Have i been too harsh

[Metalface Mark]

LOL, we used to get beatings as kids, and eventually we learned the hard way!

Not aimed at freefaller, but I feel that some of the comments being written here are by people that do not have teenage children. I have a 14 years old girl and she is trouble at the moment. Not as much trouble as I was at 14, hence me being kicked out on more than one occasion! If some of the people commenting here were in the situation, they would realise how frustrated parents feel.

The kid messed up and he's being punished. I dont really see too much wrong with what the OP did TBH.

As you say, when we were kids, we got a beating if we didnt do as we were told, my bum was red raw through my whole teenage years.

You cant do that now, or your kids claim child abuse, the country has gone to the dogs etc etc.

 

[gt_junkie]

Not exactly an unruly teenager

It's the little things though! Bit by bit they eat away.

gt

 

[Andrew1978]

Yeah but not doing chores isn't grounds for being kicked out especially when you're working.

What would he do if he came home and said mum, dad, i've got a problem? (insert horrific circumstance)

i guess that would warrant a stoning, maybe even a beheading. damn teenagers.

 

[Archy]

Have a read further up this page - he's already done that stuff.

gt

Ah, my bad, didn't see that.

 

[benneh]

This doesn't even warrant a drawn out reply. You're a parent, your main aim is to raise a well rounded individual. He didn't do his chores, he turns up late occasionally. Do me a bloody favor, he's 17 years old, he's exploring and pushing boundaries. I was probably doing the same at 17. This is NOT the army, this IS the year 2008.

At 17 I knew fellow 17 year olds who were stealing cars and much worse, you have no idea how 'good' you have it (may i add that i was not stealing cars!). If I were you I would make every effort to adjust your perspective and try to build a relationship with your son that is based on respect and understanding rather than dictation and punishment.

 

[Banzai_Joe]

Chores

wash dishes twice a week (done once)
hoover once a week (done)
feed cats/clean litter tray (done)
clean bathroom once a week(not done twice)
close door (not done)

and hes got a job.

Not exactly an unruly teenager

Ok, how about this for a set of chores instead:

Lock front door on your way out, to avoid being burgled
Press the 'on' button in the washer, so we can have clean clothes (as we're at work)
Pickup grandads prescription on your way home, as you pass the chemist anyway.

Imagine the consqeuences should he neglect these. And i'm betting that no matter how important/trivial these chores could be, his attitutde to them would be the same, hence his dad's frustration.

 

[Andrew1978]

Ok, how about this for a set of chores instead:

Lock front door on your way out, to avoid being burgled
Press the 'on' button in the washer, so we can have clean clothes (as we're at work)
Pickup grandads prescription on your way home, as you pass the chemist anyway.

Imagine the consqeuences should he neglect these. And i'm betting that no matter how important/trivial these chores could be, his attitutde to them would be the same, hence his dad's frustration.

The list of chores i used were the ones according to the OP that he did and didnt do,

grandads medication should be your responsibility being a responsible son and the clothes, well he does them now and again, not exactly the end of the world as for the front door, well not got anything to say about that because i dont lock mine either.

 

[Chimerical]

Imagine the consqeuences should he neglect these. And i'm betting that no matter how important/trivial these chores could be, his attitutde to them would be the same, hence his dad's frustration.

But because his Dad would start labelling them as chores, then his son would probably stop doing them.

Chill the **** out. Why does the OP need "respect" from a 17 year old. Maybe he should grow up and stop trying to be the man of the house. He's got a son that hopefully will outlive him, inherit the house, grow old, etc.

If anything, the OP should give more respect to his son, not the other way round. All this "the Dad is giving him a home to live blah blah" nonsense is the most fail argument ever. Its a basic goddamn requirement to give your children a home to live in. You made a concious decision to have a child, you knew of the financial implications, you knew what was involved, you went ahead with it and now its "Oh but Daddy provides the house".

Get lost, you have to provide that regardless. And people need to get off their stupid high horses and looking at it from some "life isn't fair" attitude. You've all clearly forgotten how self-centred and self-concious teenagers are and how the whole "kid's in Africa are starving, you should be grateful for what you have" nonsense really doesn't work.

 

[benneh]

Ok, how about this for a set of chores instead:

Lock front door on your way out, to avoid being burgled
Press the 'on' button in the washer, so we can have clean clothes (as we're at work)
Pickup grandads prescription on your way home, as you pass the chemist anyway.

Imagine the consqeuences should he neglect these. And i'm betting that no matter how important/trivial these chores could be, his attitutde to them would be the same, hence his dad's frustration.

Lol you're making him guilty of things that he hasn't done. He neglected to do the chores mentioned by the OP, which amounted to roughly **** all in reality. Fortunately my own father was not a militant parent, so I suppose my view is skewed.

 

[Banzai_Joe]

This doesn't even warrant a drawn out reply. You're a parent, your main aim is to raise a well rounded individual. He didn't do his chores, he turns up late occasionally. Do me a bloody favor, he's 17 years old, he's exploring and pushing boundaries. I was probably doing the same at 17. This is NOT the army, this IS the year 2008.

Exactly, and he pushed them too far, consistently if you read the OP. So, how much further should he be allowed to push and get away with it then?
You're right! as a parent your main aim is to raise a well rounded individual. Keeping his feet on the ground by telling him to clear out until he can respect the family and household that keeps him can be part of that.
So if you were doing the same at 17 does that mean your parents failed as well? .......seeing as your one step short of implying that Teulk is failing as a parent?
Kids are unbelievably resilient and this is in part due to the upbringing they receive from their parents.
The old addage "aaah he'll come back when he is hungry" could easily apply, as know one but Teulk knows exactly what his son is like. He could just be playing out the drama.
As i said, it was a risk Teulk was willing to take as nothing else worked.
Too many 17 year olds get away with too many things and are excused "because they're typical teenagers!" . It doesn't have to be military standard, they don't have to be beaten down, they just have to know where the line is and if they cross it there will be consequences and rightly so.
Someone said in a previous post "punishment doesn't work, it never has and it never will" horse cr*p! It's always worked, you just need to find the right punishment, and yes, you may make mistakes along the way. Just like children growing up make mistakes! We all still learn from then though.

 

[Banzai_Joe]

Andrew1978 and benneh.
Those chores i made up were examples, showing differences in importance. My point as you both glaringly sidestepped, was that no matter how important a task he may have been asked to do, he would probably regard it with the same disdain as a trivial task. He is afterall "a typical teenager", , so he wouldn't care if whether he has to close the door or pick up his 5 year old brother from school, his attitude would be "i'm not doing it" full stop.

Chimerical, are you seriously saying the 17 year old shouldn't or should need to respect his parents?
Also, by saying that cos his dad called them 'chores' the sone is more likely to rebel? That would then prove his immaturity by a mile.
The op gave enough respect to his son by allowing him the freedom to come and go as he pleases....in return for some 'simple help around the house' that totals 1.5 hours per week. Big deal!

You're right about your last statement though. When you have issues at home, doing what others do aint necessarily going to work, so you concentrate on what YOU can do. The op thought his last option having seemingly tried everything else was to kick him out until he can mend his ways.
People will agree and disagree till the cows come home. But at the end of the day if the lad does come home, has a chat with dad and they sort out their difference for the better then great.
It will only serve to prove that his course of action was correct for this particular incident. May not work another time.

 

[Andrew1978]

Kids are unbelievably resilient and this is in part due to the upbringing they receive from their parents.
The old addage "aaah he'll come back when he is hungry" could easily apply, as know one but Teulk knows exactly what his son is like. He could just be playing out the drama.

Not really, i found lots of undesirable friends i'm sure my parents would have preferred i never had anything to do with, Kicking your kids out is a last resort that should only be used for extreme circumstances and i'm sorry but closing the living room door and not cleaning the bathroom isn't the end of the world.

What you are obviously sidestepping is the fact that he never neglected ALL of his chores, only some of them.

 

[Chimerical]

Chimerical, are you seriously saying the 17 year old shouldn't or should need to respect his parents?
Also, by saying that cos his dad called them 'chores' the sone is more likely to rebel? That would then prove his immaturity by a mile.
The op gave enough respect to his son by allowing him the freedom to come and go as he pleases....in return for some 'simple help around the house' that totals 1.5 hours per week. Big deal!

But you're looking at it from your perspective as an adult.

And if you're truly a mature, responsible adult, you'd then be able to look at the situation from the eyes of the 17 year old. If the son read half of these comments, they would just go right over his head. He probably cares more about getting a new pair of trainers then being some boring adult with 'responsibilty' and a mortage. Saying "its only 1.5 hours a week" will not be interpreted like that by the kid. Plus, he's not leeching money of his Dad, he's not impregnating girls and spreading STD's everywhere, he's not bullying other people at school. So...so what? The fact that he isn't an awful person shows he does has some degree of respect for his Dad.

And no, he shouldn't 'need' to respect his parents. They need to earn it. I'm only 19 and I can tell you that a lot of people my age are more mature in different aspects to their own parents. Some clearly aren't obviously, but a Dad kicking his son out via text message? Come on. Give me a break.

 

[teulk]

Yes i sent a txt, yes it may have been childish looking back on it but the only one that seems to get the whole point of what i did and the true reason behind it is K.Jacko.

 

[Banzai_Joe]

now you've mentioned your age.....i can see why your posting is the way it is.

I was 17 once ya know....and 19. But you have NEVER been the parent of a teenager, and there's a bigger difference than you can possibly imagine mate.
I'm not trying to be patronising, but its true. Your perspective is coming from that of a 19 year old (obviously). All parents of teenagers have been there, done that, and are now dealing with the same troublesome teens that they possibly were once.
If your belief is that your parents should earn your respect then i'm bewildered. I agree with you that you should also respect your kid and not treat them like dogs/slaves/underlings, but my god if i showed no respect for my parents whilst living under their roof, i'd expect a hard time too (and i did, believe me!). Once past 16, you don't have a god given right to be living at home, but of course most do and thats fine, we should support our kids as long as necessary.
Your 2nd paragraph says that the is kid and doesn't want to know about such things as chores etc. But he is the one who wanted to be treated like an adult by his parents! So they let him have the freedom of the house. What more can they do? I highly doubt they allowed him this freedom and then treated him like dirt, barking orders at him all the time. They asked for a some help around the house and he took the p***!

 

[Skidder]

Yes i sent a txt, yes it may have been childish looking back on it but the only one that seems to get the whole point of what i did and the true reason behind it is K.Jacko.

Did you ask the question for afirmation or to get opinions?

I may have missed it somewhere, but have you spoken to him now / made moves to build bridges (and dare I say it apologise for your part in the communication breakdown)?

 

[Andrew1978]

Yes i sent a txt, yes it may have been childish looking back on it but the only one that seems to get the whole point of what i did and the true reason behind it is K.Jacko.

Well i might not understand from your point of view but i understand it from being on the receiving end and trust me, if he has nowhere to go and cant support himself the last thing you want is for him to be out there alone. You should be best mates with your son and not arguing over petty stuff, just try and come to some kind of mutual understanding.

 

[Squink]

Did you ask the question for afirmation or to get opinions?

Indeed, I am now left with the impression that the OP is only interested in reading posts that tell him he was right in what he did. The drip feeding of extra information throughout the thread to support his actions makes me wonder why he bothered posting. If he's so certain he was right in kicking his son out of the house, why even ask for opinions?

 

[Knubje]

1) If anything, the OP should give more respect to his son, not the other way round....

You made a concious decision to have a child, you knew of the financial implications, you knew what was involved, you went ahead with it and now its "Oh but Daddy provides the house".

2) Get lost, you have to provide that regardless.

To the first point I agree, he needs to respect his son more - but it IS the other way around too, his son should respect him.

To the second point: He provided it, until the lad was 16. Now he is not obliged to provide jack **** anymore.

And no, he shouldn't 'need' to respect his parents. They need to earn it.

That statement although you have already admitted it, shows me you are still a teenager.

He shouldn't "need to respect his parents" and "they need to earn it", what??? Clearly as they have raised him from birth to 17 they have never done anything for him and he should have no respect for them.........

You should respect your parents always tbh. Even when its hard during teenage years. Yes they need to treat him as an adult and respect him in that way, but seriously...they should "earn it"???

Until the late teens you have pretty much no empathy and are pretty self focused. It's not until you stop seeing your parents as parents and start seeing them as real people do you realise what they have done for you.

For most this usually takes place when they move out, go to uni, get full time work or even have their parents stop spoon feeding to realise that the real world is a pain in the ass.

 

[romperstomper]

Do you think ive been too harsh ?

No not really ,if you let him ignore you now, he will just end up getting worse and treating you like ****.

If he can't follow the rules then ship out .

As for the door get a door closer from a DIY shop .