Have i been too harsh

k.Jacko said:
Hi mate, maybe you are just extremely lucky. Or maybe in a couple of years time, or whenever you'll be that person who keeps coming 2nd place to someone else for a job because you never really had to try for anything and don't know how to force yourself to get someonthing you really want.
I'm not saying you are Sime, but hopefully you'll see my point. If you've never been forced to do anything or experienced any great hardship cos of your great parents protecting you or just not pushing your forward, you could be in for a hell of a shock when you are presented with such a challenge.

As much as kids test boundaries with what they can get away with, i believe as parent its our responsibility to test our kids' resilience throughout their formative years, whether its showing no sympathy when they fall over and cut their knee, (trying to toughen them up?) or kicking them out at an older age hoping they can stand on their own 2 feet.
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I absolutly understand mate and the concept / reasoning behind the "tough love" method which at an earlier age (before we understood) my mam and dad used... But at about 16+ my parent used the "if you want it, you get it." method. At 16, instead of doing house chores I got a job in Morrisons instead - I gave my parents rent / board and that was it basically. Ever since then I dont think Ive ever ask my parents for money. Somehow Ive got it into my head that my parents (maybe because were not loaded) dont pay for what I get, I pay for what I get. Altohugh saying this, I know my parents did everything they could to help me and my brother out when we needed it. Some examples...

Driving lessons - for my 17th Birithday present, instead of paying for my lessons all together, they paid for half. Mean it was easier for me, but also I had to work to have them.

but on the other hand in relation to cars...

Having my own car - Simple really, I buy the car, I pay for insurance, petrol, tax...everything. Why should my parents pay for anything? no there car :confused: But saying this, I have a mate whos parents do pay for the car, insurance and petrol. I sometimes think "your never going to understand the true cost of owning a vehical until you stop relying on ** parents"

Im not sure why me and my brother are as well brought up as we are tbh. They never did any strict brining up really, make us do any hard labour around the house or anything but we seem to know the responsbility of not relying on our parents. I personally have always been motivated to get what I wanted and its worked so far in respect to grades, money, cars etc.

As for us currently. My brother, 24, is a ***** genious and has currently finished university and has got a job as a scientist in Newcastle.

I am currently a 3D artist (and am very good at what I do) and am working in London in a brillaint company. Once ive finished here ill be heading back upto Teesside and finishing Uni :)

Parents must have done summet right...
 
Yeah, granted he said "I'm not saying you are" but the intention was there.

I saw the bandwagon, I jumped on it :p
 
Thank you singist; i definitely DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL.
I even stated that i wasn't saying this about him, and that hopefully he/the reader would get my point.

This is typical of the lack of attention that people are paying to posts. They are just skiming them and only seemingly reading every other line.
I truly hope Sime will read the post and realise i'm not casting aspersions on him or his family.

Knubje it was your original and sensible post that got me thinking in a different light about the OP response. Then you follow up with the tripe?!!
Nice going!!! :mad:

Sime: just read your last post, good for you mate :). To be honest you seem to have turned out the way i'd like my kids to turn out. But that doesn't mean i could treat my kids the way you've been treated and have them turn out that way. Maybe its just pre-disposed, i don't know. If we did know, we'd all be the same.
And i'm glad you took my post in the way it was meant. Pity some others can't be bothered to read every line!
 
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k.Jacko said:
Thank you singist; i definitely DID NOT SAY THAT AT ALL.
I even stated that i wasn't saying this about him, and that hopefully he/the reader would get my point.

This is typical of the lack of attention that people are paying to posts. They are just skiming them and only seemingly reading every other line.
I truly hope Sime will read the post and realise i'm not casting aspersions on him or his family.

Knubje it was your original and sensible post that got me thinking in a different light about the OP response. Then you follow up with the tripe?!!
Nice going!!! :mad:

Sime: just read your last post, good for you mate :). And i'm gladyou took my post in the way it was meant. Pity some others can't be bothered to read every line!
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I understand mate but im just expanding on my own personal experiances (you did quote me remember :p)

EDIT : lol just read your edit. Cheers mate :p

Of course, every childs differant and so is every parent. Just happens that the combo of me, my bro, mam and dad seemed to have worked quite well :p
 
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In hindsight you are correct, I'm sorry. I did read through the post but didn't take it fully in because I am at work.

Just because parents don't use army style discipline with their kids doesn't mean that they will not force themselves to strive for something they want.

Sime is a good example of this on the other spectrum. A fairly leinient upbringing by some standards yet he and his bro seemed to have turned out ok!

Back on topic: Any news from the OP and his son?
 
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Sime, ya know i almost feel proud of you and your folks, lol. Thats the way i'd aspire to be as a parent and my boys to be as children growing up.

Knubje, i don't use army style tactics mate, aside from wanting to instill discpline and respect into my kids, which i would hope is a general wanting of every parent.
Truth is a lot of the philosophies i adopt and try to pass on to them are things like:
to quote Rocky Balboa: "If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth!"
"Never give up"
"Always try your best, no matter what"
Stuff that i'm sure rings a bell with most parents.
I wouldn't berate my child if he tried and failed. I'd berate him if he failed to try!
There's a difference and i want them to understand that.
Then there's the difference of right and wrong. We lay down the law, as parents should, its not a strict law but there can be strict guidelines, for their own safety. If they break them, they serve a punihsment as reminder NOT to break them. Its really no more complicated than that. We're just doing the best we can. We live with the knowledge that one of our kids has a condition that will most likely kill him before he reaches 30 at most. He gets short shrift big time when he forgets to take his meds. On the odd occasion we've had to 'not' remind him and if he forgets then the suffering he goes through with the side effects (which are not seriously threatening btw) will hopefully remind him NOT to forget. Cruel to be kind....as we won't always be there to remind him.
 
(Not aimed at OP) In general, if you're the sort of person who thinks you're kid's have to be ruled under an iron-fist, then you shouldn't be having children.

Resentment & rebellion are the two main consequences of the above type of parenting. Looking at extreme examples, where you basically have pushy parents forcing their kids to go through Oxford and achieve, achieve and achieve some more, those children end up hating their parents and generally developing problems later on in life.

With regard to far more common incidences, the OP wasn't harsh necessarily, but he's going about it the wrong way.

To impose a set of rules on your kid, then punish him for not meeting some (slightly inane) 'targets' is pointless. We're not living in the 70's anymore, with the 'back in my day' crap. If you punish children too much, they'll only get angry and respond with the "why did you have me?" argument.

Honestly, the OP should learn to get on with his kid, not give a damn about a load of stuff. There's nothing worse than a father who may end up resenting his own child when he comes back from work to find the house in a mess. Just come to an agreement; the more you set definable chores, the less likely you son will stick to them. Just explain what you would like and build up some communication.

I mean, tbh the OP hasn't explained much, what type of life does his son lead, did he get bullied at school? What? There could be many reasons why he doesn't listen to his Dad.
 
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I didn't insinuate/assume that you used army style tactics, just using it as an example of "tough discipline" compared to a softer approach and what the end results may be :p

But yeah, your points are valid!

Especially "cruel to be kind". My dad told me a long time ago that when I was little and I was threatened or given a "smack bum" it used to hurt him a lot more than it did me. Yet it was an important step teaching me at a young age what I should and shouldn't be doing.
 
i have a few rules for my 17yr old son, he don't work but staying on at school but he knows the rules and is a good kid. Washing up every other day for whole family meal, keeping his room tidy, cleaning his rats cage once a week, cooking the odd simple dinner evey now and then when we cannot for whatever reason, getting his own dinner if he miss's the family dinner and don't want what we want and washing it up after, and in by 12 midnight unless he's out doing something special, concert, ect, ect.
 
lol, yeah i remember them days.
And as we get older the same principle applies but with different actions/reactions.

Chimerical: +1 for your post too mate.
 
I was a nightmare when i was 17. I wish my parents had been more harsh on me sometimes.

You've done nothing wrong mate. Although he wont magically be a great kid when he comes home.
 
Personally, i think you made the correct response.

You have tried to be diplomatic, and spoken to about it before. That text message alone would have got me kicked out. It basically says "I dont respect your word" which is unacceptable when living under your roof!

You have opened the door for him to return, so the only one keeping himself away is him. People who are saying that he is only 17, i really dont get what you mean by this. He has done wrong, been rude to his dad who is providing for him and giving him a place to live, kicking him out till he will live by the rules is perfectly acceptable.

I knew my dad was serious when he made threats to lob me out many moons ago, and i amended my ways, this kid obviously never thought it was ever going to happen. This sort of experience will go a long way to make him understand that you mean business.
 
How can you possibly believe that kicking your son out of the house by txt message was the mature adult reaction? Sounds more like you got annoyed and chucked your toys out of the pram, can't say it would have made me respect my old man.
 
aye if the roles was reversed, if your dad sent you a txt message implying that you are being kicked out how would you take that.

Come on be honest now

I know how i would react and it isnt go back and applogise
 
maybe it was the ONLY reaction considering the circumstances. The ONLY one that would get through to his son. He's tried, talking, stipulating other forms of punishment etc when he disrespects the rules. Nothing worked.

Malt Vinegar said:
You have opened the door for him to return, so the only one keeping himself away is him.
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+1, good point mate, simple and well made :)

Time for the boy to mature a little and realise how much grief he puts his parents through. Hopefully they will both have a chance to have a proper man to man chat about their expectations.
 
well they had a kid after all so i presume they had a rather goo........ oh you dont mean that sort of love.... ignore me :p
 
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