Please tell me im being stupid
- Thread starter MeatLoaf
- Start date
Weve split twice in the past. The first time was a couple of years ago when the divorce going through
But we had a big talk and and got back together but it didnt last long and she went on Boxing Day 2005. She was gone for until May 2006 and by that time she was 20 wks gone with my little boy. Weve been together ever since, so its not the fisrt time shes been gone when pregnant. She always came back tho and it was a hard decision to make last time as i was just about start a new relationship but i decided that for the kids sake we would try again. I think what decided it was that she said she had always loved me and both she and the kids missed me a lot.
Meatloaf you sound like a really nice guy mate however as previously stated you sound like your a bit of a wet fish.
Think about your situation, if you want this to work out then you've got to do it properly. What do you do for a living? £60 a week isn't a lot mate I earn more than that and I work 2 days a week in an aquatic shop. It doesn't have to be anything special just better paid and more hours. I don't know you personally but surely theres places like a call centre or say factories that you can work in. Might not be drastically better pay but its a start. That way you will have more money for you and your wife.
I agree with knip I'd try and sort out the kids sleeping problems, it will give you more time to relax with your wife and to re build your relationship.
Also hope everything goes well at the GP.
Basically mate show your wife that you want to make this work by putting more effort in, try not to get by, try to achieve the best you can. Think about your future and your kids future coming in be enough?
All the best, and I hope everything works out ok.
Aero
Think about your situation, if you want this to work out then you've got to do it properly. What do you do for a living? £60 a week isn't a lot mate I earn more than that and I work 2 days a week in an aquatic shop. It doesn't have to be anything special just better paid and more hours. I don't know you personally but surely theres places like a call centre or say factories that you can work in. Might not be drastically better pay but its a start. That way you will have more money for you and your wife.
I agree with knip I'd try and sort out the kids sleeping problems, it will give you more time to relax with your wife and to re build your relationship.
Also hope everything goes well at the GP.
Basically mate show your wife that you want to make this work by putting more effort in, try not to get by, try to achieve the best you can. Think about your future and your kids future coming in be enough?
All the best, and I hope everything works out ok.
Aero
So what did the LAWYERS say?
It seems that you should have learned your lesson sir. But at least you're putting your kids first.
I'd divorce her for good, because you're evidently letting her take liberties with you and she is. Pregnant or not, she is meant to be your wife and she is carrying your child. Surely she should be enjoying the support of her husband?
Does she have a problem with your current job? Maybe she wants more attention and more 'security' or whatever synonyms you can think of. With four children your combined earnings can't be ideal either. I'd get yourself healthy and a new full time job (unless your health prevents you from doing so that is)
You are either incredibly thick skinned or silly to take her back on numerous occasions: you give her license to do what she wants and she sounds like she's enjoying making a fool of a nice person like you.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Yeah i see what youre saying, its pizza hut so i just have to take the hours they give me. If i can get up to 16 hours then i qualify for working tax credits again so i'll have to explain to work when im back in that i simply need more hours.
Im sure it will work out for the best i just need a few days to adjust and who knows after a few weeks maybe she will have had time to think things through. All her stuffs here still but she could have been to get more stuff today when she got her money out the cash machine
My main worry tho is that shes not going to have time to sit and think with the kids and stuff. Ive got the support of friends and you guys here are a great help
You still qualify for working tax credits working more than 16 hours, thats just the MINIMUM you have to do.
Go and get yourself a full time job, it will do you the world of good, not only for your self esteem but also so that you arent wallowing about for hours and hours during the day.
Plus it gets you back out there in the world.
I would just concentrate on being the best dad you can be, and stop letting her mess you about, which it does sound like shes doing to a certain extent, she can treat you the way she wants, go and do exactly what she wants and she knows shes always got you to fall back on, shes taking the mick, im sorry but she is.
Go and get yourself a full time job, it will do you the world of good, not only for your self esteem but also so that you arent wallowing about for hours and hours during the day.
Plus it gets you back out there in the world.
I would just concentrate on being the best dad you can be, and stop letting her mess you about, which it does sound like shes doing to a certain extent, she can treat you the way she wants, go and do exactly what she wants and she knows shes always got you to fall back on, shes taking the mick, im sorry but she is.
Well im not thick skinned i think its just stupidity tbh, and love for the kids. i was brought up to bilieve a marriage is forever and if its possible then it should be saved and i think if its possible then the kids should have both parents present.
She likes me doing the job i do, it means we get to see a lot of the kids together and i can at least hold my head up and say that im not a dole bludger.
One thing that is in the back of my mind tho she had asked me to give up work when shes 29 weeks so she can get income support so she can qualify for a £500 maternity grant. I said i didnt really want to and to be honest i think being on a low income she would qualify anyhow, even if she dosent get the full £500
But nows shes a single aprent, she will get the lot
Yeah when i started at pizza hut i was on 39 hours and we got a higher rate of tax credits for doing more than 30 hours ( i think ).
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Meatloaf if I were you I would take a look a you cv and sort it out, spread it around the place, call centres, factories, bars, shops, supermarkets you get the idea. If pizza hut cannot offer you more working hours then you need to work elsewhere. If you earn more money, you could set some by for maybe paying for a babysitter and just go out for a drink with your wife. She sounds like she needs a break but if you want her to come back and stay then its sounds like things need to change.
Just my opinion.
Aero
EDIT: Is that £500 a month or a 1 off? If its a 1 off get a better job and you will probably earn more than that. Think about the long term not just now.
Yep its a one off payment.
She does get a break from the kids ( and me ) for a good hour or two most nights when im at home when she goes up her mates up the road.
Getting out together wouldnt be a problem as we have a lovely babysitter already and she does it for nothing, my wife just returns the favour when needed. The main problem is lack of cash, which as you say will improve with more hours / better job.
How about you try sorting yourself out for you (and your children) and not "incase she comes back"
You have to learn to love yourself first, and put yourself and your children first, the limbo and the not knowing must be horrible, but neither is how your life is now im sure.
You have to learn to love yourself first, and put yourself and your children first, the limbo and the not knowing must be horrible, but neither is how your life is now im sure.
That makes it sound like you don't go out a lot. Make it a regular thing and having the babysitter come round for free isn't the point. As your wife has to return the favour. Pay the babysitter it will then probably help relieve the stress of your wife returning the favour.
As for the cash you've just solved your problem. You said that 16 hours is all that pizza hut can offer you and its clearly not enough, you know where this is going
.Think of what you could do as a family if you earnt more money, spend it as a family going bowling or something.
Think about it and I think you'll see what you have to do.
Aero
Disclaimer: Once again only my opinion
Yeah thats what im going have to do, new job for me, regardless of if she returns
The uncertainty isnt a nice feeling, maybe when she collected her belongings i may be able to accept it but until then im sure there must be hope
Yep youre right aero, its probably once a month if that, the main problem we cant just afford the night out and pay the sitter, which will change with the new job that im now determined to get.
Theres been a lot of good advice in this thread and im greatful to you all
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Yeah thats what im going have to do, new job for me, regardless of if she returns
The uncertainty isnt a nice feeling, maybe when she collected her belongings i may be able to accept it but until then im sure there must be hope
Yep youre right aero, its probably once a month if that, the main problem we cant just afford the night out and pay the sitter, which will change with the new job that im now determined to get.
Theres been a lot of good advice in this thread and im greatful to you all
Get the new job and keep us informed. If you get turned down for jobs don't fret its their loss, and don't be afraid to ring them back up and ask why you failed. (Not saying you will, but it will help you in another interview)
Be positive
Aero
Well ive woke up this morning and i feel more positive. I think there less than a 10% chance of a reunion now as shes arranging to pick some stuff up at the weekend. Ive started on the housework which should be done by time the jobcentre opens.
Ive sent her a final text ( well more of an essay ) trying to appeal to her better nature, and too think long and hard about what she thinks is best for the kids. Im not going to give up on an 8 year relationship and 5 year marriage just like that. Im not goinjg to contact her now, except for once a day and it will say simply "Give the kids my love" and thats it, nothing that will need a reply.
Hopefully this positivity will last all day but i can feel myself dwelling on it again now so time to get busy
Ive sent her a final text ( well more of an essay ) trying to appeal to her better nature, and too think long and hard about what she thinks is best for the kids. Im not going to give up on an 8 year relationship and 5 year marriage just like that. Im not goinjg to contact her now, except for once a day and it will say simply "Give the kids my love" and thats it, nothing that will need a reply.
Hopefully this positivity will last all day but i can feel myself dwelling on it again now so time to get busy
Are the kids not old enough that you can just speak to them directly. I mean arrange with her a time to ring that she can just pass the phone to one of them.
I hope it goes ok with everything today.
My eldest, Amy, was 6 on the 28th march and Emma is 4 and a half. Both speak to me on the phone. William is only 18 months. Ive rung a few times to speak to them but if there playing or getting ready for bed im lucky to get more than a hello daddy, bye daddy
Please keep doing that, even if you only get a hello and goodbye, its so important believe me to know that Daddy is still around.
Thanks, the 10% chance has gone to 0% now 
She basically thinks the kids will make new friends and get on just fine over there, all living in a pokey 2 bed flat with her mum
I really think shes underestimating the impact this is going to have on them. I will see them at the weekend when she gets her clothes and stuff but its going to be very hard as its probably the only chance im going to get to look her in the face and talk to her directly but at the same time ive got to be strong for the kids
EDIT : If i was to try and take custody of the kids when she brings them before they start thier new school do you think id have much of a chance? After all they are settled here and in school? Im thier father and have parental rights so if i was to keep them and refuse to let her take them back to stafford would i be kidnapping them or anything illegal?
My reasons for doing this would be :
1 : Her mums isnt the ideal place for the kids to be as its overcrowded and some of them sleep on the sofa
2 : School, they are registered here and are happy
I think it would upset them for a for a day or two to be without thier mum but ultimatly i think it would be the correct thing to do, at least until she gets somewhere more suitable to live
She basically thinks the kids will make new friends and get on just fine over there, all living in a pokey 2 bed flat with her mum
I really think shes underestimating the impact this is going to have on them. I will see them at the weekend when she gets her clothes and stuff but its going to be very hard as its probably the only chance im going to get to look her in the face and talk to her directly but at the same time ive got to be strong for the kids EDIT : If i was to try and take custody of the kids when she brings them before they start thier new school do you think id have much of a chance? After all they are settled here and in school? Im thier father and have parental rights so if i was to keep them and refuse to let her take them back to stafford would i be kidnapping them or anything illegal?
My reasons for doing this would be :
1 : Her mums isnt the ideal place for the kids to be as its overcrowded and some of them sleep on the sofa
2 : School, they are registered here and are happy
I think it would upset them for a for a day or two to be without thier mum but ultimatly i think it would be the correct thing to do, at least until she gets somewhere more suitable to live
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