1) Before I start - I normally don't read the episode descriptions before watching, but I did this week. "Tilly and Adira lead a team of Starfleet Academy cadets on a training mission that takes a dangerous turn. Meanwhile, Burnham is pulled into tense negotiations on Ni'Var." I am filled with no confidence at all in this episode being even vaguely alright.
2) "Previously on..."
3) SMG murders narration of Captain's Log. No surprise there.
4) *strangled screaming*
5) A conveniently-timed illness for Vance so now Burnham gets to be the representative between Federation and Ni'Var? Either that was the best the writers could do, or something else is going on.
6) But since all she has to do is stay quiet she can't screw things up. Right? Right???
7) Culber counselling Tilly.
8) Who wants to change her career path.
9) Vague approximation of cute scene between Adira and Gray.
10) They roped Cronenberg back into this arse gravy
11) Bored. Bored. Bored.
12) Tilly exposition for the mission briefing.
13) In all her Tillyness.
14) *more strangled screaming*
15) *all the strangled screaming*
16) In case you couldn't tell, I'm not really enjoying myself here.
17) Here comes the plot.
18) While the theme drones on, I shall briefly entertain the idea of killing myself.
19) Episode bodycount:
01.
20) Sadly, his death is utterly in vain as we've been given no reason to care.
21) The gamma ray burst (*sigh*) has sent them crashing onto a different moon/planetoid than the one they were aiming for. Predictably.
22) Orion dude asking if this is a sim. Because the writers are hacks and love to mine every trope in existence.
23) And now a spot of interpersonal conflict. Because writers, hacks, tropes.
24) If they wanted us to even possibly care about the guy who died, these intros should have been before that.
25) Meanwhile, on Ni'Var.
26) Prez Rillak talking about how Ni'Var joining the Federation is a done deal. Episode isn't halfway through yet, so I somehow doubt that.
27) T'Rina with the bombshell.
28) Trek As Social Commentary.
29) So much for Burnham keeping her trap shut.
30) Here comes the other plot.
31) Culber counselling Book.
32) A scene that almost worked. Wonders never cease.
33) Saru putting some feelers out with T'Rina.
34) Who is quite obviously hiding something.
35) Rillak doing everything but outright saying "help us Michael Burnham, you're our only hope"
36) Confirmation from 5) then that Vance's illness was made up.
37) Back in cadet country.
38) The hopeless situation remains hopeless.
39) A spot more interpersonal conflict.
40) There be lifeforms here.
41) ShakyCam™.
42) With a jump scare for good measure.
43) Exposition.
44) Boredom.
45) Culber continues to counsel Book.
46) Some lovely work from David Ajala, really.
47) Saru meeting with T'Rina again.
48) Trek As Social Commentary some more.
49) God, it's a frustrating show this. You get these little moments where the acting is great, the dialogue doesn't make you want to retch and you think it's actually showing promise...
50) ...and then Burnham shows up again.
51) Meanwhile on the ice moon.
52) My local pub has a dog named Tilly. She's a labradoodle of sorts, basically looks like a small labrador with a poodle-ish coat. It's funny, when she gets her coat cut back in summer it removes all traces of poodle from her look and just makes her look like a young pure labrador. She's possibly the nicest natured pub dog I've ever come across. Ever so gentle when taking food or treats - with the landlady's permission - from you.
53) I only mention her because talking about her is at least 348.2% more interesting than what's going on in this episode right now.
54) There's a bunch of shouting and encouragement and I'm sure the writers intended this to be exciting. But it really isn't.
55) Trek As Social Commentary, again.
56) Tilly being Tilly.
57) Back to Ni'Var.
58) Witless dialogue from Burnham.
59) Who proposes herself as the solution.
60) Because she's Michael Burnham, Galactic Hero, Famed In Song And Story™
61) I think I'd very much like everyone involved in running this show to **** right off.
62) Tilly pulling a Burnham and doing the hero thing.
63) The first JJTrek film did the 'monster chases the character on the ice world' thing already.
64) Cadets, Tilly and Adira rescued at last second. No tropes left untouched.
65) A spot more Cronenberg.
66) Witless dialogue.
67) More witless dialogue.
68) This is all stupid and terrible and I hate it.
69)
70) Ni'Var joins the Federation.
71) Episode walks into itself with an audible clunk as T'Rina is revealed to be the one who gave Rillak a heads-up that the exit clause rubbish was coming. Yet Another Plot Non-Twist™, brought to you by the moment at 34).
72) God am I glad this episode is nearly over.
73) Culber continues to counsel Book some more.
74) Book opens the door to counselling Culber.
75) Witless dialogue between Burnham and Tilly.
76) Well, it's alternating between witless and vaguely okay.
77) Title drop.
78) Tilly off to the Academy.