Toosday Joke

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Don't do that" says Mick
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a
dating agency.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She
said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the
beer.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the
casualty.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
 
Went to the doctors today suffering from premature ejaculation.
Doctor asks "I bet your wife is not best pleased with you, then?"
I said "well to be honest it has been getting on her ****!"

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery.
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls.
 
A history teacher is introducing World War II to her year 10s and asks "Does anyone know what Winston Churchill was famous for?"

A kid at the back sticks up his hand and says "He was the last white man to be called Winston"
 
What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One attacks the cow's brain and sends it mental. The other is some sort of farming problem!
 
Derek W said:
How long does it take you to fall down stairs? ;)

The joke relates to the 'time he's taken' rather than a few seconds to fall down the stairs and not withstanding the injuries incurred time he has taken to get to work.

Its terrible when you have to explain jokes :(
Click to expand...


I seem to remember a saying, i may get it wrong but:

Explaining a joke is much like disecting a frog.

No one really cares and at the end the frog is dead.
 
Joshct said:
I seem to remember a saying, i may get it wrong but:

Explaining a joke is much like disecting a frog.

No one really cares and at the end the frog is dead.
Click to expand...

Or in simpler terms, the joke was rubbish, the explanation will be rubbish.

I got a joke, i heard on the radio a while ago. Its childish.


Why did the Bakers Hands Smell?

Because he kneaded a Poo!
[Actually works better written]
 
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