I should've asked earlier, but I always struggle to ask for help as I feel like it's never there, (talking overall, not MH). I just need to be grounded and think, but I've noticed/ realised or I've noticed on my own notes/thoughts and in therapy that I am often confused with emotions. But it may just be anxiety playing it's role, over thinking and losing track of reality.
Anyway. My job is considered good by others, so much leeway, no responsibility, barely anything to do and I pass the 4 days away with ease. It's also secure. I work next to where I live too. But this place I think may have set off my burnout with life, for varying reasons(?), mostly the shear amount of people I have to negotiate around each day. Whilst my brain probably is rotting away here too, I've never had a mentally challenging job before and I feel I didn't have this specific issue before either, so I'm not convinced that it's the lack of responsibility. I can enjoy some days, and many personal interactions here can be fun. Some conversations are awkward and a real struggle, and I can't help but think this takes its toll too, if not the actual reason.
I have a job interview Tuesday, after 5 days away from work, so I should be pretty level headed by then. It seems an alright job, away from too many interactions, working alone, responsibilities, working at a variety of locations locally, maybe less pay. I'm just not convinced that this will be the silver bullet to fix me, or give me some oomph that will start positivity. I think i have learned to act positive over recent years though.
In order for me to make a rational decision if I'm offered a job, I need to try and understand if my frustrations are from work, or my life, I think? I have had lots of jobs and they never lasted more than 4yrs. I have had outbursts of bad behaviour or lashing out in the past, and have felt myself leaning towards it again. I don't know if my current job would ever come up again here, so when I leave that might be that. People generally don't leave, but a few have left due to the shear mundane world and slowness. Job decisions are always hard, but when I got this job I thought that was it, I landed something good finally, something that I could work hard at whilst having a life balance.
I should also add that other issues in my life have caught up to me, or that I decided to acknowledge and try to fix them to be met with almost a brick wall. I have mentioned something of the sort previously here. The answers just don't come to me each time I ask myself. I have spent numerous hours sat or standing just thinking over the years, trying to rationalise my life, and just trying to understand what the hell I'm doing. I have done this driving 4hrs in one go, in silence. I also sat on a bench in the woods contemplating it all on a free trip to Czech Republic 10yrs+ years ago. Those are the most extreme examples though to highlight how disconnected I can be.
I have managed to fade away from all my mates for varying reasons, but they are still just about there, I just have no interest with them, and whilst I've never spoke to anyone about such things, I feel I still can't now. In fact when I did manage to hang out with one, he told me about numerous struggles which I already knew he had, and was in the process of making plans before he got found out, but I couldn't say anything my end, again just seemingly disconnected or unable to communicate.
