Wednesday joke

Define confusion


Fathers day in Liverpool


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What do you say to a Scouser with a job?


Big Mac please


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If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to

hit him?

It might be your bicycle
 
A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rottweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead.

A passing reporter commented: that was ****ing fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline, Manchester United fan saves granny's life".

"I’m not a United" replied the bloke. "Well how about Man City fan saves granny's life", said the reporter.

"I'm not a City fan either" said our hero, "I'm from Liverpool".

"Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline “Scouse ******* Kills Family Pet”.
 
A man goes into a bar and proceeds to get completely plastered. If there was a falling-down drunk, he’d be a glued-to-the-floor drunk. The barkeep pours him into a cab to take him home.

Next evening, the man returns still looking pale and hungover. “Hey, bartender, you *******! Why’d you let me get so drunk last night?”

Bartender replies, “You are an adult, sir, and should be able to take care of yourself. I just pour the drinks here.”

Plopping down on a barstool, the man continues, “No, I don’t think you understand. I was so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks.”

Getting slightly angry, the bartender counters, “Not surprising, sir, that you would get sick and puke. Serves you right!”

“No, no, no, you don’t understand. Chunks is the name of my dog!”
 
slylittlefox said:
Copper knocks at the door of a Liverpool council house. A little kid answers, not a day over ten, smoking a spliff with a can of beer in his hand.

"What the **** do you want?" says the kid.
"Hello son, is your mum or dad in?" asks the Police man.
The kid looks at him in amazement, "Does it ****ing look like it?"
Click to expand...

This happend to me when I was 16 my parents were away and I was in the garden smokin... next thing I know the police open the gate and ask for my parents in exactly the same way I told 'em the same thing plus I asked for a warrent they didn't have one so I threw them out my garden
 
Capn' $qu!ff said:
This happend to me when I was 16 my parents were away and I was in the garden smokin... next thing I know the police open the gate and ask for my parents in exactly the same way I told 'em the same thing plus I asked for a warrent they didn't have one so I threw them out my garden
Click to expand...
True story ?
 
A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he desperately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the cleaner walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The cleaner began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, it’s easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The cleaner agreed and took his place in the confessional.

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery." The cleaner looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Marys". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The cleaner breathed a sigh of relief.

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The cleaner looked down the list "Lord's name in vain - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The cleaner thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"

The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The cleaner consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two cookies and a glass of milk."
 
What's long, Scouse, and goes around corners?
The Dole queue.


Two Scousers have just nicked a car and are checking it over to make
sure that everything works before they use it to ram raid the off-licence.
One gets into the drivers seat and asks the other if the indicators work,
to which his mate replies "Yes, it's working...oh ****, it's stopped...no,
it's OK...stopped again..."
 
Three steeple-jacks, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman had stopped for lunch a hundred feet above the streets of London. As usual they had sandwiches in their lunch-boxes and none of them looked too excited at the prospect.

The Englishman opened his box and found beef sandwiches as always and in anger he said "If I've got beef again tomorrow, I'm jumping off - I've had enough of this!" The Scot found Tuna in his as always and said that he would join the Englishman in protest if he had Tuna the next day as well. The Irishman had cheese in his and he swore to join the others if he had cheese the following day.

Lunchtime the next day was a sombre occasion for the three friends. One hundred feet up they sat and in turn opened their lunch boxes. The Englishman found to his disgust that he had beef again, the Scot had Tuna and the Irishman - cheese. Together, as agreed, they jumped off and fell to their deaths.

At the combined funeral the three wives tried to console each other. The Englishman's wife was saying how much she thought her husband enjoyed the beef sandwiches she made him each day. The Scotsman's wife said the same of the Tuna she gave her husband. But the Irishman's wife was distraught and said that she just couldn't understand it as Paddy always made his own sandwiches!
 
simulatorman said:
Three steeple-jacks, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman had stopped for lunch a hundred feet above the streets of London. As usual they had sandwiches in their lunch-boxes and none of them looked too excited at the prospect.

The Englishman opened his box and found beef sandwiches as always and in anger he said "If I've got beef again tomorrow, I'm jumping off - I've had enough of this!" The Scot found Tuna in his as always and said that he would join the Englishman in protest if he had Tuna the next day as well. The Irishman had cheese in his and he swore to join the others if he had cheese the following day.

Lunchtime the next day was a sombre occasion for the three friends. One hundred feet up they sat and in turn opened their lunch boxes. The Englishman found to his disgust that he had beef again, the Scot had Tuna and the Irishman - cheese. Together, as agreed, they jumped off and fell to their deaths.

At the combined funeral the three wives tried to console each other. The Englishman's wife was saying how much she thought her husband enjoyed the beef sandwiches she made him each day. The Scotsman's wife said the same of the Tuna she gave her husband. But the Irishman's wife was distraught and said that she just couldn't understand it as Paddy always made his own sandwiches!
Click to expand...

Joke fails. Why didn't they just swap sandwiches? So all three of the men were idiots.
 
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