Wednesday joke

richard smith

richard smith

richard smith

Associate
Joined
12 Jul 2003
Posts
2,199
Location
Colchester, Essex
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.
 
A guy is walking down the street and he hears someone saying, "13, 13, 13...." He ignores it but it gets louder: "13, 13, 13..." Then it starts getting quieter, so he figures he must have passed the source. Curious, he turns around and tries to find it. The voice gets louder: "13, 13, 13,, 13..." He sees a small hole in the bottom of a fence, so he kneels down and looks in the hole, and as he does so a finger comes out and pokes him in the eye. He says, "Ow!" Then he hears, "14, 14, 14, 14..."
 
A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea.

"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don’t have enough money even for knickers!"

Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife’s husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife’s husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened.

"Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn’t wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"
 
Two men are drinking in the bar on top of the Empire State Building. The first man tells the second one that there's a draft created because the building is so high, and if you jump over the edge the draft will blow you right back to the top. The second guy naturally is skeptical. The first man is adamant, so the second guy asks him to demonstrate, and the first guy agrees. They go over to the side of the building, and the first guy jumps over, and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then starts to slow down, then comes to a complete top, then starts slowly rising, and eventually is set right back down on the roof. The second guy says, "Wow! I've got to try that!" So he jumps over the edge and starts falling, 10, 20, 30, 40 stories... then 50, 60, 70, etc. and then SPLAT. Then the bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real **** hole when you're drunk.

\gets coat
 
Continuing the scouser theme...

A scouser walks into the local job centre, gets his form and strides confidently up to the counter. "I'm here to sign on for a job!" He exclaims loudly.

The clerk behind the desk looks up in surprise, and then picks up a folder. "Well, you're in luck. This just came in, and it's a position we need to fill immediately. The richest man in the world needs a bodyguard for his two teenage daughters. Now, there are downsides to this job. You don't get any holiday, as you need to guard the girls on their world tour with their supermodel fashion show. And I'm afraid the duties include oiling the supermodels bodies before each show so that they look glossy. Then you'll need to fly with them around the world when they go on holiday, and duties there include having to watch them in the shower, as they are under constant assassination threat.

The scouser looked up "You're ******* me!?"

The clerk looked back at him petulantly "You started it!"​
 
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser, 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers, when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear. "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies." Something about a job."
 
Proper joke time...

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..


"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."
 
richard smith said:
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.
Click to expand...
Wasn't funny to start with but when you added Middlesbrough it took a turn for the worse.
 
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