Of course. I was raised by a single mother.
I only commented about the adoption because I didn't see anything about the mother's involvement, that or I missed it.
What more can we do ?
- Thread starter teulk
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Of course. I was raised by a single mother.
I only commented about the adoption because I didn't see anything about the mother's involvement, that or I missed it.
I've always paid 20% of whatever I earn, and that was from the first pay packet I picked up. It was only something like £120 because I was at college but I gave my parents £25 and was more than happy to pay it. He sounds like he needs to grow up tbh, you cant by for free your whole life!
I'd suggest a contract that he has to sign and stick to if he wants to remain under your roof.
Firstly, add up what he is using in your house and put a value on each service (food, washing, electricity etc). If he doesn't do his own washing and cleaning then he has to pay for the services, if he does them he gets them for free. Also, as you are doing use a base rent line, a certain % of his pay capped. You can also add other conditions to his contract, such as finding a better job and working more hours.
He will kick up a fuss about it so i would suggest two things, don't tell him that if he does his own chores he can save money, use it as a bargaining chip. It will make him feel like your moving to meet him and make it feel fairer. Secondly, price up how much he would have to fork out if he was not sponging off you, include rent, bills etc, oh, and don't forget the CSA
If you can make him realise that he has it easy at yours then he should start to respect it a bit more. If he doesn't agree to it, I would do one of 2 things. Buy a damaged 360 online and replace it with his, "oh dear, now what you going to do?" or kick him out. When he wants to come back he can do so only if he agrees to and signs the contract.
You are doing the right thing, don't consider yourself to be failing at all, some kids are just useless until they either grow up or get a shock.
Edit: where does he work? Try speaking to his boss on the quiet and enquiring if the boss can make him do more hours?
Firstly, add up what he is using in your house and put a value on each service (food, washing, electricity etc). If he doesn't do his own washing and cleaning then he has to pay for the services, if he does them he gets them for free. Also, as you are doing use a base rent line, a certain % of his pay capped. You can also add other conditions to his contract, such as finding a better job and working more hours.
He will kick up a fuss about it so i would suggest two things, don't tell him that if he does his own chores he can save money, use it as a bargaining chip. It will make him feel like your moving to meet him and make it feel fairer. Secondly, price up how much he would have to fork out if he was not sponging off you, include rent, bills etc, oh, and don't forget the CSA
If you can make him realise that he has it easy at yours then he should start to respect it a bit more. If he doesn't agree to it, I would do one of 2 things. Buy a damaged 360 online and replace it with his, "oh dear, now what you going to do?" or kick him out. When he wants to come back he can do so only if he agrees to and signs the contract.
You are doing the right thing, don't consider yourself to be failing at all, some kids are just useless until they either grow up or get a shock.
Edit: where does he work? Try speaking to his boss on the quiet and enquiring if the boss can make him do more hours?
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Soldato
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Whats all this mention of signing contracts and kicking him out? He's not some big brother contestant. I agree with post #18. Just be thankful he's not on drugs or drinking everyday. If you did kick him out, that's what could happen. He could fall into depression, how would you feel then?
Make him set up a standing order to pay you a set amount each month. He can't use any excuses then to not pay you then. Tell him the money is going towards the baby. I can't see why you haven't told him this?
Make him set up a standing order to pay you a set amount each month. He can't use any excuses then to not pay you then. Tell him the money is going towards the baby. I can't see why you haven't told him this?
I take it you have zero experience with teenagers??
Just be grateful he isn't on drugs? he could fall into a depression? What a load of crap! So basically, you whole theory is based around "be grateful your son is a lazy drain on society and is about to become a dad, he could always be worse!"
Just because things could be worse doesn't mean they are acceptable!
Good grief. When I was at home, I paid 1/3rd of my wages to my parents and thought that was fair. And I was 14 at the time.
So you're paying for him and I expect you'll be paying for your grandchild too. Probably raising them as well - it certainly doesn't sound like your son will be.
It might help if you make a note of how much money you're spending to support him, or how much it would cost him to support himself in the same way (i.e. rent, wages for a cleaner, a cook, etc). It might be that he simply has no understanding of money. I recall my mother telling me that her mother did that when she (my mother) was earning money in her first job and paying some of it to her mother. I also recall my own rude awakening when leaving home and finding out how much it cost. My parents had told me and of course I didn't pay any real attention. I was 18, so I knew everything.
Although maybe he is depressed, in which case that wouldn't help.
I'm glad I don't have children. I don't have enough wisdom for that.
So you're paying for him and I expect you'll be paying for your grandchild too. Probably raising them as well - it certainly doesn't sound like your son will be.
It might help if you make a note of how much money you're spending to support him, or how much it would cost him to support himself in the same way (i.e. rent, wages for a cleaner, a cook, etc). It might be that he simply has no understanding of money. I recall my mother telling me that her mother did that when she (my mother) was earning money in her first job and paying some of it to her mother. I also recall my own rude awakening when leaving home and finding out how much it cost. My parents had told me and of course I didn't pay any real attention. I was 18, so I knew everything.
Although maybe he is depressed, in which case that wouldn't help.
I'm glad I don't have children. I don't have enough wisdom for that.
Because if we did then he would use that as an excuse not to pay as the money he is paying to us is being used / saved for the baby. We have spent over £100 already towards the baby in clothes, nappies, steraliser ect and he has spent about £5. We dont mind spending the money and we will spend more, no one does but what we object to is the fact he is quite prepared to sit back and let everyone do it and not contribute himself. Ok he may not earn a great deal but there has been no reason why he couldnt have put at least £10 pm away (not a lot but at least its something) - instead he goes and buys games which as far as im concerned is wrong as at the moment he has more important things to spend his money on. Im not saying he shouldnt treat himself now and again but he is just wasting his money on non essential things as far as im concerned.
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You're wrong there matey peeps! Well all except the the part about me mapping out my own life that is!
Soldato
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As a young person with an ******** of a dad I can offer perhaps a slightly alternative viewpoint.
It is hard to get a decent job at the moment, remember there is a recession on and if he gets stuck in a crappy job he might end up there forever. it is hard to know what you want to do at 18 but obviously he has to do something.
And after quitting uni my dad essentially forced me to get any job I could find and I really resent him for it, so what if you are unemployed for another month if it means you find a job you enjoy and do for 10 years instead of 3 weeks? (depends if he is trying)
How long has he had this part time job? he should either get an apprenticeship, start a business, go to uni or decide on a standard job but working a part time job is no good, especially with a kid on the way.
You have to decide if he is really trying or not, if he has potential and the jobs are just not there or he isn't sure what to do then cut him some slack but if he is just dodging work and isn't ever likely to get anything better then kick him out or put up the rent. (even if you save it and spendd it on the kid) £300 is what I paid.
But then at the same time if I hadn't paid my rents £300 a month I would have a decent house deposit, then again if he isn't buying clothes for his baby then he probably isn't doing this.
when you have the option of living with your parents for the same price as living with your friends you soon move lol.
It is hard to get a decent job at the moment, remember there is a recession on and if he gets stuck in a crappy job he might end up there forever. it is hard to know what you want to do at 18 but obviously he has to do something.
And after quitting uni my dad essentially forced me to get any job I could find and I really resent him for it, so what if you are unemployed for another month if it means you find a job you enjoy and do for 10 years instead of 3 weeks? (depends if he is trying)
How long has he had this part time job? he should either get an apprenticeship, start a business, go to uni or decide on a standard job but working a part time job is no good, especially with a kid on the way.
You have to decide if he is really trying or not, if he has potential and the jobs are just not there or he isn't sure what to do then cut him some slack but if he is just dodging work and isn't ever likely to get anything better then kick him out or put up the rent. (even if you save it and spendd it on the kid) £300 is what I paid.
But then at the same time if I hadn't paid my rents £300 a month I would have a decent house deposit, then again if he isn't buying clothes for his baby then he probably isn't doing this.
when you have the option of living with your parents for the same price as living with your friends you soon move lol.
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Is your son just lazy or is it possible he could be suffering from depression or some medical condition that is slowing him down?
Could it even be stress with the baby on they way and his way of coping is to shut himself away and hide in his games?
I totally agree with your point of what he should be doing but just wondered if it was possible it was not entirely his fault he is behaving how he is.
Could it even be stress with the baby on they way and his way of coping is to shut himself away and hide in his games?
I totally agree with your point of what he should be doing but just wondered if it was possible it was not entirely his fault he is behaving how he is.
Soldato
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Yes i do. I have had 4 teenagers in my close family over the years 13-19 years old, so i know how awkward and argumentative they can be.
Did i ever say it was acceptable?
No need to get so defensive and rude Mr internet warrior. I'm not saying that his sons actions are right, I was just stating that things could be much worse with the drugs and stuff, and could easily get worse. Talk about an over reaction
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Some people don't know they are born!!
Back when I was a lad of 16 on my YTS scheme earning £26 a week, I paid board of £12.
Out of the rest I paid for my travel, etc.
This was not to my parents, but to my friends parents who took me in as a lodger when my parents had a massive bust up and there was "no room at the inn" for me.
I would have gladly given them more, but it taught me to stand on my own two feet.
Short sharp shock is what's required, get hold of his xbox and games and tell him that you are selling them to get the board he owes you if he doesn't divvy you up what he owes.
Back when I was a lad of 16 on my YTS scheme earning £26 a week, I paid board of £12.
Out of the rest I paid for my travel, etc.
This was not to my parents, but to my friends parents who took me in as a lodger when my parents had a massive bust up and there was "no room at the inn" for me.
I would have gladly given them more, but it taught me to stand on my own two feet.
Short sharp shock is what's required, get hold of his xbox and games and tell him that you are selling them to get the board he owes you if he doesn't divvy you up what he owes.
Will he be living with the baby and the babys mum? If not then i think the CSA will be taking a cut of his pay as well.
I used to pay £40 a week to my mum for board, but them i did have half a dozen fish tanks on the go lol
I used to pay £40 a week to my mum for board, but them i did have half a dozen fish tanks on the go lol
Yes i do. I have had 4 teenagers in my close family over the years 13-19 years old, so i know how awkward and argumentative they can be.
Did i ever say it was acceptable?
No need to get so defensive and rude Mr internet warrior. I'm not saying that his sons actions are right, I was just stating that things could be much worse with the drugs and stuff, and could easily get worse. Talk about an over reaction
I find it hard to believe that anyone with any experience with awkward teenagers think that 'making them set up a standing order' would actually work. Firstly, if they struggle to make him pay rent how are they going to make him to set one up?
You seem against kicking him out so what leverage are you going to use?
Politely asking him won't work, shouting won't work, he'll just dig his heals in.
Your whole first post screamed that they should be thankful he wasn't worse, even if you didn't say it was acceptable that seemed to be the meaning to your post!
Stating that things could be much worse aren't helping anyone are they? Imagine you've just had your RX7 stolen, and someone comes up to and says "don't be so glum, you could've been bum raped by a big bald black man!". It's not going to help you at all, in fact you would probably tell them where to go!
When i was 18 was paying £30 a week board i am 21 now and paying £50 a week due to payrise
You have done your bit for him paying for him upto age where he can work its time he gets out and works right and pays for his part in house on food,bills and helping out about the house not just sitting there gaming all day ( altho i do gaming a lot )
You have done your bit for him paying for him upto age where he can work its time he gets out and works right and pays for his part in house on food,bills and helping out about the house not just sitting there gaming all day ( altho i do gaming a lot )