Poll: Terrible joke thread

Here's some real Science

  • Ban Op

    Votes: 31 28.2%

  • Ban everyone in thread

    Votes: 53 48.2%

  • Pancake

    Votes: 26 23.6%
  • Total voters
    110
  • Poll closed .
howiepoohs said:
Two nuns in the bath, one says "Where's the soap?" the other replies "yes it does rather."

What pleasures to Monks get?
Nun

Two nuns are riding bikes through the vatican city. One turns to the other and says "I've never come this way before." and the other replies "That's the cobblestones."
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Is that the same two nuns who were singing Benny diktus :p

Nuns always go around in pairs, one nun sees the other nun gets nun
 
Rids said:
The results have just come back from Bruce Forsyth's autopsy - Doctors have revealed he died from a seizure. Nice to seizure to seizure nice.


Too far?
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Wow I didn't realise that he died till I read this post

Also has a mod accidentally merged two threads together because i don't remember making this post here?
Chuk_Chuk said:
I must admit i didn't read the whole thing but, where did you copy and paste that from?
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Haggisman said:
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.
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Careful dude. I got given a 2-day suspension for an Irish joke that I posted a couple of months back. Apparently Irish jokes are racist now, but I don't know why, so I'm not going to hit the report button. In Ireland, they tell Kerryman jokes. In another country it might be jokes about the French and so on...
 
A nun gets up in the morning and leaves and walks down the corridor and another nun says to her "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She carries on and another nun says "You got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!" and this happens 15 times and she is livid. She meets the mother superior and the mother superior is about to open her mouth and the nun angrily says "Don't tell me I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
The mother superior says "I wasn't going to say that, I was going to ask why you are wearing the bishop's shoes."
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little scamp. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
 
A man walks into a bar, sits at the bar and orders a pint. It's very quiet - he's the only customer.

From off to his side, he hears a voice saying "Nice shirt. It looks good on you."

Surprised, he looks in the direction of the voice. Nobody there. Just a bar with a bowl of peanuts on it.

The bartender sees him looking and explains: "The peanuts are complimentary".
 
Whitewater said:
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little scamp. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
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Thats the best so far :D.
 
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so the juggler stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
 
Big Spender said:
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so the juggler stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
Click to expand...

.... this genuinely made me laugh.
 
Been annoying my mates mum recently by tickling his youngest brothers feet at night. Apparently I should wait until he's born first
 
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.

I had nasty accident today but I'm OK. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse OK and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! I have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the carousel.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his attention. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of
the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant."If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant...
"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
 
Werner Heisenberg is driving down the motorway when he is pulled over by the police. The policeman says to him: "Do you know how fast you were going?" and Heisenberg replies: " No, but I know exactly where I am.".
 
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