The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Nate Silvers said:
She said misses me but doesn't want to be with me. I fear he friend has convinced her it's for the best. I'll give her space and not contact her.

I don't think she's coming back though :(

Her friend is adamant she moves on and recovers, she's painted our relationship as damaging and unhealthy. She's stepping in as a personal therapist and manipulating my ex into thinking our relationship was deluded by passion.

The thing is we had a great relationship before this bump in the road. Who is she to tell someone else if they are in love or not, especially when they don't know me and she doesn't know us. All she knows is what she thinks is best from the story she's been told from the negative moments we've had.

This person has never even met me.
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Time to start lifting properly then! No excuses now. Move on and get massive. Pull hotter women. Result.
 
I don't even feel like lifting Captain :(

I know she still loves me, that's the worst thing. This girl didn't come from the sea, I don't want no stinkin fish.
 
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Nate Silvers said:
She said misses me but doesn't want to be with me. I fear he friend has convinced her it's for the best. I'll give her space and not contact her.

I don't think she's coming back though :(

Her friend is adamant she moves on and recovers, she's painted our relationship as damaging and unhealthy. She's stepping in as a personal therapist and manipulating my ex into thinking our relationship was deluded by passion.

The thing is we had a great relationship before this bump in the road. Who is she to tell someone else if they are in love or not, especially when they don't know me and she doesn't know us. All she knows is what she thinks is best from the story she's been told from the negative moments we've had.

This person has never even met me.
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This is what girls tend to do unfortunately, they side with their friend without even knowing the other side of the story :(

Yes deffo give her space and not contact for a while. Remember to not say a bad thing about/to her friend though. That would be the worse thing you can do in a situation like this, as girls like to stick together and if you ever bitch about a friend of theirs.... then you're in for trouble! :p
 
If your ex wants to listen to the relationship advice and opinions regarding the two of you, from an individual who has never met you in person.... That doesn't say much positive for your ex or what she thinks of your relationship.

And forget all of the mind-bending doublethink stuff when they say "I miss you, but I don't want to be with you." That's bitch-speak for 'I'm feeling vulnerable right now and I don't want to feel more guilty about ditching you'. Women are very good at displacement; and that's exactly what a statement like that is aimed at doing.

If she loved you, then she wouldn't be taking the steps she is now.
Move along my friend, move right along.
 
Screw it dude, gotta face up to the fact that she is an adult, and that she makes her own decisions.

She could be making a mad decision and will regret it forever, yada yada yada, or maybe it IS for the best and you are blinded by your own passion.

Either way, chasing after her is reducing YOUR value and making a happy resolution (whatever that may be) less likely.

You'll come across as needy, and will validate all her "friends" points.


Get in the gym, get yourself looking good (for you), work hard, get life in order and the rest will fall into place. You might even find her more attracted to you. Maybe you'll even decide that it was for the best eventually. ;)
 
Sounds to me like you're searching for reason why 'it's not over'.

Trust me, that's not a good place to stay for very long.
 
Nate Silvers said:
I don't even feel like lifting Captain :(

I know she still loves me, that's the worst thing. This girl didn't come from the sea, I don't want no stinkin fish.
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you my friend need some LEAN meat in you ;) BAR WILL NEVER CHEAT ON YOU, NEVER LEAVE YOU AND WILL ALWAYS WAIT FOR YOU TO PICK IT UP AND RIP IT APART <33333
 
The answer is simple. Sleep with said friend.

I joke :p

I pretty much agree with what was said above. She has a mind of her own, and if she really wanted to be with you, she would. Its useless running after her, or contacting her friend. Move on. If she loved you that much, she wouldn't leave you, even if a friend tells her to.
 
so last night proved to me that even after nearly 10 months apart from my ex of 4 years, im still struggling to move on and let go, which is a massive kick in the teeth as i thought id dealt with all of this.

was my birthday yesterday, and headed out in to the town, and saw my ex in weather-spoons, and it all went down hill from there.....

as the night went on, i just felt myself not being able to take my mind off her and what she was doing (this was before the effects of alcohol kicked in)

anyways, in one of the clubs, sat at a table looking all depressed (apparently...) she came over to me, said "happy birthday" and asked what was wrong with me as i looked depressed, and i was just honest and i said "seeing you brings it all back" anyways, after some other conversations, she wanders off.

then we end up talking again later, and this is where I feel like such a pathetic idiot. I end up bringing up all the conversations like "i still wish we were together" basically making an idiot of myself.

fast forward, we are stood outside the club, and we start having a heated discussion about her and the (ex) best friend that she ran off with, and he even turned up outside the club to come and see her, and to be honest they must have thought i was stupid and didn't have eyes, but he is someone who doesn't want a future with her, and i was saying things like "it hurts me knowing, your chasing someone who isn't willing to give you a future and i was willing to give you a future" i then ended up sleeping on her sofa!!!!! (no physical contact or "pasty smashing") and left this morning.

know im just sat feeling like a complete pathetic idiot as i thought i had let go and moved on, but its clear that i haven't completely. Ive done the weight lifting, although it made me look good and it did take my mind off it as i had a goal to strive for. but i also feel stupid for letting myself do that, opening myself up like that, and feel stupid for not moving on and letting go, despite her saying she was in love with this other guy who i mentioned and also it having been nearly 10 months!!!
 
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@FFM

I still miss the woman I spent nearly a decade with (even though she was mad) and that was over 3 years ago and a couple of casual relationships since.

If you cared about her, you will most probably always feel like this to some extent. However, you owe it to your selfesteem (and this is important, so pay attention) to not continue wanting something which is done with - you cannot go back; you see what you let yourself in for when you allow a moment of weakness on your part?
I dare say you are approaching all of this with rose tinted spectacles too, thinking about how great it all used to be and how crappy things are for you now.

Pro tip: think of all of the bad things about the relationship, how it ended etc and how those events made you feel. Ask yourself seriously, do you want to have all of that back again?

A large part of how you feel is due to the fact she left you for someone else. Just remember that. Is that what you need in your life?

No, didn't think so.

You just need to be more disciplined with yourself and remember why you need to be like that.
 
jumpy said:
@FFM

I still miss the woman I spent nearly a decade with (even though she was mad) and that was over 3 years ago and a couple of casual relationships since.

If you cared about her, you will most probably always feel like this to some extent. However, you owe it to your self esteem (and this is important, so pay attention) to not continue wanting something which is done with - you cannot go back; you see what you let yourself in for when you allow a moment of weakness on your part?
I dare say you are approaching all of this with rose tinted spectacles too, thinking about how great it all used to be and how crappy things are for you now.

Pro tip: think of all of the bad things about the relationship, how it ended etc and how those events made you feel. Ask yourself seriously, do you want to have all of that back again?

A large part of how you feel is due to the fact she left you for someone else. Just remember that. Is that what you need in your life?

No, didn't think so.

You just need to be more disciplined with yourself and remember why you need to be like that.
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yeah, i get that i need to be more disciplined about it, if im honest, as soon as i saw she out in town aswell, i should have just gone home, that would have been the correct thing to do. I guess its a case of the grass always looks greener on the other side. Ive been with other girls since her.

The thing that's knocked me for six is that i let myself get like that, i always thought i was better than that, and its just the realization that even after 10 months, im STILL struggling with it...

I struggle with confidence and self esteem issues anyway because of said relationship.
It feels like the whole finally moving on and letting go, is just the final hurdle, ive jumped all the others, i cant seem to jump this one...
 
FatFishMonster said:
yeah, i get that i need to be more disciplined about it, if im honest, as soon as i saw she out in town aswell, i should have just gone home, that would have been the correct thing to do. I guess its a case of the grass always looks greener on the other side. Ive been with other girls since her.

The thing that's knocked me for six is that i let myself get like that, i always thought i was better than that, and its just the realization that even after 10 months, im STILL struggling with it...

I struggle with confidence and self esteem issues anyway because of said relationship.
It feels like the whole finally moving on and letting go, is just the final hurdle, ive jumped all the others, i cant seem to jump this one...
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Sometimes things don't work out, and it is very easily to fall in the trap of idealising the relationship, and doing that prevents you from seeing other potential romantic experiences. I often feel bad after while and I even idealise but I recover when I realise that there are equally amazing people out there.

:)
 
FatFishMonster said:
i should have just gone home, that would have been the correct thing to do.
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NO. The correct thing to do would have been to have got on with your night out.

I have an old ex (not the one I referred to earlier) and every time I'm out and we see eachother she tries to talk to me like we're best friends or something - she makes a point of it. Each time I tell her I'm not interested in being her friend. Water under the bridge and all of that, but there's just no room in my life for her kind of person. I'll say Hi or whatever, but there's just no need for there to be anything else.

You need to look at your ex in the same way.

I'd guess as well that you don't bump into her that much now, so it comes as a shock when you do? I can understand that, but you need to learn to ride right over stuff like that when it happens. Each time you do that your resolve will harden.

Your confidence struggles over that relationship because the decision about it ending was not one you freely made - she decided and you had to put up with the consequences. That is always much harder to come to terms with. Nevertheless, you must.

Stop trying so hard to 'make it happen' like it's some kind of box that needs ticking. Just get on and do your own thing and time will do the rest, 10 months is not that long and you need to get comfortable with your own company for a while before you think about anyone else (unless it's no strings attached sexytime). ;)
 
jumpy said:
NO. The correct thing to do would have been to have got on with your night out.

I have an old ex (not the one I referred to earlier) and every time I'm out and we see eachother she tries to talk to me like we're best friends or something - she makes a point of it. Each time I tell her I'm not interested in being her friend. Water under the bridge and all of that, but there's just no room in my life for her kind of person. I'll say Hi or whatever, but there's just no need for there to be anything else.

You need to look at your ex in the same way.

I'd guess as well that you don't bump into her that much now, so it comes as a shock when you do? I can understand that, but you need to learn to ride right over stuff like that when it happens. Each time you do that your resolve will harden.

Your confidence struggles over that relationship because the decision about it ending was not one you freely made - she decided and you had to put up with the consequences. That is always much harder to come to terms with. Nevertheless, you must.

Stop trying so hard to 'make it happen' like it's some kind of box that needs ticking. Just get on and do your own thing and time will do the rest, 10 months is not that long and you need to get comfortable with your own company for a while before you think about anyone else (unless it's no strings attached sexytime). ;)
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i tried to get on with my night, but it just seemed to get worse.

i have to see her every other weekend because of certain circumstances (we have a two year old daughter, who wasn't there when i slept on the sofa) but its for like 45 seconds, not like last night. up until last night, i was just getting on with my own thing, every time i saw her, it was fine just roll with it and didn't feel anything, which gave me the impression things were getting better. i guess its also a case of wanting what i cant have.
 
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