Why did you / why do you want to have children

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Soldato
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Seen a few threads on here recently which pretty much go along the lines of 'new baby born, mrs turned mental etc.'.

So what is it about having children that I am missing? I'm rapidly approaching 27 and apparently should be, at the very least, coming round to the idea of having kids. The mrs is 28 this year and is hinting at me lots about having kids and frankly it terrifies me.

I can't think of a single positive - not one - of having kids. All I see is sleepless nights, irritating crying, super hormonal irrational overtired wench of a mrs, getting home from work to your 'second job', the sheer cost of all of this is staggering.

Currently I enjoy being able to see my friends whenever I want, go out at a moment's notice, never have to plan anything really - that stops instantly. I also enjoy being able to afford pretty much whatever I want whenever I want - this will also stop without delay.

The sound of kids goes right through me, on more than one occasion I have left a restaurant because of the crying of the little urchin on the next table alone etc. Frankly I think it's damned selfish inflicting that on other people I certainly would not do that myself.

The only rational argument for having kids which has been suggested to me is that there is someone to look after me in my retirement. Fine - in which case I'll put that £200k somewhere sensible that I would have otherwise spent raising the brat, and hopefully earned more over my working life from not being impeded by the brat and I'll be able to afford a lionel blair approved old folks home and my own private scandinavian maid.

So parents/parents to be/wannabe parents - why do you feel the need to have children, what do you get from it, and is it really worth it?

Just curious as I'm begging to think my absolute fear of having children means I'm actually completely weird.
 
Because it's the most fulfilling job in the world.
It's an emotional reason, as humans we have emotions and bringing a child into this world unlocks a few. My parents would be significantly richer if it was not for me :(.
 
A couple of times I've been in Hospital on a shared ward, one thing that always struck me from looking at other people is how important your kids are in terms of looking after you when you get really old. So that's a reason right there.
 
because have your own child is the most amazing thing you can imagine. yes its a financial strain, and yes it can put pressure on relationships, but the child will always be there.
its one of those things that until you experience it you cant believe it.
 
Because it gives you something to do when you can't think of anything but the daily cycle of getting up, working, watching tv then sleeping? ;)
 
You will never know how good it feels to have children until you actually have one. All of the bad points are mute because you love them.

A lot of good times as well, seeing your child take his or hers first steps is a great time.

You will feel a lot differently once you have one as they are your own. Yes your whole life changes but this isn't a bad thing.


I was very much like you, wanting to do my own thing, I still get to do my own thing just not ALL of the time. I still go out n my own to my mates houses, the wife looks atfer the little one then she goes out and we swap.

Place the seed and see how it goes it what I say because I guarantee your not care about all the crying and screaming when you see his or hers face looking up at you.
 
sounds to me your a very selfish person.

you was a "brat" once..dont forget that.

having children is amazing,i cant put into words how important my world is with my daughter in it.

if your wife wants children and you dont then i think it's time to move on fella.

is it really worth it ?...i couldn't be without my daughter,she is 5 now and give's me so much joy and love and see her do so well at school makes me shed a tear every time i see her.

she love's her cuddles with her dad and some quality time with the 2 of us.

my daughter will come 1st no matter what is happening in my life.
 
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I'm with you OP; exactly the same feelings towards kids, more or less.

Can't stand them, feel nothing for them (including my own nieces and nephews -- though that might be because I have very little exposure to them), don't like having to go to "their level" when interacting with them. I'd just rather not be around children whatsoever.

Similarly, I have more than enough stress in my life coupled with little enough time and money to even consider piling more on. I'd be swinging from the rafters quicker than you could blink. My other worry, at 29, is the wife hinting (she's 30) that "it's time". Well, considering every child I've ever interacted with has been a mildly irritating diversion at best, or a complete battle of will not to just walk away from them and do something else at worst, I fear my entire life would just come crashing down around me the moment it plops out and I feel absolutely nothing whatsoever. Except irritation at the crying.

There's a very real possibility that at the flip of a coin it would be either (a) the much-lauded best thing to ever happen to us or, (b) the instantaneous destruction of a currently loving marriage. I just don't think I can take that bet. :(
 
Justin said:
Well clearly you aren't ready yet but your other half is, she may now go elsewhere to get pregnant, be careful.
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This worries me tbh Justin - and you're right, I'm definitely not ready. The thing is, I don't feel as though I'll ever be - even if she hints at children it sends terror coursing through my veins.
 
I think too many people have kids just because it's 'the done thing', or because of some hormonal needs that as a sentient species we should be able to overcome. The world needs many things, but more people is not one of them.
 
OP, It is natural process.

When your cynicism of existance reaches new levels and you feel unfulfilled by life, children offer a new frontier. They provide something to take your mind off the fact that life is pointless. The last thing this world needs is more people on it..

Selfish does it justice.
 
schizo said:
sounds to me your a very selfish person.

you was a "brat" once..dont forget that.

having children is amazing,i cant put into words how important my world is with my daughter in it.

if your wife wants children and you dont then i think it's time to move on fella.

is it really worth it ?...i couldn't be without my daughter,she is 5 now and give's me so much joy and love and see her do so well at school makes me shed a tear every time i see her.

she love's her cuddles with her dad and some quality time with the 2 of us.

my daughter will come 1st no matter what is happening in my life.
Click to expand...

How is it selfish?
 
schizo said:
sounds to me your a very selfish person.

you was a "brat" once..dont forget that.

having children is amazing,i cant put into words how important my world is with my daughter in it.

if your wife wants children and you dont then i think it's time to move on fella.

is it really worth it ?...i couldn't be without my daughter,she is 5 now and give's me so much joy and love and see her do so well at school makes me shed a tear every time i see her.

she love's her cuddles with her dad and some quality time with the 2 of us.

my daughter will come 1st no matter what is happening in my life.
Click to expand...

Yup I am quite selfish, and having been an accident myself and growing up without a father in my formative years may, or may not, have had something to do with it.

That said, I think it's much more selfish to not wants kids and to have one, rather than feel like me and not have one.

Rest assured that if we do have kids I'll be as good a father as I can be, everything else will take second place in comparison. My point, or my question rather is why others willingly wanted to do that.

There is a lot of sound input here from parents - I'd also be interested to find out from people who are trying for a child, and their reasons for doing so.
 
shoes said:
Yup I am quite selfish, and having been an accident myself and growing up without a father in my formative years may, or may not, have had something to do with it.

That said, I think it's much more selfish to not wants kids and to have one, rather than feel like me and not have one.

Rest assured that if we do have kids I'll be as good a father as I can be, everything else will take second place in comparison. My point, or my question rather is why others willingly wanted to do that.

There is a lot of sound input here from parents - I'd also be interested to find out from people who are trying for a child, and their reasons for doing so.
Click to expand...

no one can tell you how you will feel when you see the little thing for the first time, but for most people, it will change your world for the better.
i do agree though, it would be better to not have a kid than have one for the wrong reasons. only you can make that call, but i can say, i have no interest in other peoples kids at all, even family. but i would die for my kids and do anything to make them happy.
 
shoes said:
This worries me tbh Justin - and you're right, I'm definitely not ready. The thing is, I don't feel as though I'll ever be - even if she hints at children it sends terror coursing through my veins.
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Really? I was joking when I said that, but you do here of stories about woman being so desperate for children that they do crazy things, such as secretly not taking their contraceptive pills etc.

Have you spoken to her about how you feel?
 
Pestilence said:
I'm with you OP; exactly the same feelings towards kids, more or less.

Can't stand them, feel nothing for them (including my own nieces and nephews -- though that might be because I have very little exposure to them), don't like having to go to "their level" when interacting with them. I'd just rather not be around children whatsoever.

Similarly, I have more than enough stress in my life coupled with little enough time and money to even consider piling more on. I'd be swinging from the rafters quicker than you could blink. My other worry, at 29, is the wife hinting (she's 30) that "it's time". Well, considering every child I've ever interacted with has been a mildly irritating diversion at best, or a complete battle of will not to just walk away from them and do something else at worst, I fear my entire life would just come crashing down around me the moment it plops out and I feel absolutely nothing whatsoever. Except irritation at the crying.

There's a very real possibility that at the flip of a coin it would be either (a) the much-lauded best thing to ever happen to us or, (b) the instantaneous destruction of a currently loving marriage. I just don't think I can take that bet. :(
Click to expand...

You've actually put it a lot better than I did. My other concern is feeling like my father felt about me - meh - shortly before he left. I'd still put the effort in and do everything to make that child as happy and as loved as possible but I'd possibly resent it. Probably.


PermaBanned said:
I think too many people have kids just because it's 'the done thing', or because of some hormonal needs that as a sentient species we should be able to overcome. The world needs many things, but more people is not one of them.
Click to expand...

Well balls to the done thing, I've not done the done thing in 26 years and I don't intend to start now. I agree that more people we do not need.

Andy said:
OP, It is natural process.

When your cynicism of existance reaches new levels and you feel unfulfilled by life, children offer a new frontier. They provide something to take your mind off the fact that life is pointless. The last thing this world needs is more people on it..

Selfish does it justice.
Click to expand...

Crikey - well I'm nowhere near the point of life is pointless, in fact I love life more than I ever have done that I can remember. I'm so happy right now that the idea of changing anything seems ludicrous. This includes an addition to the family which is not a dog.
 
Sometimes you get to a point in your life when you want to know there's gonna be something still here of you after you're dead and gone.

A child is your legacy that you give to the future, the culmination of all your family and ancestors that will continue on to add to the world.

Someone not only to remember you, but to (hopefully) contribute to the world and make it better.
 
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