Top 20 best 'modern' Christmas cracker jokes

scorza · 15 Dec 2015 at 14:22

Each one genuinely funnier than Stewart Lee, apart from the last two.

Gilly · 15 Dec 2015 at 14:23

Alan Partridge and Ricky Gervais are both funnier than Stewart Lee.

That's not an achievement.

snips86x · 15 Dec 2015 at 14:30

Grandmaster Fap! said:
....they said i should kill myself.

Thanks Gilly!

I actually lol'd

Nix · 15 Dec 2015 at 14:41

snips86x said:
I actually lol'd

Bad jokes are no laughing matter.

ScarySquirrel · 15 Dec 2015 at 14:47

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?

You only need one nail to hang a painting.

AshD93 · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:22

ScarySquirrel said:
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?

You only need one nail to hang a painting.

Asks for modern joke replies.

Gets a 2000 year old joke in return.

ScarySquirrel · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:38

Haha, I suppose I did kind of miss the point on this one

Thekwango · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:46

what's black white and red all over......

a newspaper (read all over)

scorza · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:47

Gilly said:
Alan Partridge and Ricky Gervais are both funnier than Stewart Lee.

That's not an achievement.

That was the point I made...

Thekwango · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:47

what's brown and looks in your window.....

a nosey ****e

Gilly · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:49

scorza said:
That was the point I made...

I know.

I just wanted to denigrate the other two as well

Thekwango · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:51

what do you call a man with a spade on his head....

doug

what do you call a man without a spade on his head....

douglas (less)

what do you call a deer with no eyes...

no idea (no eye'd deer)

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs....

still no idea (still no eye'd deer)

antijoke · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:54

What do Santa's elves learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? 

Tinsilitis!

Nix · 15 Dec 2015 at 15:59

Why on earth do I keep coming back to this thread?

Because I'm a slow learner.

MookJong · 15 Dec 2015 at 16:05

What is the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?

Snow balls

MooMoo444 · 15 Dec 2015 at 16:19

Thekwango said:
what do you call a man with a spade on his head....

doug

what do you call a man without a spade on his head....

douglas (less)

what do you call a deer with no eyes...

no idea (no eye'd deer)

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs....

still no idea (still no eye'd deer)

What do you call a terrible comedian at christmas?

Thekwango

Thekwango · 15 Dec 2015 at 16:20

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy.

How do snowmen get around?

They ride an icicle.

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!' (Whine)

Got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas.

Not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Santa

Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia

Thekwango · 15 Dec 2015 at 16:21

MooMoo444 said:
What do you call a terrible comedian at christmas?

you find me hilarious really!!

bit harsh!!

Gilly · 15 Dec 2015 at 16:24

Thekwango said:
What is Santa's favourite pizza?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

[/SPOILER]

Santa? Surely not :confused:

Thekwango · 15 Dec 2015 at 16:35

Gilly said:
Santa? Surely not

technically it should be Good King Wenceslas' pizza, but don't blame me - it was hasty copy and paste