I've got a good holiday story if you want to stick with it
A tldr is at the bottom
A long time on a continent far, far away..there was a holiday. Africa, beach, safari etc
In this particular country, you were not allowed to take currency out of the country. At the airport there was a booth where you handed over your local currency and we're given back GBPs. My then girlfriend did this, and was handed back some GBPs and some local notes
Her reaction to receiving the local currency is "What am I supposed to do with these?" and she proceeded to rip up the local notes in front of the cashier. The result of this was a considerable kerfuffle with the cashier screaming and calling for the police. They duly arrived and dragged me and my girlfriend to the police station at the airport. She was taken one side of the counter and I was left on the other...it was a very small set of offices. We had our passports confiscated
We sat in the police offices for around 2 hours listening to the last call for our flight...and hearing it take off...with our luggage. Unsurprisingly, she's blubbing. Eventually one of the local handling staff tracked us down after they realised we didn't get on the plane. "This is a very serious matter". Mmmm yes, I think I know that. In the meantime the airport police were being quite aggressive with me and my girlfriend "You have abused our hospitality" was the most frequent comment while the smacked their truncheons on the counter or against their palms
Anyway, the local guy was trying to suss out how to handle this and at one point sent one of the staff to contact the embassy. Fat lot of good they were, the Ferrero gobbling gits "If the charge can result in a custodial sentence, we can't help". Well thanks a bunch...so what exactly is your function? Not helping Joe Public, that's for sure. To be fair, they did say that no matter what happens, get a local lawyer, not that they helped us find one
So at 2 in the afternoon (all this started at 10am), we get bundled into the back of an army truck - one of the ones where the floor is about 6ft higher than ground level and it has a canvas roof and it's standing up only We have no idea what's going on. Before we drive off the local guy says if we are not in jail that night, go to a particular hotel..mmm reassuring
Once we leave the airport compound, which is about 15 miles outside the city, the chief police officer, the one that arrested us - that's right, both of us, starts trying to be really friendly. In the back of the lorry there are us 2, 3 policemen plus 2 armed soldiers. The upshot of the conversation is that we are going to the High Court in the city in front of the top judge We arrive there 45 minutes later and the police drag us into the bowls of the court complex, a large part of which seems to be subterranean. We are the only white people
On walking into the impressive balconied courtroom, we become the objects of attention for the chaotic hive of humanity. The court is not in session so there are all sorts milling around, noise, smells. Within seconds, people are stamping their feet, clapping and the folks on the balcony are leaning over the sides and slapping the wooden panels. Everyone is looking at us. Some people are whooping
The police show us where to sit down and they disappear. The hubbub subsides after a few minutes
20 minutes later, 2 Indian guys in suits weave there way through the throng...it was a bit like ants entering a nest. They eventually approach and start speaking to us in French. My head drops and I slap my hand over my forehead. FFS! These are my lawyers and they don't even speak English. They both notice my reaction and switch to English. Thank God! Later on I realise that both our surnames are French. Looks like the helpful handing agent at the airport has arranged some representation "Defacing the currency is a very serious offence. Later we will go into the judge's chambers. Tell us what happened" After we did they say there are 2 ways to play this. Admit you are guilty, be contrite and see what happens. Alternatively, you can plead innocence and we'll fight the case for you - this will take at least a month. We take the first option
After another 30 minutes, the girlfriend gets led away by the lawyers. I'm left in the courtroom on my own. Remember how stressful this all is. No aircon. 5/6 hours since we've had a drink or food. Don't understand what's going on. Don't speak the lingo. Added to that is the gloating novelty of the situation for the locals. At this point we have no idea how this is going to pan out. We are on a slide, not knowing how fast we are going and when it will end. We are on a runaway train
Secondhand info from the girlfriend...went to the judges chambers. They were very impressive. Super-airconditioned. Massive desk. Carpet (!!!) It was set out a bit like a church with the altar being the desk. There is seating for about 30 people. The police chief says "She viciously defaced the notes" and held 2 of them up. One ripped in 2 and one half ripped. Worth realising here that in general, the notes in circulation are in an appalling state and are largely held together by sweat and dirt. Also, the 2 notes are worth pennies
The lawyer stands up and says these laws are an embarrassment to the country and represent everything that is wrong with the legal system
The judge asks my girlfriend to stand up and asks her what she has to say for herself, in the manner of a slightly peeved and pompous headmaster
She says she did rip the notes, but it was an accident and she didn't mean to. She is very sorry for what she has done. Christ, I wish I'd been there to record that. She was the stroppiest person I've ever met. Rather foolishly I marry her some years later. It lasted 6 very long years
Judge leans back in his chair, looks to the ceiling for 30 seconds and says "You can go to jail for a month, or pay a £40 fine" She opts to pay the fine
On rejoining me, we are marched by the policeman, accompanied by the lawyers, even deeper into the bowels of the building to a cashier's desk. I am shocked to discover that they accept bank cards. While we are paying for it, the local press turn up and take a photo of the girlfriend. I stay well back. We make the evening edition
The lawyers then tell us how lucky we are. The last person this happened to was an Italian in the Capital. He got 3 months. They go
We then ask the policeman for our passports. Oh! They are at the airport. No, you can't have a lift back
This is the end of a 2 week holiday. We are both very young. We have no money, no overdrafts. A bank card each. Very little cash
We get a taxi to the airport. Meet up with the police chief, who thinks he is now our best friend, and get our passports
Taxi back into the city, to the hotel that we were told to go to. We now have no money
We check in on the basis of my bank card - this is the time before debit cards and electonic funds transfer. I get some cash from reception on my card. The girlfriend takes some of it and goes to the communication center in the town. This country doesn't have IDD at the time. She goes to phone my dad who is picking us up from Heathrow. My dad is incensed, and doesn't actually let my girlfriend get a word in edgeways, so after the 2 minutes is up, the phone goes dead. We don't know whether my dad has actually understood what is going on
In the meantime I have taken our stuff to our room. I take one of the banknotes, wipe it on my ****, and flush it down the toilet. The tour operator rep phones and says he will come around to the hotel at 7. It is obvious that the largest business going on in the hotel is prostitution. Lots of Germans with multiple females paying them a lot of attention
We have a fabulous Chinese meal in the hotel restuarant. There is not a Chinese person, including staff, in the hotel. It's surreal
The rep arrives. I've got some good news and bad news. Tell us the good news I say, I need it. The good news is we can get you out on a flight tomorrow, providing there isn't a bereavement or serious illness. Excellent. What's the bad news? The lawyers bill. It's £600. At the time I'm taking home £660 a month. The penny (hundreds of pounds) drops. It's all a big scam. Money for the cashier, money for the police, money for the lawyers, money for the judge. I hand over my credit card. No swiping. This is the 3rd world and I sneer as the carbon paper is placed over the card and the slider is forced. The card and paper pop out 2 or 3 times before an acceptable imprint is achieved
We arrange a taxi for the morning. I'm hemorrhaging money I don't have. We have no clean clothes or toiletries
Checking out of the hotel in the morning, there's a problem. It's the 28th and my card expires on the 31st. At this time, nothing's electronic. The hotel is concerned they'll never receive their money, especially from a known associate of a convicted criminal. Eventually they relent, so after 45 minutes of arguing, we leave. We use up the last of the local currency by slugging the taxi driver hefty tip. Poor sod's 4th generation immigrant from India, but his whole ethnic minority is not accepted by this country. There is someone worse off than us
We have nothing to check in at the airport and smell. The handling agent takes us aside, sorts out our boarding passes. We go to the departure lounge. The plane is delayed. Many of the airport police, familiar to us from the day before, decide to do drive bys...walking past us, eyeballing us, smacking their truncheons. I guess these were the ones that didn't receive a cut. We are concerned for 2 reasons. One, foreign nationals that are convicted of a crime are required to leave the country by plane on the national carrier only. We are flying chartered. Two, some police stand very close to us with the passenger manifest print out with our names ringed in red
Eventually we get on the plane and leave. Once the tyres leave the tarmac we laugh. The plane is going to Manchester, our luggage is at Heathrow
To add icing to the cake, the law requiring all local currency to be converted to USD or GBP before departure expires 3 weeks later and is not renewed
TLDR girlfriend got arrested...it cost a fortune to buy our way out from under
Well I've lived in Taiwan for 4 years now, without any disasters. Yet. Still 5 years on this passport though, so plenty of time.
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