In no particular order...
Adriano Zumbo - a man so devoid of personality and so severely lacking in warmth and charm that you wonder just how hard he had to work, or or lucky he got, to end up where he is today. I remember watching his series on Good Food and wondering what persuaded the commissioning editor to even consider signing off on the show - are things really that bad in Australia that we have to suffer this idiot?
Galton Blackiston - on his day he manages to make Adriano Zumbo seem interesting - which is saying something. The man is a prize pillock and no mistake. And not only is he boring, but he's incredibly smug and condescending with it; whoever gave him his first break on TV needs to be dragged out into the street and shot.
Nigel Slater - the man behind some of the most accomplished and creative cookbooks of recent years, yet someone who should have remained firmly behind them instead of forcing his podgy creepy face onto our television screens. And did anyone ever see that horrific 'chat/food' show he did a few years back? No? You didn't miss anything.
John Burton Race - Smug, arrogant, egotistical, boorish - the list goes on. Pretty much the poster boy for all those chefs who should never have been allowed even the slightest hint of media exposure and instead deserve to rot away in obscure cooking hell. An utter arse of the highest order and someone I particularly relished seeing get his comeuppance a few years ago.
Anthony Worral Thompson - shoplifting some food from Tesco is the most interesting thing the bearded pillock has done for years. Before that the most interesting thing he did was disappear up his own arse and bankrupt himself. How someone ever decided that this hairy gnome was suited to cooking food on TV is beyond me - you'd be worried if you found him picking through your bins, let alone anywhere near your dinner.
James Martin - we get it, James; you're from Yorkshire. And we understand that you don't go in for anything 'poncy' or 'fancy' and that all Southerners are nancy-boy shandy-drinkers. But I'd have thought that after all these years of gracing our TV screens and acting like a complete bell-end, you'd have learned to read an autocue without looking like a startled rabbit.
Bill Granger - pretty much the Australian Nigel Slater, at least when it comes to something not being quite right about him. For years I thought he was a bit camp, until his family started showing up onscreen with him - now I just think he's a serial killer. Much better in print that he is on TV, thankfully.
Gary Rhodes - a man with the voice, demeanour, dress sense and personality of an excitable children's TV presenter, yet one who possesses the cooking abilities of a culinary genius. Mellowed as the years have gone by and now approaching something like acceptable, but still prone to outbursts of excruciating gittishness. His food may say 'eat me' but his face still says 'hit me'.
Allegra McEvedy - chummy, ruddy-faced, piggy-eyed country bumpkin who seems more suited to leaning on a five-bar gate chewing a piece of grass than on a television screen cooking food. However, as one of the founders of Leon she at least partly redeems herself in my eyes - I just hope and pray she's not out the back doing the cooking, wearing that bloody tank top and spraying spittle in the food.
I could go on, but I should probably have a large G&T and try and calm down a little. It's been incredibly cathartic letting this all out though - must do it again sometime.
. Though I suppose we need to separate 'like as a person' and 'like as a talented TV chef'. However he's about as talented as they come at least in technical skill imo.
