:
Can I give you some advice on the situation with getting the kids to sleep, and believe me I do this for a living so I know however harsh it sounds it needs to be doing.

They need to learn to get themselves to sleep, not have Mummy lying there with them, and as its Mum they are used to having get them off to sleep, then you are the perfect one to be able to do this.
When its bedtime, spend the half hour before bed doing something relaxing or quiet, not winding them up so theyre hyper when they need to sleep. Maybe sit there reading a book, make sure your wife is downstairs with her feet up so they cant see her.

Then you say "its time to go to bed now" and you tuck them in and leave (maybe get a nightlight so they arent on their own in the dark) and when they start crying try your very hardest to ignore it. They know that crying gets them what they want, hence why they do it.

If they get out of bed, pick them up, tell them its bedtime and calmly put them back. You might have to do this a lot of times, and there will be tears, but eventually they will get the hint and go to bed. It might take a week or two of crying, but like I said they need to learn to get themselves to sleep and at the moment your wife is just taking the easy way out by lying in bed with them but not really solving the problem. And the reason ive said for you to do it, is partly so she gets a rest (dont let her come up and help!) and also because they associate bedtime with her, and therefore if they see her, they will think they are getting a cuddle to sleep again.

Please dont take this as an attack on either of you, but as I said I do this for a living and kids are crafty little devils. Eventually it means they will just go to bed, with no fuss and you and the wife get your evenings together.
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Thats good advice, we pretty much tried the same thing in the past, we leave the landing light on so its not dark in thier bedroom. Problem is when we ignore them they get out of bed and come shouting at the top of the stairs, if we ignore them then they come downstairs. Weve tried taking the TV out of the room all sorts but they just grind us down. Instead of relaxing kez just gets worked up and ends up either venting at me or the kids :(

Looks like its all irrellevant anyhow because shes rung this morning and shes not coming home today, shes on about having a week ot two away at her mums so she isnt coming home yet at all :(

Just dont know what to do now, i feel very deflated. I hate being in this house alone and worse thing is today was meant to be shopping day so im going have to go hungry as well :(
 
MeatLoaf said:
Thats good advice, we pretty much tried the same thing in the past, we leave the landing light on so its not dark in thier bedroom. Problem is when we ignore them they get out of bed and come shouting at the top of the stairs, if we ignore them then they come downstairs. Weve tried taking the TV out of the room all sorts but they just grind us down. Instead of relaxing kez just gets worked up and ends up either venting at me or the kids :(
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But grinding you down is what they want to do, cos then they know you will cave in and get what they want. Screaming and shouting at them is no good either (as hard as it sounds) because thats just teaching them that its acceptable behaviour and then will then scream and shout back.
And get the telly out of the room permanently. Heck, go sell it so you can eat today.
 
Tellys in my room today, not worth selling it must be as old as i am :(

I'll have to go to my parents. Im scared to tell them whats happned as it took them over a year to accept her back last time, all they will do is shout and blame me for streesing them

I told kez about my heath thing and she thinks im making it up which didnt make me feel to good. I could hear my kids in the background and ive got to say if it wasnt for them id probably have cracked up totally.

Mum and dad have got a spare room now as well i could live there if all else fails but i couldnt have my kids overnight then and my chances of meeting someone else would be zero. I just dont see a way out at the moment
 
Sorry to hear of your hassles mate.
First of all, don’t self-diagnose, that’s just contributing to making yourself more stressed. Get to the GP today and find out exactly what’s wrong – it’s most likely nothing but you must get yourself to the GP.

I’ve no idea what you do for a living, or what employment is like in your area but surely you can get some different work elsewhere? Getting a new fulltime job will give you tons of confidence and you’ll not only be able to earn more money, you’ll meet new people too. That may sound simplistic, but commiting a few hours a day to find a new job will help boost your confidence, it’ll be hard work, but it’ll keep you from falling into a depressive rut, and that helps no one.

Hopefully your parents will have a bit more compassion and won’t just shout at you, I’m sure they’re not as bad as you think – go and talk to them, you could certainly do with some TLC at the moment.

Hope it all works out, but take this opportunity to get out there and make a better life for yourself mate.
 
Sounds like one of those situtaions when being Mr Nice guy gets you nothing.
Bend over backwards to give your kids a mellow life & they take the ****. Be reasonable with the Missus & rather than her appreciate it she takes the **** an all. I think it's time for you to make a Serious stand.
For starters who does she think she is taking your kids anywhere ? If she wants to be unreasonable & go running back to mum any time she thinks it will be easier let her but the kids can quite easily stay with you. At least that way they can continue there education & keep in touch with there friends. Kids need a Settled life not to be bounced between whatever family gives them what they want.
Sounds like she is smoking whilst pregnant as well which is a Crime in my eyes :mad:
I s'pose nobody says owt about that at her mums a :mad:
I am a Fair man but i have to be hard with you here mate & just hope you understand & recognise i do have Good intentions & am not just steaming in.
Get the kids back home where they belong & sort the finances out so that they are based around whoever has the house & the kids, as in You.
Take control & do it Now & stop fussing around like a woman, Act like a man & You be the father to your kids.
If that woman put your kids first then she wouldn't be smoking & if she doesn't put the kids first then You take over.
Don't forget the money she gets off the government is to keep the kids & the house, Therefore if you have the kids & the house it should be You that gets it. She should not be leaving you with the house costs & swanning off to mums doing whatever she likes with the money.

Knip is Bang on with the sleep advice as i did exactly the same thing with my Jazmine, Her mum put her to bed for the first 2 years & it was a nightmare that dragged on till past 10 every single night. In the end i said Right that's it I am taking over. I went upstairs read her a book then kissed her good night then went & stood outside the door. As soon as i heard her climbing i just walked back in & layed her down tucked her in & kissed her good night again, this went on around 20 times until she just lay there sobbing but not climbing out & she fell asleep, Next night i only had to re lay her twice & after that never. After a week or so i let her Mum put her to bed again but any fuss & i told her straight, You want me or your mother to put you to bed, Eeeerrr Mum Please Dad :D
Some times the Man just has to take over for the good of all & throw his weight about. Not hitting or shouting but just being Firm & unwavable, If Dad says something that is that or Else sort of thing. This shouldn't take over from the Mums control but add to it & help make her job easier.
 
MeatLoaf said:
All the hours there is at the moment, it was either accept reduced hours or not work at all :(
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Maybe find a different job? £60 a week isn't really enough to raise a small family, let alone a wife and four kids.
 
malc30 said:
Sounds like one of those situtaions when being Mr Nice guy gets you nothing.
Bend over backwards to give your kids a mellow life & they take the ****. Be reasonable with the Missus & rather than her appreciate it she takes the **** an all. I think it's time for you to make a Serious stand.
For starters who does she think she is taking your kids anywhere ? If she wants to be unreasonable & go running back to mum any time she thinks it will be easier let her but the kids can quite easily stay with you. At least that way they can continue there education & keep in touch with there friends. Kids need a Settled life not to be bounced between whatever family gives them what they want.
Sounds like she is smoking whilst pregnant as well which is a Crime in my eyes :mad:
I s'pose nobody says owt about that at her mums a :mad:
I am a Fair man but i have to be hard with you here mate & just hope you understand & recognise i do have Good intentions & am not just steaming in.
Get the kids back home where they belong & sort the finances out so that they are based around whoever has the house & the kids, as in You.
Take control & do it Now & stop fussing around like a woman, Act like a man & You be the father to your kids.
If that woman put your kids first then she wouldn't be smoking & if she doesn't put the kids first then You take over.
Don't forget the money she gets off the government is to keep the kids & the house, Therefore if you have the kids & the house it should be You that gets it. She should not be leaving you with the house costs & swanning off to mums doing whatever she likes with the money.

Knip is Bang on with the sleep advice as i did exactly the same thing with my Jazmine, Her mum put her to bed for the first 2 years & it was a nightmare that dragged on till past 10 every single night. In the end i said Right that's it I am taking over. I went upstairs read her a book then kissed her good night then went & stood outside the door. As soon as i heard her climbing i just walked back in & layed her down tucked her in & kissed her good night again, this went on around 20 times until she just lay there sobbing but not climbing out & she fell asleep, Next night i only had to re lay her twice & after that never. After a week or so i let her Mum put her to bed again but any fuss & i told her straight, You want me or your mother to put you to bed, Eeeerrr Mum Please Dad :D
Some times the Man just has to take over for the good of all & throw his weight about. Not hitting or shouting but just being Firm & unwavable, If Dad says something that is that or Else sort of thing. This shouldn't take over from the Mums control but add to it & help make her job easier.
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Shes rang this morning, shes gone over to see her brothers in telford, she had thast already arranged so i wasnt to suprised.

Ive just text and said id give her space and im here if she needs me, and to give my love to the kids. So the balls very much in her court now

I doubt her mum has said anything to her i just wish she would see that taking the kids here and there isnt the answer. They were settled here, they loved the school and have lots of friends. Theres simply not room for them all to stay. The sofa is fine for one night but theres no way she can do it permanantly. She thinks going to her mum is the answer but its not, as she has taken the main cause of her stress with her - the kids. And if she thinks being a single mother of 4 will be easy then i know it wont, its hard enough as a couple.

Ive confided in a mutual friend of ours and got a womans point of view. she seems to agree with me but said ishould just give her space and in time she will be back

I just hope she sees sense thats all. Im going to busy myself by rearranging furnature and going to my mates Kids start school thursday and got dentist on friday, so really its got to be tomorrow when she comes back if she does come back
 
:( This just isn't right. I am genuinely saddened by this. Hate to say it but looks like you need a divorce lawyer: someone said earlier that the nice guy is getting pooed all over. That is wrong. Just wrong. you are the nice guy, and I'd hate to see this going pear-shaped for you.
Courage!

Voltar.
 
MeatLoaf said:
But with the tax credits and child benefit she gets its enough to get bill paid and sort the family out.
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Come on mate, that's no reason to not go and find a better paying job, think of the opportunities that can come with a new, higher paying job. Do that for yourself if nothing else.

Have you made an appointment with the GP to talk about your self-diagnosis? This is very important. Forget re-arranging furniture, get a CV sorted, have a look on-line for jobs and get an appointment at the doctors.

Make this period of uncertainty work for you, look at it as a great opportunity to move on, you can do it mate!
 
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robbiemc said:
Come on mate, that's no reason to not go and find a better paying job, think of the opportunities that can come with a new, higher paying job. Do that for yourself if nothing else.

Have you made an appointment with the GP to talk about your self-diagnosis? This is very important. Forget re-arranging furniture, get a CV sorted, have a look on-line for jobs and get an appointment at the doctors.

Make this period of uncertainty work for you, look at it as a great opportunity to move on, you can do it mate!
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Give your wife some space and get yourself sorted out!

If you can both come back with a clear head then all the better for both of you. Her hormones are probably causing her grief at the moment, and she has said she feels she cant please you. You just need to keep telling her, that she is enough.

I know how you feel about not seeing the kids and that must be tough, just see if you can get some food in the house, pick them up and take them home for a day or so, and spend some quality time with the kids, this will also let her get her head together and give her a break. Look after her needs as well as yours.

Hope it all works out for you, it saddens me to read this!
 
Well she knows i was at the mutual friends and shes had a right go at me saying i shouldnt be involving her friends. She thinks i was trying to make her look stupid. Thats just not true i was just seeing if shed hinted to anyone at all over this.

She text her and said Hes only there for the sympathy vote, i was there for the company more than anything, i was a wreck, in fact i still am. And she ended the txt by saying shes not coming back :(

I have spoke to her since and i asked if she thinks its fair to rip the kids home apart and to take them 20 miles from thier friends and thier family, and she simply replied by saying, do you think its fair that im unhappy everyday. I asked why she was unhappy and she just says she dosent know :(
 
I'm sure you're a nice guy, but from what i've read you sound a bit like a wet fish.

Your wife seems to be wearing the trousers, which is probably the root cause of the problems.

4 kids and in you're in a part time job bringing home £60 a week because "that's the only hours available", that's not even 5k a year. Time to stop stacking shelves at 32 and get yourself a real job.

Show you can be the dominant one in the relationship, show you can have control of the kids!

Does she end up getting more than you due to her benefits? Bad situation to be in if so.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but get yourself in order. Chin up, hope your health improves and good luck for the future! :)
 
PaulStat said:
I'm sure you're a nice guy, but from what i've read you sound a bit like a wet fish.

Your wife seems to be wearing the trousers, which is probably the root cause of the problems.

4 kids and in you're in a part time job bringing home £60 a week because "that's the only hours available", that's not even 5k a year. Time to stop stacking shelves at 32 and get yourself a real job.

Show you can be the dominant one in the relationship, show you can have control of the kids!

Does she end up getting more than you due to her benefits? Bad situation to be in if so.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but get yourself in order. Chin up, hope your health improves and good luck for the future! :)
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I'm afraid I have to agree, and was about to post something similar.
I think I'll leave this thread now as although I've tried to offer some options out of this situation: improving your life by getting a new job, and reducing the stress of this mystery illness by going to the GP, you seem to prefer to ignore this and take the easy option and wallow in self pity.

To give some 'credence' to my post I'll briefly post my situation: Despite putting myself in a wheelchair at 17 (and being totally paralysed from the chest down), I looked after my mother until she died. Yet despite the statistics that the majority of spinally injured people don't carry on with work (and my own ongoing health issues), I've always been in work and am currently pulling in a great salary.

I'm no saint, but am proud of myself for carrying on.

Come on mate, life's hard, and now is the time to prove to yourself - and your kids - that you've got what it take to battle on, not just to give up.
 
Not good at all tbh.

If she won't tell you why she's unhappy, it can't be a good sign.

I'd suggest that you put yourself first, sort your health out at a GP at the very least.
Then I'd contact your lawyer and look for a new job. Are you on good terms with her brother (where she is atm?) if so ask him what he makes of it and get an honest response off him.

To be honest from an impartial point of view she can't be worth it if she treats you with such disdain :(

Put yourself first, then work something out about your children in an amicable way. If you can't; call the law brigade in and make her play ball. Sounds like she's not coming back so you'll have to hope she either comes around or make sure you put up a fight for your children.

Having said that, if they are in the eyes of a divorce settlement, better off with her then ... I don't know what to say :(

So sorry it's happening so fast and so unpleasantly :(
 
PaulStat said:
I'm sure you're a nice guy, but from what i've read you sound a bit like a wet fish.

Your wife seems to be wearing the trousers, which is probably the root cause of the problems.

4 kids and in you're in a part time job bringing home £60 a week because "that's the only hours available", that's not even 5k a year. Time to stop stacking shelves at 32 and get yourself a real job.

Show you can be the dominant one in the relationship, show you can have control of the kids!

Does she end up getting more than you due to her benefits? Bad situation to be in if so.

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but get yourself in order. Chin up, hope your health improves and good luck for the future! :)
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Yeah she does mate, she will get about £150 a week. But even tho my jobs only a few hours its a job and until i get another im stuck with it.

I wouldnt say she wears the trousers, in fact just the opposite, and i think that may be some of the problem, ,aybe she feels i dont give her enough responsibilty with the houshoold finances and the shopping, even ive said many times she can do it.

I dunno, im on the lookout for a new job, or a 2nd job to go with my current one as i cant live here on £60 alone. Maybe i could get a lodger or a housemate but that would make it difficult to have the kids.

I just hope she thinks about things over the next few days and realises just what shes doing
 
robbiemc said:
I'm afraid I have to agree, and was about to post something similar.
I think I'll leave this thread now as although I've tried to offer some options out of this situation: improving your life by getting a new job, and reducing the stress of this mystery illness by going to the GP, you seem to prefer to ignore this and take the easy option and wallow in self pity.

To give some 'credence' to my post I'll briefly post my situation: Despite putting myself in a wheelchair at 17 (and being totally paralysed from the chest down), I looked after my mother until she died. Yet despite the statistics that the majority of spinally injured people don't carry on with work (and my own ongoing health issues), I've always been in work and am currently pulling in a great salary.

I'm no saint, but am proud of myself for carrying on.

Come on mate, life's hard, and now is the time to prove to yourself - and your kids - that you've got what it take to battle on, not just to give up.
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Yeah im going to see the GP just to put my mind at rest, it hasnt happened since so hopefully i will be ok.

I know i'll be ok - after all i was when she left before, i managed for a good many months

She wouldnt stop me from having the kids, she never did before so i wont lose them completley but its still hard when i have to say goodbye.

Im going to give it a few weeks and if nothings changed then i will have to call in the divorce lawyers again.
 
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